The Ape Rages

Baby making

2012-02-10T15:57:00.002-06:00

Cass and I are watching Mad Men. It's very good, but when Duck Phillips is on all I can think is "man that guy looks like Charles Grodin and Mike Nelson had a baby."

There might be some Bob Newhart in there too.

Pitch meeting

2012-02-09T14:25:00.002-06:00

What is with the rash of commercials recently where the people in them act like pompous dickbags? Is the idea that people will see the commercial and recognize behavior they find so hateful and annoying that they are compelled to buy your products and smash them? Or that the public is so desperate to be superior that if you show people acting smug about your product that people will assume it exudes that ever elusive smugness they crave?

It's just a question. Whatever, screw it. I'm on board. Here's some more ideas:

- Lord Byron and Oscar Wilde are playing golf in Hawaii. A twosome of Larry the Cable Guy and Tim Allen comes up and asks if they can play through. Byron and Wilde spend two minutes ridiculing Allen and Guy's shabby appearance. Buy Titleist.

- Bobby Knight runs over an entire kindergarten class. Buy Buick.

- Sean Penn is receiving and award at the You're So Amazing Awards. He checks his watch and it's on West African Daylight Time. Buy Timex.

- The cast of Jersey Shore is shown doing anything at all. Buy Axe Bodyspray.

Rate or Die

2012-02-08T15:27:00.003-06:00

In a modern age when a) an increasing number of people watch TV online and b) almost all devices used by major cable companies have capabilities for rapid two way information exchange THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE but not for the reasons outlined in the article.

If you don't want to bother reading that the article talks about how the Nielsen ratings are determined by 25,000 households. That is approximately 0.0217 percent of the U.S. households. And that might sound shockingly low but the reality is that 25,000 is well above a statistically significant sample size. And as much as it sucks that a few hundred households means I can't watch Community I don't have a problem with the basis of the math.

The point is that the Nielsen rating system is antiquated and has some serious gaps in its measurements. The basis for the measurements was sound but technology has since evolved and a better understanding can be attained, and fairly easily. In addition it seems like networks could figure out ways to make money off of shows with devoted followings.

Regardless, I want Community back but I'm still a nerd.

When making things plural you can't forget DS

2012-02-01T16:09:00.004-06:00

I read this list over at Kotaku. They did a pretty good job, and I can't say I've played all the games listed so I can't complain about the list too much, except I'm totally going to do that.

I won't ever be able to comment on Ghost Trick because I hated the Phoenix Wright games so damn much. I must be the only one. Ninja Gaiden was fun but the controls were so frustratingly specific that it was aggravating to play it at times.

Here's my top five though, in order:

1) The World Ends With You
They got the stuff about TWEWY just right. That game was fun and the characters and story were so great.
2) Might and Magic: Clash of Heroes
I can't find enough people to play this game against. I want a lot of them.
3) Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars
4) The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass
All that stuff they said about Spirit Tracks was bull. The train was annoying, not fun in anyway. Sailing around was a million times more fun.
5) Professor Layton and the Unwound Future

This post was brought on by me playing the game Luke got me for Christmas: Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. I don't think I like it very much. It's ok, I guess, but if you're going to have those first two words in your title I expect more than ok.

And yeah I'm avoiding posting about something major that happened recently (hint: I named my dog after him) that I should really get to. I will. I'm just processing I guess.

"A pox on your house."

2012-01-31T14:52:00.003-06:00

I heard this expression the other day. It's an old fashioned curse/insult that old prospectors and possibly English lords used to throw at each other. I don't actually know the etymology.

What I do know is that the real, literal definition of what that means is "I hope your family gets sick and dies."

Sometimes being a literal person can be awesome.

Completely extremely no in any way related note: Congrats to Martha and Matt.

TripAgitator

2012-01-30T11:52:00.004-06:00

Ok so a little back story: Cass and I are planning a vacation. We are looking at resorts and last minute deals and such. Trying to do due diligence when researching resorts is frustrating and stressful. I hate it. So when something like this rolls along it makes me smile a little.

We use TripAdvisor reviews among other things to try to get a feel for the places we are looking at. A feature I was unaware of allows the hotel staff to respond to the reviews. This almost never occurs, and I was unaware of it until we stumbled across Krystal Cancun. Therein almost every review has a reply from Paris Aguilar, who is apparently the Lobby Manager at this resort. And when I say almost every review I mean even ones where only one sentence is written, like "Enjoyed our stay, food was just ok but the staff was great!" Paris will be there with a followup. She is the Cal Ripken of whatever the hell I'm talking about.

So one reviewer posts a review and at first I am taken aback by how glib it is, because usually when people have a bad experience at these resorts they complain about it for nine paragraphs on these sites. But this one offered almost no detail, except to complain about Paris Aguilar by name.

I have come around to thinking that this is a troll by someone who, like me, happened upon the reviews and decided to mess with Paris Aguilar. And as you can see, it worked. So I'm hoping this is true and if so kudos to CR1412 for irritating a complete stranger so effectively.

I know why the raged bird sings (2011)

2012-01-24T20:52:00.003-06:00

I'm late in getting to this but it's time for me to look back and say things I like.

GOOD

Movie: Hugo
I just loved this, and while the 3D helped I can't really call it essential to the film. Just a beautiful movie and the love Scorsese had for what he was doing really showed.
Runner-Up: Attack the Block
I'm seriously so close to flipping these. ATB was just awesome and fun.

Television: Louie
What Louis C.K. is doing with the format and power he was given is seriously incredible. There are episodes that remind you why he's a great comedian and others that remind you he's a great filmmaker. The whole package is only loosely related but it shows tremendous skill.
Runner-Up: Parks and Recreation

Music: The Joy Formidable - The Big Roar
I was more surprised by how much I like this album than anything else this year.
Runner-Up: Childish Gambino - Camp

Athlete: Robin van Persie
In all honesty I wasn't a huge fan of RvP up until last year. He was always that talented guy on Arsenal who was hurt too often. This past year was incredible though and even though I'd love for someone else on the team to score regularly it's hard to stop cheering. *note: still not my favorite player on the team
Runner-Up: Aaron Rodgers
It's undeniable that Aaron Rodgers in the calendar year 2011 was really awesome.

BAD

Movie: The Green Hornet
Not terrible, just terribly disappointing. I avoided seeing too many terrible movies this year.
Runner-Up: Horrible Bosses
Aimless.

TV: Whitney
Holy crap. NBC needs to seriously cut their losses and look for ways to just profit off their cult hits/critic's choice programming. Stop trying to appeal to whatever the hell this is aimed at.
Runner-Up: Hater

Music: The Lonely Island - Turtleneck and Chain
Just mediocre overall. Nothing really stood out except for two tracks, and one of those came out several months before the album.
Runner-Up: Jay-Z and Kanye West - Watch the Throne

Athlete: Sepp Blatter
Not actually an athlete but in the world of sport there is no bigger cat party.
Runner-Up: Ndomakung Suh
Special note: I decided to reserve these spots for people who do awful things within their realm of sport. Obviously the Penn State scandal was much worse but it wasn't within the realm of the sport. I have perspective.

Merry Religiously Nondenominational Holiday Time

2011-12-26T16:23:00.003-06:00

Hope you all had a very wonderful holiday. I miss so many of you.

That video was awesome and opening night got me pumped for the season again, even if the Heat will win 60 games in a 60 game season. As a fan of both classic imagery in sports and anachronism it got to me. I want a huge poster of that last image.

Dive

2011-12-09T21:40:00.004-06:00

The commercial above aired frequently during the MLB Playoffs and it really got to me.

Professionals. Do not attempt.

What could this possibly mean? Both parts of it have several explanations.

Professionals. Professional what? Professional people who grab lightning balls and jump out of planes at insane heights in order to hurl them into clouds? If this is the case, then awesome. And I am going to do everything in my power to attempt to do this.

Professional skydivers? Ok well that makes more sense at least. But I'm still not sure that a professional skydiver does what was depicted (jumping out of the back of a cargo plane) regularly.

Do not attempt. Which part of that do they not want me to attempt? The lightning ball freefall part? Because I just explained that is now the beginning and end of my bucket list.

Do not attempt to skydive? People do that all the time. Amateurs even. It's actually the lifeblood of the skydiving industry.

Do not attempt to skydive from extreme heights from the back of a cargo plane? I imagine if someone has the means to do that they are relying on other resources than a phone commercial for safety advice.

It's clear that Verizon believes we are stupidly insane or insanely stupid. I'm going to throw so much lightning at them.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

2011-11-24T13:11:00.001-06:00

Men walkin' 'long the railroad tracks
Goin' someplace there's no goin' back
Highway patrol choppers comin' up over the ridge
Hot soup on a campfire under the bridge
Shelter line stretchin' round the corner
Welcome to the new world order
Families sleepin' in their cars in the southwest
No home no job no peace no rest

The highway is alive tonight
But nobody's kiddin' nobody about where it goes
I'm sittin' down here in the campfire light
Searchin' for the ghost of Tom Joad

He pulls prayer book out of his sleeping bag
Preacher lights up a butt and takes a drag
Waitin' for when the last shall be first and the first shall be last
In a cardboard box 'neath the underpass
Got a one-way ticket to the promised land
You got a hole in your belly and gun in your hand
Sleeping on a pillow of solid rock
Bathin' in the city aqueduct

The highway is alive tonight
But where it's headed everybody knows
I'm sittin' down here in the campfire light
Waitin' on the ghost of Tom Joad

Now Tom said "Mom, wherever there's a cop beatin' a guy
Wherever a hungry newborn baby cries
Where there's a fight 'gainst the blood and hatred in the air
Look for me Mom I'll be there
Wherever there's somebody fightin' for a place to stand
Or decent job or a helpin' hand
Wherever somebody's strugglin' to be free
Look in their eyes Mom you'll see me."

The highway is alive tonight
But nobody's kiddin' nobody about where it goes
I'm sittin' downhere in the campfire light
With the ghost of old Tom Joad

Brewers!!!!!!!!!

2011-10-08T11:24:00.004-05:00

Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Lisa Edelstein and Rena Sofer

2011-09-21T15:25:00.003-05:00

I can't be the only one who didn't realize that these were two different actresses. Here I had been thinking for years that Zack Morris picked up Bobbie Bernstein in a Hawaiian airport and nope that's not true.

Somewhat related I also thought for some time that Paula Marhsall and Carla Gugino were the same person. I picked up on my mistake faster but just now realized that Marshall is seven years older than Gugino.

The El Word

2011-09-19T13:52:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking something over lately as I take my morning train ride to work, and to a less extent during the ride home as well. It's the idea of chivalry vs. feminism.

I get on the train early enough in the route that I have a seat on all except the rarest occasion when the train is irrationally late. There's a joke to be made here about the train always being late but seriously unless it's a half hour behind I'm just too close to the end to be on a full car.

So then it falls to me that when the train fills up at say Belmont or Logan Square that I have to decide if I'm going to stand up and offer my seat to someone.

Now I always do this in the case of an elderly or handicapped person without question. But many times I find myself sitting while a woman is forced to stand. There was a time when such an act would have me branded an uncouth ruffian and forcibly removed from the Hunting Lodge that very evening. There was also a time when people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

I'm a staunch advocate for women's rights and gender equality. So by not giving up my seat I am treating a woman no different than I would a man. However I'm also a firm believer in just being a nice person so giving up my seat to a woman is just something polite I can do for a weary traveller on her morning commute.

Many times I'm too tired to make any rational decision or too focused on my reading to let the outside world interfere. Still I find myself more often than not just sitting and riding it out. Does that make me ungentlemanly? What's the consensus view on this?

Another quandary: does anyone else get worried that when they get off the train they spend the whole day smelling like the train?

Stone Cold Gunner

2011-09-17T10:44:00.001-05:00

I don't have many other places to post this but I need to talk Arsenal.

So obviously I'm upset today. We lost to an inferior team in a game that we controlled throughout. It's frustrating to be sure but some fans are basically bagging the season already. This is insane to be sure and I'm certainly not ready to do that. They are also saying that Wenger should be sacked. This is profoundly insane.

Sacking Wenger means starting over from scratch as I'm positive that at least half the roster would leave. Many players come play at Arsenal just to play under Wenger and losing him means losing the core of the team as well as the youth. Sacking him is not an option. Restructuring his position could be. Wenger is known for two things: being a great manager and unwilling to spend an extra penny on what his determined value for players are. (Ok third thing: the "I didn't really see it" post-game interview.) If we want to change his decision making power in terms of personnel decisions that might be worth considering. But at the same time he is a tremendous judge of talent in general so he definitely still needs to be involved.

With regards to the season I think it's ridiculous to start making judgments. Many of our significant signings have been playing with the team for two weeks. To make an assessment of their abilities as a team now is rushing. That being said I thought that was a major mistake at the time. The signings should have been locked up much sooner to give the team time to adjust and understand each other prior to the season.

The Fabregas saga drug on too long though and Wenger wouldn't spend until that was over. (Nasri drug out too but that wasn't as distracting, although it was frustrating.) I wish it would have gotten done in the early summer to avoid this very problem but here it is. Related to that I am super pissed now that Gas is tearing things up for Barca that their president realizes that Wenger had him valued correctly and he was worth more than they paid. Thanks for saying that, wanker.

Regardless the main issue is how is this team going to be better than last year? We lost the middle of the field in Fabregas and Nasri?

I said when we sold Fabregas that we have to sign someone spectacular to replace him. That hasn't happened. Fabregas is an elite level player and Nasri is a good player who's shown signs of brilliance. Looking at who has come in there is Arteta, Benayoun and Chu-Young. All good players but no one of the elite talent of Fabregas. I said at the time that replacing an elite player with two or three good ones will not make this team better. My hope was that they spun the money directly and bought Wesley Sneijder. I still wish they had.

You can't count the defensive signings because those needed to be made anyway. Mertesacker is decent but can't be the anchor of the line. If Vermaelen were back there it would be different but he's made of glass and instead we have Koscielny, who is terrible. I'd be so much happier with Cahill but of course that meant spending an extra $4 million or so. Wenger didn't think he was worth that much. The difference though is that Cahill is much better than Mertesacker and to get that you have to pay for it. It's the market not the player sometimes.

Hazard would have been a nice addition but that fell apart. Supposedly he'll come in January and that might be a nice midseason upgrade. Still I maintain that Arteta, while good, is a player in a downswing of his career. Benayoun and Chu-Young are fine but really how much better than Arshavin or Ramsey are they? I'd take Sneijder and either of those two over any combination we can throw out right now. I realize that would mean spending more money. Great players are worth more money.

And how great would Van Persie play with Sneijder behind him?

Sorry for ranting. I needed to say some of that.

Colorado Trip Day 5,6,7: Centennial State Elastic Coils (Colorado Springs)

2011-06-01T10:45:00.001-05:00

Colorado Trip Day 5: Happy Anniversary, I love you

2011-05-30T19:45:00.001-05:00

Colorado Trip Day 4: I Believe I Can (Butter)Fly

2011-05-29T14:21:00.001-05:00

Colorado Trip Day 3: I almost killed a clumsy coyote

2011-05-28T10:02:00.002-05:00

Colorado Trip Day 2: That John Denver is full of...no actually it's pretty Rocky here.

2011-05-27T23:19:00.001-05:00

Colorado Trip Day 1: Midnight Plane to Colorado

2011-05-26T21:45:00.003-05:00

It made me smile and I don't know if I can explain it.

2011-05-09T21:08:00.004-05:00

We went out and met up with some friends for Dave's birthday this past Friday. He chose Wrigleyville to try to get more of his friends to come out. I didn't really want to go to Wrigleyville and my concerns were somewhat validated when I had to dodge vomit three times on my from the car to the bar and that's not counting having to park more than a half mile from the bar. Admittedly that's not the worst case scenario for Wrigleyville at all.

Anyway we still wanted to go see Dave and other people regardless of of the fact that the atmosphere was noisy, hot and annoying and the clientele was just noisy and annoying. Still I enjoyed myself and could ignore most of that. Then I used the bathroom.

Posted on all the walls of the bathroom were pictures cut out from various issues of Maxim, Playboy and god knows what other magazines are out there giving me rankings of the top five places to take a date to ensure I'll get some. The women were scantily clad or unclad and mostly bleach blonde clones. I just rolled my eyes and focused on my task. Then my eyes drifted up and caught something that held my attention. In the midst of all these pinups and bikini bombshells was something unexpected: Maya Rudolph.

I don't really know why she was there but there she was, ripped from a page of something with an article she wrote. She was pregnant and dressed in a casual top and a spring skirt. And she looked gorgeous. Probably not to the kind of people who hung those other pictures but she looked absolutely beautiful.

I'd like to think that there was one employee at the place with good taste. If so, then kudos to you sir for making it public. I don't know why but it made me proud.

As far as omens go...

2011-03-18T17:21:00.002-05:00

The other day I boarded the Blue Line on my way home. Not too odd, I do that many days unless I decide to take the Pink into downtown and transfer there. The day was ordinary, classes and labwork and not much else.

The platform had the normal amount of people on it. As the train pulled up I saw it had the normal number of people in the cars. The nice thing about working and living towards the edges of the Blue Line is that it's never full when it gets to me and I only have to stand when I transfer downtown in the afternoon.

I entered my car. I have the spacing worked out so I know which car will be close to the stairs when I get off. As I stepped in I saw all empty seats towards the front of this car so that's where I turned. I then caught nothing out of the corner of my eye.

Exactly that. Nothing. Rather nobody. The car was empty. Save for me and the feeling of unease this brought with it.

I've been on cars alone before, but that had always been really late/early after long nights or occasionally a strange time on a Sunday. This was a Tuesday afternoon at 4:15. I said cars are never full when they get to me but empty cars happen less than never. They are a myth.

My first instinct is something was wrong. There must be an offending odor or something disgusting somewhere on this car. I cautiously walked up and down looking for some explanation, my nose being notoriously desensitized. There was none to be found.

It lasted only a short while, although longer than a single stop. We passed Racine and got to UIC before other passengers boarded. The whole time I tried to figure out what it meant and why it was happening.

But it was just an empty car. An oddity, but nothing more.

Where does the time go?

2011-03-09T22:12:00.001-06:00

I'll never get caught up. Screw it.

Favorite story from this past weekend:

Stripper: "Hey baby, you're cute. Want a dance?"

Oba: "I have to poop."

And the rage goes on (2010)

2011-01-03T15:01:00.005-06:00

Time to wrap up the year again. This was the most important year of my life so far and it's hard to imagine it being topped. But what about pop culture?

GOOD

Movie: Inception
Cass and I just rewatched this and for all its flaws the movie is still incredible to watch. Good performances helped it out.
Runner-Up: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Like last year I didn't get around to seeing a lot of movies that down the line could easily become favorites (i.e. True Grit, The Social Network, others)

Television: Community
The evolution of this show has been incredible and I am in love with all of the cast members almost as much as I love all of the characters. I hope this show has many years so that we can see how the characters grow, which is the fundamental thing that happens in college.
Runner-Up: Louie

Music: Kanye West - My Dark Twisted Fantasy
For all of his flaws (and there are so so many) Kanye has never been one to release a boring album. This one is maybe his best yet although the hashtag stuff stands out a little too much.
Runner-Up: Motion City Soundtrack - My Dinosaur Life

Athlete: Landon Donovan
Landycakes gave us the greatest and most unforgettable sports moment of the year and of US Soccer history. It was amazing to see live and somehow still exhilarating now. Even though the tourney didn't finish out on a high note at all the moment remains.
Runner-Up: Georges St. Pierre

BAD

Movie: Hot Tub Time Machine
It takes an especially stupid script to mess up what is at its heart a mess of a movie. The funny parts were barely funny enough to make up for all of the stupid unresolved/unnecessary side plots and pointless scenes. The ending is one of the worst I've ever seen in a film.
Runner-Up: Date Night
Again I didn't see a lot of movies so I'm sure there were worse ones made.

TV: Lost
Thanks for validating my decision to never watch the show.
Runner-Up: MTV's Teenage Pregnancy Showcase

Music: OKGo - Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
Really underwhelming with ony one or two tracks worth adding to my playlist.

Runner-Up: Nick Hornby and Ben Folds - Lonely Avenue (need to listen to this a few more times but nothing stood out)

Athlete: Brett Favre
$50,000? If any of us did that we would be facing criminal charges. It's illegal to do that. Ugh.
Runner-Up: Ben Roethlisberger is a vile scumbag.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T21:56:00.001-06:00

Hope everyone had a good holiday. This song was chosen not based on nothing.

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, ain't no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain't gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blesses my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I ain't looking for praise or pity
I ain't coming 'round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Ain't no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain't no bread from heavenly skies
Ain't nobody drawing wine from this blood
It's just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm asking is too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You can't shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
We're all riders on this train

So you've been broken and you've been hurt
Show me somebody who ain't
Yeah, i know i ain't nobody's bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they don't amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm asking is too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch

OMG

2010-11-23T17:53:00.003-06:00

So one of the things that Cass does that makes me love her so is sending me pictures during lunch. Cass gets to stop home for lunch now that she's so close to home. I used to do this when we lived in the West Loop and it was great to see the pups in the middle of the day. Cass knows I miss this so she sends me pictures during her break of the pups or sometimes of random things (i.e. a bag of Oreos we forgot about that she stumbled upon).

Today I get a message with the only text reading "OMG." Here is the picture that came with it:

So just a quick note that if anyone out there thought they had the cutest dog in the world they were wrong.

Colin and Kristin's wedding was a blast. It was great to see O'Holl and Jenny, Dave and Mendy, Nate and Laura, Angela and all the other travelers in addition to everyone else. I had a great time and they really did things right.

I think we are removed enough from the event that I can reveal that Cass got ridiculously sick after the wedding. That's why we were only at the afterparty for maybe ten minutes. Sorry we couldn't hang out more but you can only cram so much enjoyment in one night.

To Colin and Kristin: I think you guys managed to beat us for farthest guest voyage for attendance. I am impressed.

For Colin and Kristin

2010-11-13T10:19:00.003-06:00

It's not Thanksgiving yet but it's a more important day.

I've been working real hard, trying to get my hands clean,
Tonight we'll drive that dusty road from Monroe to Angeline,
To buy you a gold ring and pretty dress of blue,
Baby just one kiss will get these things for you,
A kiss to seal our fate tonight,
A kiss to prove it all night.

Prove it all night,
Girl there's nothing else that we can do,
So prove it all night, prove it all night,
And girl I'll prove it all night for you.

Everybody's got a hunger, a hunger they can't resist,
There's so much that you want, you deserve much more than this,
But if dreams came true, oh, wouldn't that be nice,
But this ain't no dream we're living through tonight,
Girl, you want it, you take it, you pay the price.

Prove it all night, prove it all night girl and call the bluff,
prove it all night, prove it all night and girl,
I prove it all night for your love.

Baby, tie your hair back in a long white bow,
Meet me in the fields out behind the dynamo,
You hear the voices telling you not to go,
They made their choices and they'll never know,
What it means to steal, to cheat, to lie,
What it's like to live and die.

To prove it all night...

HIMYMYABTT

2010-11-03T11:24:00.003-05:00

That stands for How I Met Your Mother You Are Better Than This.

A while back I had a conversation with someone not imaginary (this isn't a standup bit) about the best shows on TV and they picked HIMYM for best comedy. I said I could respect the decision but couldn't agree because the show falls back on sitcom conventions a lot and while it does them well I like a show like Community that tries off-the-wall things and uses conventions to misdirect. But this post isn't about how great Community is, it's about how terrible this past episode of HIMYM was and how the show is capable of better.

The episode was a post-Halloween one and the plots were all trite and dumb. Examine:

- Marshall fires a coworker and has an attack of conscience. The guy wanted to be fired for the severance so Marshall when hires him back and he purposely tries to get fired.
THE TRITE: This is pretty standard for a sensitive-male character on a sitcom. Also the guy getting fired and wanting to be fired so he does his job poorly is pretty well worn territory too.
THE DUMB: First any attack of conscience Marshall had should've been gone when he found out Randy wanted to be fired. It takes bizarre sitcom logic to decide that hiring someone back who wanted to be fired is a moral highpoint. Second, no one can make you take a job back. Once he was fired Randy could've just walked. And lastly a person actively trying to get fired and doing so much wrong can be fired for cause. A standard clause in any job is that if you are fired for cause you are not entitled to benefits. This is a storyline that only works in a sitcom universe that ignores real world logic.

- Ted is popular with his students and is the "cool teacher." This all changes when the girl who is protesting the building he designing for GNB joins his class and turns his class against him.
THE TRITE: Someone from outside a character's job invading his job life and wrapping personal issue up in the professional life is basic sitcom storyline #8.
THE DUMB: This storyline bothered me like crazy. Ted can be really hard to like at times but this was a time when I hated him. Being the cool teacher who's friends with all his students is not a good thing. The only people who like those kinds of teachers are idiots. As a professor you don't want your student's friendship, you want their respect. This is obvious to anyone who has ever taught and the more you try to be a friend the less respect you will get. I'm not saying you have to be mean and humorless. Students respect human beings so be human but playing hackysack and grabbing beers with your students is the dumbest thing ever and doesn't make him sympathetic. I can't believe it took the whole episode for him to come even close to this realization and tell his students to stop behaving like petulant brats. Also the protest is dumb and the argument against it isn't "boo-freaking-hoo," it's "if no buildings ever got torn down because they were old then no buildings would ever get built." It's New York and old buildings are everywhere. If one is run down and falling apart ripping it down isn't a disgrace, it's a good idea and progress.

- Robin is feeling jealous of the attention her co-anchor is getting for a commercial she did and because she's cute. Robin goes out and shoots an embarrassing commercial for adult diapers.
THE TRITE: Embarrassing commercials are pretty standard and adult diapers is a pretty easy target.
THE DUMB: This commercial would never exist. It is beyond stupid even in a sitcom world. Also compromising like this makes it seem like Robin's professionalism is a mask and that she really wants attention. I can understand her feeling a little miffed at all the attention Becky receives but I can't understand her deciding the best thing to do is sell-out her ideals and do a commercial just like Becky did.

All of this stuff is annoying and made for a crappy episode even if some moments were amusing. What really pushed it over the top was the guys and their after Halloween ritual of standing on the stoop mocking the people doing costumed walk-of-shames in the morning. I don't have a problem with this as a premise in itself but the problem was the execution. The guys stand on the stoop and mock women for hooking up with people the night before. The jokes are all costume based but it comes across as incredibly misogynistic. Mocking guys in the same way should've been no problem and Lily could've joined in too just for some balance on the other side as well. It seems especially misogynistic for Barney to be out there doing it when he is guilty of hooking up with random girls all the time. It really made me hate all of the guys on the show.

The point is HIMYM can be a really good show at times and the writing is clever. This was not their finest moment; it may have been their worst. There was little to no purpose to anything in the episode at all and the morning-after slut-shaming scene is one of the worst things I've seen on TV in a while. Keep in mind I watch like four TV shows. I'm sure there are people on reality TV that are doing worse things as I type this.

I voted based entirely on funny anagrams I could make with the candidates' names.

2010-11-02T16:45:00.004-05:00

Random Tuesday Thoughts:

- I voted today. It felt good as it had been some time since I did that. I don't know, when I was renting year to year registering to vote seemed like a hassle. Well now I'm a homeowner and have opinions that can be translated to an integer increase next to someone's name. USA! USA! USA!

- Congrats to the Giants. I didn't have any vested interest in the series and would've been happier to see it go to a sixth game at least. Oh well. That pitching staff is awesome (seriously that MVP trophy should've read "Every Giants Pitcher except Jonathan Sanchez) and all locked up until 2012 at the earliest. Pretty awesome. Hahaha the highest paid player on their roster is Barry Zito. People who don't laugh at that don't know what a baseball is.

- Chicagoween was a success. I married the right woman.

- Fielder gets cuter everyday and Charlie is seriously the best big brother. Hi Luke.

- Community is still the best show even though Parks and Rec not being on is bumming me out something crazy.

Quizzical Sunday

2010-10-17T16:44:00.004-05:00

A few questions as I work on my homework:

1) How careful do I have to be when doing Michael additions to pay attention to possible formation of cyclic structures? It seems like a lot.

2) Which team do I hate more: the Vikings or the Cowboys? Can they both lose? That would be super.

3) Who do I root for in the baseball playoffs now? The answer to this one is players instead of teams. There's Kinsler and I love that guy. Halladay is a beast and I'd love to see him succeed in the postseason. Giants have Uribe who I like simply because if you read a box score quickly it looks like Juribe. Even the Yankees have Swisher and my defensive rooting of ARod simply because of all the "True Yankee" garbage.

4) Is there anything cuter than the sight of my wife napping while cuddling both of our pups?

CT's bachelor party was fun. I'm not 22 anymore and staying out until 3AM means an unproductive Saturday.

The answer to #4 above is no.

This space is designated for well wishes in the direction of Jay. Hope you get better and we discussed it: through it all you stood your ground. There's some pride in that.

Everybody needs money. That's why they call it money.

2010-10-10T15:55:00.003-05:00

Cass and I watched Heist last night although there were about two too many twists and anticipated setups by Hackman. Seriously the whole time anything would happen I would just assume Hackman planned for this and sure enough he did. Gene Hackman is great in this and if I had to pick an actor perfect for a Mamet script it would probably be him.

It was a good movie overall and I didn't know Sam Rockwell was in it. See Moon if you haven't before I forget.

Where does Heist stack up on the Mamet scale?

1. Redbelt
2. Spartan
3. State and Main
4. Heist
5. The Spanish Prisoner

I still have to see Homicide, Things Change, Oleanna and The Winslow Boy.

Has anyone ever watched The Unit? It seems pretty trite, probably because it's shot in CBS's old-folk-pleasing style.

Eli's coming, and Rahm's already here

2010-10-06T08:54:00.004-05:00

There's a strangeness about today.

I was apparently a reckless sleeper last night. Cass told me that as she dropped me off. Maybe my psyche sensed strange omens approaching. I walked from the car to the train station wondering what made me uneasy last night. I resolved that it must be test anxiety as I walked past Rahm Emanuel. Why he was shaking hands at the Blue Line station is less worrisome than the question of why today? The ride itself was uneventful, the occasional train smell actually instilled a sense of normalcy. Then I got off the train and walked towards my lab and into chaos. I wasn't around when this happened but instead bore witness to the frenzied response. There were at least twenty cop cars surrounding the station. For the record that is somewhere in the neighborhood of 15-18 too many for post-incident response. I guess they had to secure the area. I'm going to secure mine before anything else happens.

This is a strange day. I just hope Tom Sizemore doesn't try to kill me.

Muevela: the best and worst of it

2010-09-27T10:41:00.006-05:00

It was a rough weekend. We played in our last ultimate tourney of the season and we did not do well as a team. We lost an important game to a really inferior team 17-16. It was frustrating because we beat ourselves, making dumb decisions and mistakes in every aspect of the game. I played fine with zero turns and getting bookends on my last point of the game. Unfortunately that was to put us up 11-9 at the time and I never got a chance to come back in due to a heavy roster and unwillingness on my part to race people to the line or call someone off. It was a learning experience (I hope) for all of us and I did have a lot of fun with this team.

It should come as no surprise that Cass absolutely dominated in her one game on Sunday.

Saturday night was an ultimate party. Cass and I still like to get out and enjoy ourselves with the younger kids but sometimes it is very sobering to realize how much older we are. I hope that doesn't sound judgmental because I like all of them and they can do whatever they want to have fun (short of hurting someone else), it's just that Cass and I don't feel any compulsion to join in.

Cass has taken over Halloween planning and she is a million times better, cuter and funnier than I could ever be. It's unreal how wonderful she is.

A lot of friends did do well on the weekend so congrats to Maker, Gambit and Ibex.

Call him Buzz to keep it straight.

2010-09-20T10:58:00.005-05:00

We had a nice weekend in the burbs with our parents. My mom and dad came down to stay with the Hatzes. We mostly relaxed and just enjoyed being together. The ladies did some shopping and they all bought me things to look more respectable. My parents also brought down cherry pie and chippers so much desserting was had.

We also played golf and I lost probably ten balls. It was a rough talk like a pirate day. I failed to shoot PAARRRRR even once.

Also we watched Wall Street. It's amazing how all 80's movies, even ones directed by Oliver Stone, look the same and are paced the same. Aside from Michael Douglas's performance (and Gekko isn't that incredible of a character; maybe he was innovative for the time?) this movie is pretty thin.

/shrugs

2010-09-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

What can I say? Sorry for not posting? I've been avoiding it. How do I sum up everything I've done this summer in any sort of concise way?

It's been the most significant summer of my life. I will look back on it fondly and enjoy it but I have no desire to try to write about it. Aside from taking too much time I don't know how to write it without it turning into just a long gushing love letter to my wife.

My wife.

Things are great. Our life is good. I'll start writing about stuff again. I don't know. You were all there for the wedding. You weren't there for the honeymoon but that was for us. Thank you everyone for being everyone.

1 Down

2010-03-30T09:04:00.016-05:00

We have had so much going on lately, to the point where putting in the effort to commit these things to writing seems monumental. I don't want to shortchange things but here it is in simple list form: grad school, Buick, fellowship, Francesca's, soccer, Zombieland, Chip, Buick, and invitations.

The heart of what's important: Cass and I are homeowners now. I didn't want to write about it before or post pictures because I didn't want to get too hopeful or jinx anything until the deal was done. The deal is done.
Here's the front of our house. It is a one story bungalow in the Norwood Park area. Notice how the first floor is actually raised a bit more than normal. That means our basement has full sized windows, which is awesome. Among the bushes in the front are a couple that Cass has already identified as invasive species that she has to get rid of in order to be able to sleep at night.

Here's the backyard facing the garage. This area will be known as Puppy Playland. Cass gave it the name. I wanted to go with The Danger Zone but Cass didn't think it was edgy enough.

Here's the back of the house. That awning will be coming down yesterday. You can see the basement windows here. The NFL fined me $5000 for the Captain Morgan pose.

Immediately behind the front door is a mirror that covers the entire wall of the front hallway. One of our first projects is figuring out how to remove it (whatever is holding it up is hidden away) without breaking it. If that can't be done we are breaking it.

Here's our living room facing the front window. The mint carpet is coming out in favor of the hardwood underneath. That is not Hal that Cass is leaning on. It's also not any number of other helper robot jokes I could make. It's a fireplace.

This is the upstairs bathroom. I'm guessing I will be relegated to the downstairs one pretty immediately after we move in.

This is the kitchen from the living room hallway. In the back is our massive six-burner oven with a side thing of purpose(s) unknown.

Here's the main bedroom. The closet to the left is sizable. Cass could do the same pose in there pretty easily. The carpet is coming out here too. The carpet is coming out everywhere except the basement.

Here's the middle bedroom. The wallpaper would be less outrageous if it were a magic eye image. That is coming down.

This is the back bedroom off of the kitchen. It gets good sun in the afternoons. There is currently no door on the room so we can't keep the bodies in here.

In the basement now and this is the laundry area and the happy homemaker. Just kidding. She's the sugar mama for a while.

This longview of the basement is from the bottom of the steps. Notice the awesome poker hall from the 60s chandelier toward the back.

Our second fireplace in the back of the basement can be operated by remote control. The couple who owned the house worked in the fireplace industry. That's no excuse for the wood paneling.

I'll close with a picture of my two favorite things in the house. Downstairs off the utility room is a massive cedar closet. How big is it?

Birthday Dethday

2010-03-04T12:10:00.005-06:00

I had a good 29th birthday. We spent the morning at the Shedd with Mike and Lauralye who were in town on a little vacation. For the first time ever the otters were sleeping and not playing. This saddened me.

Then I made my first bUICk practice of the season. Soccer had conflicted. I felt worn out but in good shape which caught me by surprise.

At night we went to Crossroads and met up with a bunch of people. Cass surprised me with cupcakes which were awesome. Sooz may have one upped her with T-Rex shaped rice krispie treats.

Thanks to everyone who came out. You are all great.

Two birthday presents worth noting:

From Mike:

From Cass:
More info on Twilight Turtle here for any parents out there or people who know awesome 29 year-olds.

I'm not sure which is my favorite present. I use both more often than you might think.

Beyond Lucky

2010-02-14T09:48:00.002-06:00

This is the story of our Saturday.

Cass was woken up by a phone call and she immediately got me up. Charlie and Fielder were staying with her parents and we were going to pick them up after our home inspection. Cass's Dad was calling to tell us that Fielder had slipped her collar and taken off. They were unable to find her.

We raced to get dressed then raced to the car. I drove like a complete jerk driver or a polite Chicago cab to get to Plainfield as fast as possible. Cass called to get details and find out what we needed to do. It turns out Cass's parents had been calling since late last night. Fielder had run off at 10:30pm Friday night. It was now 8:30am Saturday.

We got there and of course went almost immediately to the paths and trails surrounding Cass's parents' house. There were no signs of her. Her tracks are usually pretty distinctive because of her short legs. In the tall snow it is almost like someone kicked a path for others to walk. There were no signs of her tracks going into the woods or across the various tiny lakes surrounding them. This was good because these woods are inhabited by coyotes.

As we were searching Cass's Mom was calling the local police and shelters to get a report out. At this point we realized that our best hope was that she was taken in by someone and that they would call. Cass and her Dad raced to get fliers made up and then raced back with them so we could post them everywhere.

I went east of their house and began tacking fliers up on stop signs and light poles. It was now about 10:00am and I was mentally preparing myself for the eventuality that we would not find her.

I stopped and dropped off fliers at the gas station, 7-eleven, and Nabby's on 59. While at Nabby's I received a phone call from the Animal Care Center of Plainfield. Someone had just brought in a dog that could be her. Cass had been there with a flier maybe 15 minutes earlier. Everyone remembered because of how hysterical she was.

I do not know Plainfield well enough to figure out where this person was calling from. Later I would realize I was all of two minutes away. She said that Cass was on the other line so I told her to switch over and talk to Cass. I raced back to her parents' home in case Cass was there so we could go together. Cass called me while turning into the drive to her parents' house, the same drive Fielder had disappeared on.

Cass's first sentence was "Cal, theycalaidajfkfffffffwwaaallllsifey!" I knew what she meant so I tried to calm her down and told her to get there safe first and call immediately to let me know if it was indeed Fielder. I had to repeat these instructions a couple times to make sure she understood exactly what was needed.

I got back to the house and told everyone and we waited. I hugged Charlie tightly while staring at my phone. Cass called a couple minutes later and I could make out "It's her!" through the heavy tears and joy.

Julia raced me over to the ACC. I sped inside and asked Pat (a family friend who had also been alerted) where she was: Exam Room #3. I knocked and swung open the door. Then I wrapped Cass and Fielder up in a big hug.

It turns out when Cass got there that the place was crowded with people (this was still true when I got there and I was lucky to pick Pat out quickly). Saturday is adoption day at this facility. Cass instinctively was able to pick out a large black man standing in the waiting room crowd as the person who saved Fielder. His name was Bernard.

Cass was crying a bit but managed to ask Bernard what color the dog was. He first said "White." Cass managed to control her panic and show Bernard a picture on her phone. He said that it was in fact Fielder. Cass began crying and hugged Bernard very tightly.

They were allowed into a waiting room (Exam Room #3) to wait. Cass was not allowed to see Fielder immediately as she was very cold and they were trying to warm her and check her for frostbite and hypothermia. Cass finally was allowed to look into the treatment area and see our little Fielder shivering under a heat lamp.

Cass waited in the waiting room and hugged Bernard who was kind enough to wait with her. Cass got part of the story at this time (we would find out more later). Bernard had pulled Fielder from the water. One of the lakes near the house had aeraters to partially melt the ice. Fielder was walking near the shoreline on this lake when the ice gave way and she fell in. Bernard saw this and ran out to save her. In this process he was knee deep in this water and Fielder nipped him on the hand.

Most of you know Fielder's abusive past and her general fear of people. I can only imagine the shock of being submerged in near frozen water and being grabbed by a large black man terrified her. We learned later though that once she was wrapped in a towel she calmed down completely.

Fielder was brought in to Cass who hugged her so tightly. Bernard filled out his info and left before I arrived. Everyone in the waiting room gave him a round of applause as he walked out of the building.

I arrived and we waited as they filled out paperwork. Cass's father came over from hanging up fliers. Her mom was calling everyone to let them know she was found and ok.

Cass and I finally drove her back to the house. Later we received a call from a man who saw our flier at the Jewel. Five people were out last night trying to catch her but she was able to scurry away. We thanked him for his effort and told him that she was found and well.

All told she spent nearly 12 hours outside in below freezing weather. She has no signs of frostbite or hypothermia. She is tougher than we ever gave her credit for. There is little doubt in my mind however that she would not have survived falling into the lake and that Bernard saved her life.

Cass and I stopped by his house later to thank him again and get the full story. We bought him a gift certificate to a restaurant and Cass wrote him a letter of thanks. We got the full story at this time. Bernard had just stepped out onto his patio for a smoke when he saw her come down and begin walking along the ice. He assumed it was a fisherman's dog (off of these series of lakes is the Plainfield Bass and Gill Club) because she had no tags. He may have just let her be if she had not fallen through the ice but once she did he raced down to get her. I don't know if he would've been able to catch her had she not fallen through.

We realize how fortunate we are that she was able to survive and that we were able to find her. We love her so much.

Mystery Team

2010-02-10T08:29:00.004-06:00

Well it's not a lack of important news to report that has lead me to not post frequently as of late. Quite the opposite. I'll try to get caught up.

Last Thursday we went to the premiere of Mystery Team at the Music Box Theatre. Thanks to all who chose to join us. We had a great time.

The movie is funny. It's not innovative or dynamic. It's actually predictable in terms of plotting and the like but the jokes are good and the acting is good. I would recommend seeing the movie when it comes out on DVD May 11.

Three members of the team were there and they stuck around after to ask questions. The questions from the audience fell into one of two categories: people trying to be funny and failing or people asking informative questions but were boring as hell. The Derrick Comedy people were funny and cordial. They seemed like decent enough people and they were genuinely excited to be there.

"Sometimes I wish you hadn't beat that cancer. I really do."

Dat dere rasslin show

2010-02-01T13:16:00.002-06:00

Top five wrestlers that still make me enjoy wrestling:
5. Evan Bourne
4. Edge
3. Chris Jericho
2. Rey Mysterio
1. CM Punk

The only reason Bret Hart isn't on here is because he's not wrestling. It is still mind boggling that I am seeing him on WWE TV again.

So far away.

2010-01-28T08:32:00.002-06:00

Cass and I booked our honeymoon to the place we wanted at the resort we wanted. We will be spending a week in St. Lucia this July and we are so excited.

The island looks awesome and we finally found a flight to get us there in one day. For the longest everything we found had us staying a night in Miami or someplace equally not exciting. The only bummer is that we have to fly Delta and I sort of feel bad about that since Eugene Mirman.

Jungle zipline tours and snorkeling will happen. We found the resort we wanted at a good price for all inclusive and sprang for a room with an ocean view. That ocean is going to get the s**t viewed out of it.

Sick Day

2010-01-20T14:23:00.002-06:00

Ooops I grabbed the wrong pic from the website.

I'm home sick today and not feeling so great. I did want to jump on here and post that YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

The only productive thing I did today is come up with new nicknames for my dogs: Charles in Charge and the Fresh Princess.

Football

2010-01-15T15:35:00.002-06:00

The next time someone (American) tells me soccer is boring because nothing happens I am going to remember this. Holy cow. 11 minutes of actual gameplay in a 2 hour 54 minute broadcast? That is insane.

Current Addiction: Clash of Heroes

2010-01-15T14:56:00.004-06:00

The current thing that occupies too much of my time according to Cass is Clash of Heroes for the DS. Her mom got me this game for Christmas and it is awesome. I'd rank it among my top five favorite games ever for the DS. So everyone if I know you and you own a DS buy this game so I can fight you on the DS instead of fighting you with my DS. A special note for some who may not know this I like to assault people with my DS.

Where would I rank it? Funny I should ask, me.

5. Professor Layton and the Curious Village
4. Might and Magic: Clash of Heroes
3. Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars
2. Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box
1. The World Ends With You

Too late?

2010-01-13T09:17:00.003-06:00

When I was 16 I wanted a job. Not because of some innate ethic or boredom. I wanted money and like most Americans who don't live in coal mining towns real jobs are hard to come by when you're 12.

I got a job at American TV & Appliance in the warehouse. I was really excited about this job for a few reasons. Importantly it wasn't fast food or food service at all, something I wanted to avoid and to this day have never done. It also afforded a great opportunity as the reason I wanted a job in the first place would now be cheaper with an employee discount.

I wanted a TV for my room. More specifically I wanted a TV and VCR for my room. My parents would not buy one for me so I would have to obtain it on my own. Prior to turning 16 that would have meant saving up an entire summer's worth of lawnmowing money, which admittedly was a bit too much to ask at the time. This job meant affording these things after only about a month of work.

I bought these things right away, I believe with my second paycheck I received from American. I of course set them up immediately and got excited that night. The other nice thing was that American closed at 9pm so I would usually get home around 10. This was important.

The reason I wanted a TV in my room, not the only reason but the reason, was because I wanted to watch Conan while I went to sleep. I would often fall asleep with the show on and because I didn't want to miss it at all I recorded it every night with my VCR. I would watch what I missed the next morning while getting ready for school.

My senior year of high school I had current events. Our professor was pretty laid back and let the class pretty much be a free for all of ideas and conversation. My main contribution to this class was to bring in any political discussion/skit/anything from Conan and play it for the class. It wasn't something I did every day or even every week, but often enough that anyone who took that class with me probably remembers me for that specifically.

Years later I'm 25 and living in Chicago when Conan announces he is doing a week of shows at the Chicago Theater. I get excited until it's announced that the tickets will be free in a random drawing of entrants. I honestly had planned to buy tickets for every night. I entered my email and told everyone I knew to do the same. In the end I got one pair of tickets. Marty and I got to sit and watch in amazement as a man drove off Marina Towers, Dave Chappelle had a funny interview, Conan played the blues, Norm couldn't make a basket, and Common performed to close it out. It was a blast that I'll never forget.

Now I'm 28 and Conan gets his chance on The Tonight Show. I hadn't watched an actual episode of The Tonight Show since Johnny left. This was exciting for me. I DVR'd the first week of shows and watched them. Conan, true to his word, kept his unique style of humor in the move West.

Admittedly over the years his style had been honed a bit into something probably more suited to the palette of a wider audience. His early shows/years were filled with nonsensical humor and pacing that were so oddball it was wondered if he could find an audience soon enough to not be cancelled. His last years at Late Night were filled more regularly with poking fun at celebrities, but it still often had a bizarre slant or offbeat timing. Also there were still gems that would not be found on any other show, for example Conan visiting the baseball recreation society, a clip Conan himself has identified as probably the best thing he has ever done.

I have not been religiously following the Tonight Show. I probably caught a handful of episodes over the last seven months. I've probably caught part of the show once a month or so. My life has changed at this point where I really won't be around often or am busy even late at night. I don't DVR the show regularly because I would not be able to keep up and old episodes would sit unwatched until my memory was filled. All that being said I still think Conan is the finest talk show host on television.

This whole Leno/Conan business at NBC is troubling in part because the message seems to be that the network believes in Leno more greatly than they believe in Conan. They know their market and numbers so they would know best but honestly I can tell you that if someone asked me right now that I could either pay to watch Conan or watch Leno for free I would choose Conan every time.

Conan will be fine, at NBC or somewhere else. I know this and so does everyone else. As I sit and write about this I just miss the nights when I would drift asleep hoping for an appearance by Pimpbot 5000, when it seemed like the show was made just for me and that's all that mattered.

Needing this today

2010-01-12T07:34:00.002-06:00

Five things that have made me happy today:

1. Fielder's pokey paws waking me up.
2. Cass's PJ pants
3. Strawberry/banana Kefir
4. News that Gas is ready to play

5.

I'm choking on my own rage here. (2009)

2010-01-11T13:36:00.006-06:00

The above quote is in honer of the Simpsons 20th Anniversary.

GOOD

Movie: Where the Wild Things Are
A delightful movie that really hit where it was aiming: this is how it feels to be a kid. Out of control of you own emotions and trapped in your own world. Max creates a beautiful escape. The animatronic/CGI Wild Things looked amazing.
Runner-Up: Up
*special note: I didn't see a ton of movies I wanted to: Hurt Locker, Fantastic Mr. Fox, A Serious Man, The Informant, Inglorious Basterds, Big Fan, Up In the Air so this pick could easily change.

Television: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
This past/current season may be the best the show has ever done. Last season they almost seemed to go too big with things, closing with a musical finale that was well done but didn't feel in the spirit of the show. This season they returned to a more grounded focus (although they had some broad episodes like The Gang Wrestles for the Troops) on the five main characters. Frank got more insane; DeVito will do anything I think.
Runner-Up: Better Off Ted

Music: Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Peppy dance beats, good singing, very very catchy.
Runner-Up: The Thermals - Now We Can See

Athlete: Albert Pujols
.334/.427.628. That's Pujols's career line. Those are his average numbers. If he plays ten more years at this rate he could hit 800 homeruns. Of course we'll see a decline at the end because people don't hit more homeruns after they turn 32 than before right?
Runner-Up: Prince Fielder (yay)

BAD

Movie: The Orphan
Silly plot, bad acting, boring pacing, and you know what terrible lighting too.
Runner-Up: Obsessed

TV: Jersey Shore
This is not one of those "They are so terrible it's interesting" things. They are not interesting at all. Stop giving bad people TV shows.
Runner-Up: The Jay Leno Show (I swear if this schedule redo goes through Conan should just walk.)

Music: The Boxmasters - Modbilly
See here.

Runner-Up: Chris Brown the human being

Athlete: Tiger Woods
Although I will admit that it amuses how everyone is saying how this mistake(s) is going to cost him so much money. He has a billion dollars. Even if his endorsements stop right now and she takes half he still has 500 million dollars. I want you to comprehend how many lifetimes you and I would have to work to make that much money.

Runner-Up: Donte Stallworth

The Dog in Winter

2009-12-10T07:53:00.005-06:00

Now that it's snowing outside it is really time to address a matter of concern. For whatever reason as soon as it gets cold outside a greater number of people decide that it is acceptable to not pick up their dog poop and leave it on the sidewalk. I would like to stress two things:

1) It is not acceptable.
2) These people suck.

Owning a dog means accepting responsibilities. The owner has responsibilities to the dog of course to care for it and ensure that it does not die. However equally important are the responsibilities that the dog owner has to everyone else in society. There are only two of these:
1) Ensure that your dog does not harm others.
2) Clean up after it.

This is the social contract we have created for dog owners. It is the only two things you have to do in order to be allowed to own a dog and keep it in the city. These two simple things are requirements and failure to complete these means you are abandoning the privilege of owning an animal and are not a decent human being.

You will see it more and more as the winter sets in. I am not sure why the cold weather triggers this in some people. There are others that don't clean up after their dogs year round. They are still prigs but at least they're consistent.

++++++++++++++++++++

We need someone to dogsit for us next Friday (Dec. 18). If you are available to come over to our apartment and make sure they don't bark while you rifle through our things then please let us know. There may be something in it for you.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

2009-11-26T14:39:00.001-06:00

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell
What I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
I saw my reflection in a window I didn't know
My own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me
Wastin´away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me
Its just you and I my friend
My clothes don't fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip the skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake
I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia

Packers win. I'm thankful for all of you.

Is it worse to be racist at night?

2009-11-20T14:29:00.007-06:00

Here's all the other stuff to get caught up.

+++++++++++++++++++

My car is finally done. It didn't actually die but the brake lines did go out and the estimate to fix it was over $300. We decided it wasn't worth it because this might be the start of a snowball and we'd rather spend money on a new car.

+++++++++++++++++++

"She was a good boat but I'm a lousy captain."

+++++++++++++++++++

We played softball for the first time in months last Thursday subbing for Woody's team. I had a great night in the field making the last catch running backwards to catch up to a home run ball with runners on and our team only up by two. I also got a d-bag on the other team to lose it by squaring up to bunt after he lead off with two balls no where near the plate. I can't believe some people take that seriously. This guy was pitching to the 12 foot ceiling with backspin so I in no way feel obligated to be polite to him. None of this matters anyway because Cass is the real superstar. She crushed a home run to dead center over the fielder's heads.

+++++++++++++++++++

"That's my girlfriend."

+++++++++++++++++++

Fielder is doing great. Everyone loves her the second they meet her. She is getting courageous, approaching dogs bigger than most humans without a second of hesitation. She still has her moments of fear but that won't stop her from say leaping off of our kitchen counter when someone who's name starts with Cass is trying to wash her feet.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Being cute doesn't mean there are no rules it just means there are less rules."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Fire lost in the Eastern Conference Final. Again. It was a great year and as I said I think the team that started the season was completely different. That team would have won that game I think. We had a great time this year and are very proud of the team. The best game was still the one that we ended up being the one we had extra tickets for, and therefore tons of friends in the stands. We probably will not do season tickets again as we have to start tightening the belt.

+++++++++++++++++++

"That is a card on any field in the world. Except this one."

+++++++++++++++++++

It's Always Sunny is still the best show on TV.

Hall of Winona...wait that's not right.

2009-11-17T13:12:00.002-06:00

So Cass and I decided before leaving for Milwaukee that we would bring our ultimate gear with us and see how we felt on Sunday morning. If we were awake and ready we would make the trip. We were awake and DTB.

We rolled in around 9:30. We had left Milwaukee at 6:00 so we made pretty good time getting there. We got our cleats on grabbed our bags and walked towards our field. The team mostly had their backs to us but when we were within a field someone on the sideline spotted us and the whole team turned, spotted us, and cheered. It was the kind of welcome that I needed and that Cass deserves.

We showed up to find our team losing in a testy game against some Gnarwhal players. Our arrival awakened the beast spirits within each of our teammates souls and we rallied for a two point victory. The next game was against some school in Nebraska which featured a player who my best guess would put at 6'8". Featured in this case would mean he touched the disc on every other throw and we really couldn't do anything to contain him. We ended up losing by two. Our final game was against UW-LaCrosse, a fun group of players we had met and played two years prior. It was a fiery, emotional game for myself (knowing it would be our last of the day/tournament) and we managed to dig deep and pull out a two point victory. Haha pull out.

That previous paragraph doesn't matter. The results of the games didn't decide the weekend for us. Cass and I had a great time and got the emotional boost we needed from the weekend. We didn't regret waking up and making the trip for one second.

The only downside was that I didn't get a chance to see Nate. He was playing open at the main fields and by the time I rolled past I wasn't able to find him (if he was still there).

My eleventh Hallowinona was still awesome and they seem to get better every year. We didn't win this year but I felt more fulfilled at the end of the day on Sunday than I had the previous year. A big thank you to all my teammates.

And Cass made brownies.

Here's my dog sleeping on her back.

2009-11-06T13:59:00.002-06:00

It's just a really cute picture.

So this past weekend was Halloween. For the past ten years for me that has meant the Hallowinona ultimate tournament in Winona, MN. That's right. My ultimate career is in the double digits at this point. I've been doing this longer than I've been having sex. Keep in mind that most guys wouldn't be able to last for ten years.

On Tuesday night last week (four days before the tournament) I got a call from my friend David. His father had passed away. I have known David since we were in first grade together and I've known his family for at least that long.

His dad was a genuinely funny guy. He was the kind of person who let you know where you stood and you could tell what mood he was in from across the room. He'll be missed by so many and I hope David and his family are able to remember the joy of his life.

The funeral was on Saturday in Milwaukee. Cass and I decided immediately we would be going. It was good to see so many friends I hadn't seen in forever, and the parlor was packed with people who came to remember Jerry.

A quick story that I probably should have told at the funeral: my dad always got along with Jerry. They would be sure to be chatting and laughing any time they were together. I remember the first time my dad and Jerry met. We drove over to David's house to pick him up for a Brewer game and to stay the night on a weekend. My dad asked Jerry "What time should I bring him home?" Jerry answered "When he's 18 and has a job."

It was great to be there for my friend. Cass and I stayed in Milwaukee on Saturday night and we missed out on Hallowinona this year. Or did we?

Folks

2009-11-05T09:15:00.003-06:00

Getting caught up:

Our parents weekend in Door County went smoothly. Much more smoothly than we hoped even. Not that we expected fisticuffs although that may have been entertaining.

We played golf and I played just well enough to give the appearance of competence when necessary. We saw a play, played games, ate a chipper and goulash, and had fun. Both our folks are generally good people and they got along well.

Cass did great and there was actually more baby talk than wedding talk. That was a curveball. Oh, and here's proof that Cass is more beloved than anyone else:

Die with our boots on.

2009-10-12T13:19:00.003-05:00

The US Men's National Team clinched a World Cup berth this past weekend with a 3-2 win in Honduras. I, like most Americans, was not able to watch the game due to some asinine broadcasting rules/decisions. Regardless this is great news for a US team on the rise.

The US team turned heads this year by beating Spain in the Confederations Cup Semifinals. This marked the most important victory by the US team in many years. They did it with solid defense and quality shots from their scorers when they needed it.

Unfortunately it didn't mark the turnaround for the team from mediocre to world elite. They still have problems almost every game putting together a sustained attack and stopping world class offense. They look lost at times and really caught a few lucky breaks along the way to South Africa.

All that being said I am very happy and proud of this team. They have a lot of work and really need to settle in on doing their jobs every time in order to advance out of pool play. I believe in them and will be rooting the whole way.

The USMNT have come a long way. It used to be that no matter what we did we wouldn't be able to hang with the world's best. Now if we play our best game we can beat teams that aren't. There are still teams we could never beat on their best day, but forcing everyone else to bring their "A" game is a step in the right direction.

+++++++++++++++++++++

The Chicago Fire are close to wrapping up their season as well. Cass and I had a blast as season ticket holders this year and are considering our options for next year. There are a few things we'd do different like not sit in the supporters section and skip the Beckham game (if he comes back) but overall we enjoyed getting to go to as many games as we did.

The team is in trouble for the playoffs though. They are very thin on the back line due to injuries to some critical members, primarily Tim Ward who is the new favorite player of Cass and I due to his quality hustle and overall play this past year, as well as the loss of Bakary Soumare to France due to him not wanting to be here. Up front our attack has looked weak as well since the loss of Thorrington and Blanco is playing hurt. Getting McBride back is a big boost but hopefully we can get a few of these guys back in form for the postseason run. Otherwise it could be an early exit.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Arsenal is sitting at fifth in the standings but they have played one fewer game than everyone ahead of them. Most impressively they have scored more goals than any one else in the league. The closest team is Liverpool who is two goals behind with an extra game played.

Arsenal is scoring 3.4 goals per game right now and don't look to be slowing down. They aren't scared to just pour everything at teams and have found the back of the net like no other. Their defensive line is weak but unless teams have goal scorers they aren't going to be able to compete. It's fine to concede two goals if you go out and score six.

Between Fabregas, Vermaelen, Van P, Arshavin teams will have trouble finding stoppers for all of Arsenal's weapons, and that's to say nothing of when the team is healthy and they have Walcott, Bendtner, Gallas, and Rosicky too.

The one thing that sucks is the team's only real enforcer is Nasri and he's been hurt. Regardless if you have spots behind the net at an Arsenal game this year be ready to stand up and cheer.

The more things change...

2009-10-06T07:59:00.004-05:00

the worse they get.

A little backstory: those of you who went to UIC probably recognize the image. Busy Burger was a cheap burger joint on Taylor Street. It actually still is but we'll get to that. Everything in there was done on the cheap. The prices were low, the soda was unrecognizable (I don't mean that as a shot at say Mello Yello, I mean I literally have no idea what brand of soda they were serving), it was a little dirty, and they didn't even take credit cards. But most importantly the burgers were awesome. They were thick, juicy and cheap. It may have been all the grease still on the fryer adding flavor but those were delicious burgers.

Rewind to earlier this summer. At some point driving down Taylor Street I looked over and noticed that Busy Burger had done some remodeling. Some serious remodeling. It didn't look like a relic from an era that never really existed, it looked like a college burger shack. "Oh well" I shrugged.

Back to this past weekend. Cass and I had meant to grill burgers to stay in with Fielder but it was raining pretty hard. Since we were both in the mood for a burger and I hadn't had it in a while I suggested we call Busy Burger. I checked online and saw that they delivered. I don't know that they did this before but I know they didn't have their menu online before and I realized that their prices had increased. "Just more updating" I guessed.

We placed our order and it came and I was immediately disappointed. I mean immediately because when I went down to get the order at the door I reached in and grabbed a fry. Instead of the crispy fries I was used to I found soggy skinny mockeries. I was irritated but I wasn't going to let it spoil my night. "No biggie" I accepted.

We toasted the fries in the toaster to crisp them up a bit. As we were waiting we got our meals ready and I noticed that the burgers looked a lot more thin than they used to be. Now instead of a thick juicy patty there were thin ones. I was worried by this point but I held off judgment until I took a bite. "Things have gone horribly wrong" I realized.

The burgers now are thin, charred on the outside and dry on the inside. It is a cheap piece of meat. It was always a cheap piece of meat but it used to be delicious and now it is not, and it cost less before.

We didn't let it ruin our night and to be honest at the time I wasn't all that upset but we just got a new dog and were riding an emotional high at the time. Those burgers were a real buzzkill.

I don't know if they changed owners or what but everything is different now, and not for the better. We won't be going back. We can't go back.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

An update on Fielder: I pet her for the first time yesterday. She is bonding really well with Cass and seems more spooked by men so we think the mill was run mostly by men. She is still nervous but is calming down to an outrageous degree. The first night she slipped down between the couch and the wall and I had to pick her up out of there. She was so freaked she ran and jumped off of the opposite edge of the couch and landed in the Charlie's water bowl (about a four foot gap). Earlier today Cass was driving her to the vet. Fielder was in the passenger seat. A cop car pulled up next to her at a red light and the cops pointed and were making cute faces. Fielder then decided to try to jump through the windshield (or up on the dash, it doesn't really matter), which she smacked into and fell directly to the floor of the car.

When I got home from working out she was curled up on Cass's lap (today is the first time she has done this). Apparently she had been sleeping on the chair nearby, wrapped up in one of my sweatshirts. Then she looked and seemingly asked to be picked up so Cass did so and Fielder fell asleep immediately. I came in and she woke up but was still very relaxed so I tried petting her and she let me. She was a little startled at first but calmed down and fell asleep while I was scratching her head.

We are very excited by the progress.

What we did today while not finding out we were pregnant.

2009-10-03T18:32:00.007-05:00

We have a new member of the Nienow-Hatzfeld family. We proudly present to you Fielder (Princess Fielder Nienow; pictured above with King Charles). She is a 15 lb adorable Shih-Tzu mix.

She comes to us from a puppy mill (via a Rescue Agency) where she was used to breed. She is incredibly timid and scared because the world around her is so new. She is 5 years-old but was in a puppy mill up until a month ago. As a result she is shy and reluctant to let anyone touch her. Seeing how frightened she gets makes me want to punch everyone who has ever worked at a puppy mill in the teeth.

The next few days/weeks/months are going to require a lot of patience and caring in order to establish the trust/love that has been missing her whole life. We can already tell that she will be a very loving dog when she gets the chance.

Thanks to those who gave us kick-ass references.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

So my Facebook status update read "So there's going to be a new member of the Nienow-Hatzfeld family." Responses:

Dude. Dude! DUDE. -Florida
WHAT DOES THAT MEANNN? -Kichler
Details, man. Details! -Majetich
Please say you're getting a pet monkey:) -Simo
Wow congratulations! I just hope this isn't a trick and its not like a plant or a pet monkey. -Matt Flynn
dudes, answer your phones goddamn! -Suz

I honestly didn't know our phones were off but that was hilarious when I turned my phone on. And screw you Matt. You'd be just as excited as I would be if I got a pet monkey.

Unnecessary Movie Review: Running Scared

2009-09-17T15:00:00.002-05:00

I don't remember how this movie even ended up on my Netflix queue. All preliminary information would identify this as something I would not like to watch.

The reality of the situation was that I was pleasantly surprised by the not-that-terribleness of this movie. Paul Walker plays a gang member who is responsible for disposing of the gang's guns after shootings. He actually hides them in his basement. Unfortunately his son's friend witnesses this and uses one of the guns on his stepfather before running away. Walker has to track down the gun and fast before the police get it and connect it to his gang.

That's about it for the story. Rest assured that the story is just about the least essential thing to the movie. Everyone is playing a cardboard cutout of a character, which everyone involved does adequately enough. There are some side routes and minor twists before getting to the end but the reality is that most of these are only decent or worse off for the movie as a whole.

Cinematography is the heart of the film and it is shot amazingly well. Crane shots and slowed down rewinds to different angles of a single scene are common place, as well as shots from the bullet's point of view. The violence is a bit graphic in this film, something I am not a huge fan of in most films, so be prepared for that. The scene sets and lighting are stylized as well, and this reaches ridiculous proportions by the climax of the movie shot in an ultraviolet-lit hockey arena.

If the movie had a better story, some characterization, and anything other than the awful cheap ending that it has I would recommend it outright. As it is, this is a decent action movie that is all style over substance.

Straight up now tell me

2009-09-15T15:32:00.002-05:00

Things are happening all the time which take priority. I would have made a note of them but they took priority.

The reality of the situation is that work has been very busy lately so I don't have as much time for internet recreation. Things are easing up now.

A few things to make note of:
- CHC this past weekend was frustrating and then good. We went 1-3 the first day losing to three teams that I could see us beating. Second day we went 3-0. I played my best game in game two of Sunday which we won 16-14. I got a handblock on game point and we then marched it in for the win. Cass got to watch me play on Sunday. That made it even better.

- Moon Dance is coming up. I'm excited.

- Wedding stuff is progressing. It's a slow process that frustrates us both for entirely different reasons.

- Our parents are meeting in a few weeks. That will be quite an update I'm sure.

I did want to construct an internet arrow for a couple of my posts on the baseball blog that I thought appealed to a wide audience instead of strictly baseball fans:

Baseball Movies wherein I rank the top five performances in films based on baseball.

All Rooting Interest Team wherein I name the players that I cheer for reasons other than their talent.

2009-08-20T11:54:00.003-05:00

In a rad bit of derring-do my Ultimate team Salvage captured first place in the Cooler B Bracket this past weekend. I really had a lot of fun and I am finding myself enjoying playing with this team much more than I expected. That's not to say that I didn't expect to get along with most of the guys (I do) but that I expected to feel in the dumps after how tryouts went. I really only agreed to play with this team after finding out that I would get to play with Oba, Big Kat, Collins, and Nagel. We have the highest concentration of Buick of any team in Chicago.

I played well and have settled into a handler role on the team fairly well. I don't have to be the best player on the team which is a relief. I also find a lot of pressure taken off by not captaining and just playing while focusing on my game instead of everyone else's. I had a couple stupid drops but I also had a layout D and two sky Ds on hucks, which almost never happens seeing as how I am 5'6".

Winning is always fun and at Cooler you win a cheesecow for winning your bracket. That is literally a block of cheese in the shape of a cow. Victory tastes delicious.

The weekend was made so much better because Cass came with and cheered from the sideline. It's hard for me to focus on playing when every time I do something good on the field I hear "That's my fiancee!!" We stayed with Luke and Katie and were able to hang out a bit even thought they were busy doing home remodeling things. They seemed to really like the pirate ship and sea turtle that we got for them in Topsail.

Fire game this weekend for all non-whiners and crybabies.

Just me?

2009-08-12T14:06:00.004-05:00

I can't be the only person who thinks this: anytime I see a direct-to-DVD movie advertised as "Unrated Edition" I think "Wow, they couldn't even get censors to watch this crap."

Cass and I are heading up to Milwaukee for the weekend for an ultimate tourney and to visit with Luke and Katie. We are planning on going to the Brewers game on Friday night too so I have to work on my smack talk.

Fuego Futbol

2009-08-11T08:58:00.002-05:00

Cass and I have a bunch of (18) extra tickets to the Fire game for Sun Aug. 23 at 5pm. Tickets are only $10 and we have extra parking passes. First come first serve so make ya voice heard.

The toppest of the sail.

2009-08-11T08:55:00.002-05:00

Cass and I had a great weekend in North Carolina with her family. We relaxed, got crushed by waves, found shark's teeth, finished several books, played games, drank, slept in, tossed disc and that about covers it. It was a much needed week off that recharged us both. Expect a picture blog soon from Cass as soon as all the pics are in. Until then though

This is seriously my favorite picture I have ever taken.

Consider the sand blasted.

2009-07-23T13:22:00.003-05:00

Sandblast this past weekend was a ton of fun. Cass and I played well and enjoyed ourselves immensely. The Gladiators won the party but at the cost of winning on the second day. Totally worth it.

Oh crap softball...

2009-07-08T10:58:00.002-05:00

I just realized that Cass and I have our next four weekends booked solid and our softball season is therefore over. I am really saddened by this.

Why yes, I am aware that I look just like my father.

2009-07-08T10:43:00.003-05:00

Cass and I had a great time in Door County. It's always fun when we go up there but it's never consistent. Some trips are packed with things to do while others seem to have endless hours of nothing planned. This one was just perfect in that we had time to relax but also kept busy.

Charlie made his first road trip to visit his friend Aggie, whom he hadn't seen since she came to stay with Cass for a couple weeks. Luke and Katie brought the yippers as well so it was a packed house. Charlie did great. He slept in the car and didn't whine, he got along well with the other dogs and was well behaved, and the highlight of the trip was taking a 3 mile hike through sometimes dense forest paths at the state park with him and Aggie.

We bumped into Jess and Gabe at a country market while we were up there. Such a small world.

What the what

2009-06-23T09:21:00.005-05:00

So there's been this insane tent erected at Van Buren and Aberdeen that makes it look like a nobleman is coming to town. We all wondered what it was.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Go there a peruse the sight a bit until your brain comprehends the information it is processing. And then try to keep your face from melting.

Cass: "This is the closest to live unicorns that we're gonna get."

Golden Boot

2009-06-18T13:54:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to take the time to say we had an awesome soccer season. Thanks to those who played and those who came to watch and support. We got better all season and really just went out and had fun which is what soccer is all about.

I also want to say how proud Cass makes me almost all the time. She dominates on the field and led the team in scoring, including a wondergoal from I'm guessing about 25 meters out for a win. She gets MVP with I'm guessing no objection at all.

See most of you this Saturday. Brace yourselves cuz there's no gravity.

Top 5

2009-06-09T13:30:00.003-05:00

Top five moments from Homer at the Bat:
5. "I still like him better than Steinbrenner."
4. Mr. Burns's original desired lineup included a player that has been dead for 130 years.
3. Lenny's imagination of Homer with a laser that incinerates his opponents.
2. "Lord Palmerston!" "Pitt the Elder!"
1. The closing credits song.

I am prepared to defend all of these.

Men plan. God laughs.

2009-06-05T12:22:00.003-05:00

Our housewarming party is June 20th so plan on a great night of ribaldry and the GIJoe Commando Attack Game.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

2009-06-04T14:59:00.006-05:00

We are in our new place now. Still organizing left to be done but it's feeling like home. We'll post pictures soon.

Lots of stuff has happened but I'm not up for the whole catchup post right now. Now that we're connected I'll just try to stay more on top of things.

We saw Up and both enjoyed it. I thought it had tremendous highs and lows. I'm not sure where it stacks up in the Pixar hierarchy just yet.

Ultimate zombie apartment

2009-05-06T15:07:00.004-05:00

Fiancee and I found a place to live, which is fortunate because that is something we like doing. We are pretty excited as our new place has the following:

-in unit laundry
-diswasher
-space
-balcony

In looking for places I decided that I don't like fireplaces. A cabin is the only place they seem appropriate to me, certainly not immense hotel-like apartment buildings downtown.

++++++++++++++++++++

"I hate to say this but if you moved there it would mean the end of our friendship."

++++++++++++++++++++

I watched Zombie Strippers with Dave and Susan. Dave described it as the worst movie he has ever seen, and keep in mind Dave actively seeks out terrible things to watch. The movie tries really hard to be kitchy and self-aware but it is just awful. I was spared quite a bit since I was barely paying attention.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Wait. There's stripping in this movie?"

++++++++++++++++++++

Ultimate season is picking up which means more running which means more soreness. I am still excited to play hard again in good weather. Chicago winters are brutal. Also, it should be noted that the averages of covens are witch means.

The hand what will be slapping me.

2009-05-01T16:09:00.001-05:00

That backhand is going to sting.

Notes: It's amethyst because Cass wanted color and both our birthdays are in February. I originally wanted a diamond between two amethysts (the inverse of this) but this came up in my searching and I liked it. The band is platinum because Cass is allergic to the planet.

Things we did this weekend while not getting engaged.

2009-04-28T12:31:00.002-05:00

We started a Sunday night soccer team composed mostly of ultimate players. It's been a lot of fun even though we haven't found the back of the net yet. The important thing is that it is a fun group of people out enjoying themselves and each other.

+++++++++++++++++++

Apartment hunting is not fun. Not because we aren't finding things we like, although we ain't, but because it is exhausting and dumb. We have developed a set of criteria for a new place to meet so at least now we can focus.

+++++++++++++++++++

We went to Ed's birthday party at Buddy Guy's on Friday night and came to the conclusion that we both hate blues clubs. Blues music as a whole is something I would consider only ok and the venues are all dingy, excessively hot caves. We had a good time even though we didn't stay late partially because we ended up standing in puddles from the sweat pouring down my back.

+++++++++++++++++++

How I did it:
Cass was napping so I removed a shoelace from one of her running shoes by the front door. I put that in my pocket with the ring. Cass awoke but was very sleepy and in a daze. I felt I had already tricked her enough to get her to date me so the least I could do was wait until she was cognizant to ask her.

We put a pizza in the oven and while it cooked Cass woke up a bit. After we pulled it out Cass was in the kitchen getting things ready. I got Charlie in the living room and tied the ring around him using the shoelace. Then I got him to run into the kitchen by tossing a toy in that direction (for the uninitiated: Charlie is fairly simple).

Cass didn't notice him until I asked her what Charlie had on him. At first she thought I was just playing a trick on him. I asked her if she could tell what was on him. She didn't really answer as she was trying to figure it out and get the thing untied. She began to understand but was asking unfinished questions like "Is it...Is it for my...Did you..." She turned around and sat on the ground. At this point I was already on one knee. She ended up lower than me so I had to kind of sink down into a seated with one knee up position.

I asked the question and she said yes, although she was kind of sleepy still and in a bit of a state of shock. We had Cass wine and dinner while she started coming out of it and everything started becoming clear for her. She was red and adorable.

+++++++++++++++++++

And now for texts we got back from people after our announcement. Not all will be posted as we got so many. Thank you to all of you. Your support and joy mean so much.

Keep in mind that the text I sent out read "Cass just got a ring."

OMG! does this mean what i think it means!?
-Becky (Although we got some variation of this from several Damitz was the first to reply at all.) (I thought it was funny that people were confused and asked things like "so are you engaged" as if I would just randomly text them to let them know that Cass got a present.)

WHAT
-Susan

Oh jesus! did the beard give it 2 her?
-Rollins

From you?
-both Andre and Denny (who, it should be noted, have never met)

What????????!!!!!! You asked? She said yes?
-Sonal (punctuation preserved)

Congrats! If its an onion don't eat it
-Gelsthorpe (I am changing your ringtone to a rimshot Tom)

Does this mean you're BOTH off the market?
-Marincic

A wedding ring?? You guys are the most adorable couple ever, seriously. congratulations :)
-Vicky

color me not surprised. congratulations, mang!
-Chuck

Congrats and I call dibs on the "drunk guy" slot at the wedding
-Hagerman

Congrats! So exciting! How'd you do it? I want to hear about it!
-Kristen Turner

Billy Bob Thornton, self-described music historian, considers himself to be equal with Tom Petty.

2009-04-14T09:00:00.012-05:00

The above is an interview conducted on CBC by Jian Ghomeshi with Billy Bob Thornton and his band. I'm not listing the band name here. In it Billy Bob acts completely distant and glib before becoming prickish and confrontational with the host. The reason for this is that Ghomeshi's introduction included mentions of Thornton's Hollywood career and Thornton wanted no mention of that. Apparently Thornton believes that his musical career should speak for itself.

What did BBT expect the host to do? Introduce him like any member of the band and have his audience wondering if it was that Billy Bob Thornton?

During the beginning of the interview BBT is just distant and nonresponsive. Instead of immediately bringing up a minor issue he avoids questions and talks about a monster magazine he read when he was a kid. It is important to note that all of the interviewer's questions were about music and the band and never focused on Billy Bob's other career.

It's when BBT actually decides to confront the issue that he genuinely looks like a d-bag. Some choice quotes from BBT follow (with commentary!!)

Would you say that to Tom Petty?
BBT just likened himself to Tom Petty. A few things: first, BBT is nowhere near as talented as Tom Petty in any capacity. Second, Tom Petty should be pissed right now. And third, if Tom Petty started acting it would be appropriate to say he has always been passionate about film (if that were true). The reason it's relavent would be because he is a great musician who is being interviewed in the context of his acting career. Like how BBT is a crappy actor being interviewed about his band.

Ghomeshi then points out that in the introduction he was just giving context for who BBT is and the band's trajectory.

Well there's plenty of context for that.
I can't imagine what that would be since Ghomeshi also mentioned the band's activity in the last year (three albums) and their current tour. Ghomeshi then rightfully brings up the fact that this is a relatively new band (two years) that is getting to tour with/open for Willie Nelson and that the reason the band is getting that opportunity is because BBT is famous. BBT never addresses this completly valid point, because it is accurate and contrary to his delusional beliefs about his own talent, except to say:

We aren't a new band. I've made 8 albums.
I checked and BBT is counting the ones he made with the band. BBT's five solo albums date all the way back to 2001. His film career took off in 1996 after the release of Sling Blade yet he doesn't realize that the opportunity to make these albums probably had something to do with his acting career.

You were also instructed to not mention anything about how this is my "first love." You wouldn't say that to Tom Petty. My first love was a chick named Lisa Cone.
This is idiotic. I'm sure no one thought Ghomeshi was implying that BBT ever wanted to screw music. They then call a truce and Ghomeshi asks about musical influences on the band's record. BBT manages to answer like a prick who doesn't know the definition of the word truce.

It's a mixture of the British Invasion and Hillbilly music, something that I know more about than a band that's say 20 years old. But you wouldn't say that to uh...I grew up as pretty much a music historian so...
This is a classic coward dodge: referring to a phantom expertise with no ability to legitimize it. He wanted to say Tom Petty again too. I don't know if he realized how ridiculous it was or just got lost in a different train of thought. Ghomeshi then asks if there are any bands that are doing what they are doing.

Not lately. Not in the last 30 years.
I haven't heard the record, but I am sure that this isn't true. Every band sounds different but the idea that there are no similar bands in the last 30 years would seem doubtful at any point, but the rest of the interview almost ensures that this statement is purely ego driven. BBT then takes a shot at Canadians saying that audiences in Canada are reserved and calls them:

...mashed potatoes with no gravy.
BBT has obviously never been to a hockey game. Canadian music fans, regardless of how they react in concert, are supporting the bands they see including BBT's. He chooses to lash out at them instead of being grateful.

I never like BBT as an actor/director/writer. He always seemed like a jerk and I'm glad to be proven right. He completely derailed this interview and it became about him instead of the band anyway. The band members were silent during the confrontation and I'm sure felt awkward for most of it. BBT's prickishness however means I am not supporting his career at all which is why I am not even mentioning the band's name here.

Big ups on Ghomeshi for his professionalism and also his demeanor in refusing to back down when BBT confronted him. Big ups on the Canadian fans who reportedly booed the hell out of BBT at the show. Too bad they didn't get the chance to keep doing it since the band pulled out of the remaining shows in Canada because of the flu.

No physical confrontation content

2009-04-08T14:44:00.005-05:00

Two tournaments with Buick have come and went without me mentioning them and that is a shame. This is a team that I love playing with for all the right reasons: fun, competitive teammates. Every guy on the team is enjoying themselves and playing hard and I couldn't wish for anything more on an ultimate field. I've been working hard to keep up with them seeing as I'm the grandpa on the team. I feel good and have been trying my hardest to be the smartest player and make the best decisions. I think this is what my position on the field should always be.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Buick came here to [curse word] [different curse word] up!"

++++++++++++++++++++

Cass and I visited Keith in Madison last weekend and had a great time. New Glarus is still sold there and thank the heavens for that because it made ordering everywhere easy. We did Madison things like had brats and walked down State St. In general though we spent our time hanging with Keith and Jules and it was well worth the trip. Keith is done with school this May. Cass is fuh-reaking out.

++++++++++++++++++++

"If you want the real Madison experience you have to go in here and try a veggie burger."

++++++++++++++++++++

Cass and I were deadly ill last week. Dave has been sick for some time. Cass doesn't believe that we have the same illness as Dave. None of this matters since unless Armaggedon is here Susan should still be sick and none of us have the right to complain.

++++++++++++++++++++

"What were you doing when you were supposed to be getting an immune system?"

++++++++++++++++++++

Our collective illness peaked on Tuesday night, unfortunate since that has been our trivia night for some time. We venture up to Cans in Wicker to meet with Callie, Dave, Jen and Jenny as well as waitress Melissa and triviamaster Dan. It's a blast and we are generally competitive. We have yet to finish first while I have been there although we came in second the past two times I was there. I also came to find out that trivia Dan runs the trivia at the Logan Grill as well. Small world Krislin (that is totally not going to get over).

++++++++++++++++++++

"How about "The Triviamaster is an [curse word]" as a teamname?"

++++++++++++++++++++

J moved to town and I haven't seen him yet. My beard is anxious to nuzzle him.

State and Maine

2009-03-09T15:02:00.003-05:00

The week before we left I realized that my iPod was not going to work. It had been acting funny lately but still functioned provided that I didn't dare use my Nike+. This irritated me as it would be nice to have on the plane and I wouldn't have a chance to take it in to the Apple store so they can do whatever they do then charge me $80. Fortunately Cass gave me "Baseball by the Numbers" for V-Day so between that and the DS she got me Cass was doing a fine job to ensure I would never have to talk to her.

++++++++++++++++++++

"How's the nerd Bible?"

++++++++++++++++++++

Seafood was the order of the weekend seeing as how it's one of like four things people know about Maine (blueberries, snow, and okay I lied three things). Over the course of the weekend we had lobster, crab, haddock, and shrimp. Everything we had was good although we came to the conclusion that crab tastes better than lobster. I still regret not letting Cass have one of my shrimp. It should be noted that in Maine lobster is available at McDonalds. It's called a McLobster.

++++++++++++++++++++

"The award for laziest product naming goes to..."

++++++++++++++++++++

Jay teaches at Colby College in Maine. We took a tour and it's a nice campus although strangely empty. I know it was a weekend but I've seen ghost towns in Wyoming that were more crowded. That was a joke of course since everyone knows ghosts hate Wyoming.

The school mascot is the Mules. Yeah, awesome.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Why are you picking on me?"

"Because I have to go home with her and she scares me."

++++++++++++++++++++

I had fun skiing. Cass did not. It was too icy for her tastes and since the run we chose to go on was 3 miles long (literally) she had no choice but to tough it out. She did and I am proud of her.

The hill would be gorgeous if not for the ice. On the way up they said "It's not great and we only have 96 runs open today."

I'm obligated to mention that I fell and hit a tree (technically).

++++++++++++++++++++

"He's known as the fun one. I have no idea why."

++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks for a great weekend, Valerie and Jay. And thanks to the Palmer Hall residents for watching Charlie. I'm sure he had a great time.

Happy Birthday Cass

2009-02-15T00:16:00.001-06:00

Everyone loves you.

House Party 8: The Mystic Boogaloo

2009-02-11T07:58:00.000-06:00

Since I last posted here several of my friends have played host to enjoyable festivities. Marty and Megan hosted an excellent Super Bowl party with good eats and better sideshows. I won $1 from Colin on a sidebet because I guessed when a Coke commercial would be on. Jay made awesome wings and we found out that yes, wing sauce does indeed sting if it gets in your eye. The Boss rocked the halftime with a decent (read: not perfect) setlist but unfortunately will be remembered most for assailing a camera with his crotch. Damn, that's a lucky camera.

++++++++++++++++++++

"You've got to give it to Bruce. He works hard for it every time."

++++++++++++++++++++

Colin, Jay, and Simone hosted a birthday party for our young friend Majetich. There was so much revelry that it took some of the best of us down. Marty and Megan arrived well into the bag and I'm assuming that contributed to Marty's decision to bench press Rachel, who it should be noted did a good job of getting bench pressed. We had a great time chatting about zombies and cheese but had to bail early.

++++++++++++++++++++

"God, my husband is so embarassing."

++++++++++++++++++++

Brian and Liz had people over for a quieter evening that was no less enjoyable. It was a celebration of their furlough which made me want to wear pajamas. I instead wore my unicorn jersey and felt it was an even trade. Bear managed to spill red wine all over my jersey and socks. He is forgiven. You would have to ask Jay about Simone's status in regards to forgiveness for wine accidents. A feisty game of Trivial Pursuit was won (read: dominated) by myself, Cass, Brian, and Liz. It was really a group effort and we managed to avoid any of the salvo being launched between our opponents.

++++++++++++++++++++

"What category did you want to get wrong?"

++++++++++++++++++++

I've been working hard to stay on a schedule for fitness this offseason. I have a new Yoga DVD (Power Yoga for Athletes so it's pretty manly) that is a good workout on offdays so I don't have to go to the gym everyday. It's already less crowded there (thank God for fickle undergrads) than it was at the beginning of the year so it wouldn't be that big of a deal but I enjoy the DVD and it's getting nice enough to run outside. I hope it stays this way even though Cass thinks nature is toying with us.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Hahaha take that stupid humans."

++++++++++++++++++++

Dave and I own Breakin' and Breakin' 2 now so people who aren't us are decidedly not as good.

This is how we raged in 2008

2009-01-23T11:23:00.000-06:00

GOOD

Movie: Wall-E
I really don't know what I can say about this movie that hasn't been said. I loved the art, the characters, the story, the voice acting. I can't imagine seeing a more thoroughly enjoyable movie for some time.
Runner-Up: In Bruges

Television: 30 Rock
Tina Fey became something of a darling during the presidential campaign for her portrayal of Sarah Palin but it is her work on 30 Rock that really shows her talent as a writer. The show is smart and fast, which is good since there are enough funny ancillary characters to generate several spin-offs.
Runner-Up: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Music: Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
It's really good music and I feel like I could listen to it with my parents, which is kind of rare for a modern band.
Runner-Up: Eagles of Death Metal - Heart On

Athlete: Michael Phelps
Hooray for big, goofy looking white guys everywhere.
Runner-Up: Usain Bolt (get it?)

BAD

Movie: You Don't Mess with The Zohan
I didn't watch any really bad movies this year. I saw 15 minutes of this on a plane and was unimpressed. It will have to count.
Runner-Up: House Bunny (didn't see it; I dare you to prove me wrong)

TV: Kath & Kim
It is bad and not really in an interesting way.
Runner-Up: The Big Bang Theory

Music: Bloc Party - Intimacy

I don't know what I expected but it certainly wasn't this. The whole album sounds overproduced and there are only a few tracks worth saving.
Runner-Up: Jack Johnson - Sleep Through the Static (Pandora, please stop thinking I would ever want to hear Jack Johnson.)

Athlete: Brett Favre
Remember all that love I had for Favre? It will be a while before I feel that way again.

Runner-Up: Stephon Marbury

Unnecessary Movie Review: The Wrestler

2009-01-20T14:49:00.000-06:00

Colin (Last name removed to protect something or other. Ask Cass.) saw the movie the Wrestler along with myself and Cass, who watched the movie with Colin. Colin did not hang out after watching the movie the Wrestler with us but Colin did stick around long enough to watch the movie the Wrestler with us.

The movie is very good. I am interested in watching The Fountain because thus far every Aronofsky movie has been so different and kind of insane in a unique way.

Rourke totally deserved the win for best actor. He was great and totally immersed himself in a role he was probably too adept to play. Tomei was good and Wood was good. The only acting that wasn't great were the wrestlers but they aren't paid to act. Wait...

The story moved well and didn't labor any points. I felt disconnected from a lot of the self-destructive things he did because I am so used to seeing wrestlers do bad things to themselves. Cass was very uncomfortable with certain parts and I honestly can't blame her. The scenes weren't there to show something normal happening. They were to show a guy at his job and that his job makes him do crazy things to his body.

Cass and I both thought the movie might make me cry. It did not. Not because it wasn't emotional or because I didn't feel for the characters. It felt familiar to me because I am a wrestling fan. The movie felt real to me. This is best endorsement I can give.

The soundtrack was amusing because it is mostly 80s metal throughout and then an incredibly beautiful track from Bruce when the credits show up. It is kind of a jarring transition but it fits the film really well.

Overall, it was a really good movie but not because I am a wrestling fan. It was a good movie because it was a good movie.

The Great Lord Humungus will now address you

2009-01-17T18:55:00.000-06:00

The holiday season was wonderful. We had a great time with our families and got plenty of resting and relaxation done. I made Cass a gorilla.

Haul:
-Nintendo DS
-the complete Twilight Zone
-Under Armour leggings
-nose hair trimmer
-The Assassination of Jesse James DVD
-some books
-many other wonderful things

+++++++++++++++++++++

"The guy from Star Wars. Not the kid. Like when you go to the gynecologist. Blank Blank Gee Why En."

+++++++++++++++++++++

New Year's was a lot of fun. Thank you to Nate and Kate for hosting. We had fun and I got a good book out of it.

+++++++++++++++++++++

"That is quite the endless parade of dudes."

+++++++++++++++++++++

We went and saw The Wrestler with NOT Megan and Marty. Full movie review coming.

+++++++++++++++++++++

"Why would someone put their body through that?"
"I don't really have a good answer to that other than the movie itself."

+++++++++++++++++++++

We finally developed the pictures from Hallowinona. We won the whole thing. It occurs to me I forgot to mention that.

Casting decisions

2008-12-15T17:17:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy making this post. For real. It took a while. You'll see why in a bit.

++++++++++++++++++++

"I don't even know where Asia really is."

++++++++++++++++++++

Cass and I went to Milwaukee a couple weekends back. We had a great time visiting with my family. Big thanks to Luke and Katie for putting us up. We also got to hang out with my friends and Cass got to watch me get drunk like a teenager again. She has a story if you want to ask. You should. She loves to tell it.

++++++++++++++++++++

"What happened to the legend of Floppy Socks?"

++++++++++++++++++++

We had a movie night again, this time featuring the best of "The Last" and the debut of my new TV. We had a blast and it was well attended. Thanks to all who made it out and to those who haven't I encourage participation soon. We will probably make it a monthly thing.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Are you all following the subplots in this movie? 'Cuz there's like two of them."

++++++++++++++++++++

And finally, what I was building to:

The cast of Brian and Liz, the sequel to Megan and Marty. I meant to get this up soon after the wedding but got delayed. Changes from the original cast were made for artistic/aesthetic reasons. Check the pictures if you got the email (hint Page 29 first two pics) for inspiration. Cass had creative input and editorial approval on all of these except hers.

Brian...Jason Statham

Liz...Renee O'Connor

Colin...Joshua Jackson

Kristin...Alison Lohman

Dave...Ross McCall

Mendy...Rachel Leigh Cook

Matt...Zach Braff

Martha...Shannyn Sossamon

Max...Jason Sudeikis

Simone...Emily Blunt

Kevin...David Krumholtz

Jenny...Rachel Billson

Nate...Michael Cassidy

Kate...Herself

Nate...Colin Hanks

Laura...Allison Mack

Marty...Ryan Phillipe

Megan...Marla Sokoloff

Jay...Adrien Grenier

Angela...Amy Acker

Nicholas...Arj Barker

Rachel...Rachel Nichols

Cal...Charlie Day

Cass...Rhona Mitra

Happy Thanksgiving y'all

2008-11-28T11:51:00.000-06:00

There's a place out on the edge of town, sir
risin' above the factories and the fields
Now, ever since I was a child, I can remember
that mansion on the hill
In the day you can see the children playing
on the road that leads to those gates of hardened steel
Steel gates that completely surround, sir
the mansion on the hill
At night my daddy'd take me and we'd ride
through the streets of a town so silent and still
Park on a back road along the highway side
Look up at that mansion on the hill
In the summer all the lights would shine
There'd be music playin', people laughin' all the time
Me and my sister, we'd hide out in the tall cornfields
Sit and listen to the mansion on the hill
Tonight down here in Linden Town
I watch the cars rushin' by, home from the mill
There's a beautiful full moon rising
above the mansion on the hill

Wedding wedding wedding wedding Wedding wedding Wedding

2008-11-19T08:19:00.000-06:00

"We, as a group, look very good."

++++++++++++++++++++

Brian and Liz's wedding was great. I don't think that group of friends has had a more complete gathering in many years. It was great to see so many people I don't get to see often enough. Highlights for me include:

-best man speech

-DJ's attempted recognition of CPD met by unbridled apathy from the officers

-Cass getting drunk and proudly announcing that she had at least 3 1/2 glasses of wine

-realizing I have friends (plural) who know all the words to HollaBack Girl

-little kids breakdancing

++++++++++++++++++++

"So you didn't rally?"

"Does rally mean sleep? Then yeah I did."

++++++++++++++++++++

Dave and I started a baseball blog so as not to overload our personal blogs with that stuff. If you are interested check it out.

NL Central Stage

++++++++++++++++++++

"Get me some Combos!"

++++++++++++++++++++

It's officially the offseason because I have to adjust my schedule to not having things to do three days a week. I'm trying to run or workout every day but having so much more free time when it's dark outside is lame. At least my Netflix queue will see more activity.

++++++++++++++++++++

"You guys really have your stuff together."

The precipice

2008-11-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

Black man doing his thing.

Oops, I mean black man doing his thing.

We accomplished something historic on Tues. night. I don't think we realize the effects this will have just yet. Cass has said that she hopes that at the very least it will impact young black children and give them a new role model. I hope that it impacts all young people, of course.

People have said that they are afraid for him. Read that article linked above to understand how he feels about it. Rest assured that he is more aware of his challenges than you or I could hope to be.

++++++++++++++++++++

"I hope to God he starts his speech with 'S*** just got real.' "

++++++++++++++++++++

We accomplished something historic this weekend too in that we won Hallowinona. For conquering the mixed division and defending the Wasteland we were allowed to smash a pumpkin.

++++++++++++++++++++

"Stop making so many calls!"

"Stop making so many travels!"

++++++++++++++++++++

Brian's wedding is coming up fast. I'm psyched, although we may have some careful planning involved in our attendance.

Was there ever a wedding episode of The Wire? If there was, I hope it's just like that.

The episode of Muppet Babies where Scooter gets spinal meningitis.

2008-10-29T08:27:00.000-05:00

I've finally settled back into routine, a revelation that is simultaneously relieving and depressing.

I had a really fun weekend this past weekend. In fall league ultimate I had one of the best days of city league I have ever had. We played with only three guys, which means no subs all day but all three of us toughed it out. Our girls played great as well, especially Cass who had a full speed layout grab that really should have been caught on film. Florida, where were you?

Softball season is over for Cass, Dave and I. We miss this weekend for Hallowinona. It occured to me this past weekend that in a six team recreational league we are the only team out there playing to have fun and play the game. Every other team is playing for the win no matter what. The team we played used the windy conditions to draw walks and used the free walk rule on several occasions. Very few of these teams will even banter with us either. It is a shame because when I do get to play teams that play our style it is everything I want softball to be. When they don't, it is more of a chore than a game.

I subbed for Woody's Tue. night team last night and had the worst day at the plate of my entire life. At least Jeremy was the ump so it was alleviated by trash talk.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Things we did in Europe while not getting engaged.

2008-10-08T17:36:00.000-05:00

We walked to the front of the store with water in hand. When we got to the register there was a clearly frustrated customer with her stuff on the counter but no cashier in sight. The woman turned to Cass and began talking loudly right at her. Cass looked horrified and slowly removed her water from the counter, offering a polite "I'm sorry." The woman realized Cass spoke no Catalan and immediately laughed.

Later, Cass remarked "At least she thought I was Spanish."

+++++++++++++++++++

Later we stopped at Le Mystery Brick Homme Cafe and Le Homesexual Ninja Patisserie.

+++++++++++++++++++

(retelling the story of Cass having an allergic reaction in Bridgeport)

Me: Cass just throw up in the street.

Ollie (imitating Cass): I'd rather die!

+++++++++++++++++++

Cass ordered a sandwich in the town of Sitges that had camembear (don't care about sp) cheese that stunk so bad the woman at the next table moved to the furthest end of the cafe porch.

+++++++++++++++++++

They have huge racks of these bikes all over Barcelona that resident members of the program can rent out. It's free for the first hour so you can bike across town and drop the bike off at a rack once you reach your destination, or, if you are an awesome dad, bungee your adorable daughter in the front rack and bike her around.

+++++++++++++++++++

Cost of pay toilets in the busier parts of Paris: 1 E (Is E the symbol for Euro?)
Cost of entry into Rodin's garden to view The Thinker, other great statues, and a beautiful garden with public restrooms: 1E

+++++++++++++++++++

Cass's first try

Caleb's first try.

+++++++++++++++++++

Post-trip question that occurred to me: how does Cass deal with planes?

+++++++++++++++++++

Our album jacket.

+++++++++++++++++++

Cass: You gonna put that story in your blog and smoke it?

+++++++++++++++++++

I roamed the streets of BCN searching for a shop with a generic Fabregas Spain jersey. The closest I found was a shop that offered to make one for 30 E. I pressed on, confident in my ambivalence about the whole thing. First souvenir store I entered in Paris I found a generic Fabregas Arsenal jersey for 12 E. C'est bon.

+++++++++++++++++++

The ugliest damn bridge in Europe.

+++++++++++++++++++

The Louvre is immense and exhausting. A word of advice to anyone going: pick a wing you think you'll like and just try to see it at a reasonable pace. We saw two wings in about three hours and we all needed a nap. There are just paintings everywhere and it is a lot to absorb. Cass's uncle played tour guide and he didn't dawdle. I appreciate wanting to see everything but it can be a bit overwhelming. We did see the Mona Lisa, Michealangelo's slave statues, and the nipple tweaking painting, which are all must sees for anyone visiting.

+++++++++++++++++++

Every European: What do you think of the financial crisis going on?
Me: Well it started when we left and I don't watch the news here since I don't really speak the language that well so I guess what do you think of the financial crisis going on?

+++++++++++++++++++

The Fountainhead (a pun)

+++++++++++++++++++

Oliver: You're gonna start thinking you're a little bit better than your friends when you get back.
Megan: I think that now.

+++++++++++++++++++

We didn't encounter a lot of European snobbery or anti-American sentiment. Every so often we would notice glances or sighs but most people were very friendly when they found out we were American. I think they appreciate when you try to speak their language and they get to practice their English. In BCN we were fortunate because my biggest obstacle is mixing up Spanish and French which ends up being a kind of Catalan, which a lot of people appreciate. In Paris, people were genuinely friendly and most spoke at least some English, which was only a problem once.

We were eating dinner in a garden. There were two girls smoking on a bench about 20 feet from us. One came over and began asking for something in French that I couldn't translate. We stood and made confused gestures/noises to each other for a little until a different couple walked by and the girl asked them how to say what she wanted in English: tissue. I handed her a napkin and said "serviette" in French. She said "merci" and wiped the bird poop off her arm before returning to her seat. I couldn't figure out what the problem was because most French people say "kleenex." We asked Cass's aunt the next day and it turns out she was asking for a handkerchief. How many people carry handkerchiefs now? Who am I: Morley?

+++++++++++++++++++

Who's that a statue of in the middle of the Parisian street? Oh, that's just George m*th*rf*ck*ng Washington.

+++++++++++++++++++

Overheard in a Parisian street by Cass from a couple in an obnoxious American accent: Don't they have any crepes here?
Five creperies within eyeshot.

+++++++++++++++++++

Caleb: How does anything get done here with people showing up to work hungover and then taking four hours worth of breaks over the day?
Angela: It kind of doesn't.

+++++++++++++++++++

For Dave: What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! Hey!

+++++++++++++++++++

Things the French are good at: Chocolate, museums, attractive women
Things they are not good at: cheese, cleaning up after dogs, attractive men

+++++++++++++++++++

We stopped by a flea market where Chas Tenenbaum had a booth set up.

+++++++++++++++++++

Fun things/sayings we picked up in BCN:
kennel cough - the colds kids get at daycare
claras - half beer/half lemon Fanta; a kind of shanty that's very refreshing
Dave's souvenir - a homemade stegosaurus hand puppet

+++++++++++++++++++

We are Americans, and we are awesome.

+++++++++++++++++++

Oliver: People always rag on British food and then they hand me this (garlic and tomato spread on bread) for Catalan food and that's when I'm offended.

+++++++++++++++++++

"I can't believe we got sick. We never get sick. Poopaloop." She looks at me and she smiles...

So out of it

2008-09-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

We saw a commercial last night advertising some huge event on the Disney Channel that featured a lineup of "huge pop stars." They rattled off a list of names and I could not identify a single celebrity mentioned.

I know that the Disney Channel isn't necessarily the apotheosis of cool but it just further illustrates that I am getting older and more out of touch with what is in. I can't help but recall the Simpsons Hullabalooza episode and Homer's flashback of Abe saying: "I used to with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary."

Susan and Cass both agreed that we were growing away from what was considered hip. I never was into pop but I at least knew who the top acts were.

Who the hell is Zac Effron?

I told Cass and Sooz that the people of our generation at least have the option of becoming a hipster douche and just judging what everyone else thought was cool. I personally can't afford a new wardrobe, and because mine is most certainly not hip it would be necessary to pull the transition off, so I am therefore relegated to just getting older and more out of touch.

I don't really mind. I'll just back out of the room, double middle fingers in the air, and scream "Wildcard, bitches!!!"

We leave for Spain on Tuesday. I'm excited. It's great that so many of our friends are taking off on adventures right now. When we are done we will have to come together and write a book. Jay gets dibs on the beatnik wanderer portion.

Point and laugh

2008-09-09T13:37:00.000-05:00

I had an Ultimate tourney this past weekend but it was disappointing so I don't want to go into it, which is fortunate for those of you who don't care to read it.

A huge story in the world of real sports happened this past weekend. Tom Brady went down with a season ending injury to his knee. This made me think of two things: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts soon (Season 3 DVD out now! Hell yes.) and the nature of schadenfreude.

For some reason I associate schadenfreude with hipsters and yuppies of our generation. I don't really see it in the baby boomers, although it almost certainly exists. Our generation is defined by cynicism, and for some reason this goes hand in hand with schadenfreude.

I don't have any real good explanation for why schadenfreude exists. I just accept it as being. This makes it difficult to determine if it is wrong. It may just be normal. I don't consider myself above it. I have had my moments.

I think I've decided that I am happier in a world with schadenfreude. If every story about Tom Brady's injury was teary-eyed it would be a cotton ball world that would be far too annoying. Also, they wouldn't allow drugs there.

Suck it, Pretty Boy.

A tactic of considerable power

2008-08-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

"I forgot to remind you that the apocalypse is tonight."

"Oh crap. I forgot to study."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A welcome surprise this weekend as the first ever tournament for Hand Grenade resulted in a 5-1 record with a loss coming in the championship game for the Open B division. I could not have hoped for better out of a ragtag bunch of misfits that seemed like they would never get it together but ended up winning by using a trick play at the last minute. I seriously was so happy to be playing and to see things come together as well as they did was a huge relief.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Nevermind information. We're playing roadside Jeopardy now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cass came with me over the weekend and we got to relax a bit at my brother's place. It was nice to have her with especially after a long day of trying to keep everything organized and still keep focused on my own play. She got to play a bit and destroyed a bunch of college freshmen. The bright sun in the cloudless sky could not dissuade them from removing their shirts and showing off their physique. It doesn't bother me too much that they stare at my girlfriend while she wreaks havoc on the field.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"The greatest trick Caleb's beard ever pulled was convincing the world that it didn't exist."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I heard Wicked Awesome's season came to an end over the weekend in less than glorious fashion but it matters not. This season was a resounding success on virtually all fronts. Save for a couple weeks in the middle when I was stressed out and not fun on the field this was the best season of softball of my entire life. I have my teammates to thank for that, each and every one of them.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"You can only break my heart so many times before I stop going through your garbage at night."

Ranking the Gladiators (New Recruits)

2008-07-28T00:12:00.000-05:00

A new season of gladiation is upon us and with that a new set of faces to learn to be fearful of but mostly laugh at. I am now going to reduce these human beings' accomplishments and physical characteristics to mere numbers for my own amusement.

The rankings will be based on the previous rankings to see where the new kids fit onto the block.

MEN

BEAST
Comparison: Thunder

Attractiveness: 5.5
I cannot describe to you the terror of the prospect of making love to, and subsequently being torn in half by, this man. Wait, yes I can. Picture that.

Effectiveness: 3.66
I've only seen him in one event so far and he destroyed both oppenents in the Joust. However, I found his technique lacking and am unsure of his mobility. I'm sort of hedging my bets on this one lest my expertise on Gladiknowledge be questioned.

Gimmick/Name: 1.5
He's lowered from the ceiling in a cage and acts scary but isn't forced to speak gibberish. He only loses points for wearing furry barbarian style trunks. Gladiators are all about spandex and always have been. You don't get to buck the trend to look like Kull the Conqueror.

Average: 3.55

Hurricane
Comparison: Malibu

Attractiveness: 4.5
Are they really trying to appeal to the teenage girl/boys who dress in girl's clothing market? Is that really a niche that American Gladiators thinks they can exploit?

Effectiveness: 3.33
He's been decent in everything, including knocking two contestants off in Sideswipe. He'd be a decent pick to root for if it weren't for everything else about him.

Gimmick/Name: 5.5
I have so many issues with this (hair color, what that has to do with his name, etc.) but don't want to go into it here as he may see this and cry. I don't want to be responsible for his eyeliner running.

Average: 4.44

ROCKET
Comparison: Viper

Attractiveness: 0.5
Rocket is such a pretty man that he broke my scale.

Effectiveness: 1.67
Unbeaten on the Wall because he rocks, he has now taken to climbing above his opponents and taunting them from above. It is as funny as it sounds. We probably won't see him in Powerball anytime soon though as that event is only awesome when the contestants are outweighed by 100 lbs.

Gimmick/Name: 2.5
He is a goofball and smiles all the time. I enjoy this but can't give him high marks for it. I understand it's hard to give the winning contender a gimmick, but they didn't really try.

Average:1.55

ZEN
Comparison: Quake

Attractiveness: 1.5
That might be a high ranking, but the prospect of being crushed by a 250 lb. musclebeast seems less appealing, putting him well ahead of a lot of the pack.

Effectiveness: 1.67
Zen is awesome! He comes out all like WATAHHH and goes like WOOSH WOOSHIE up the Wall.

Gimmick/Name: 4.5
How being thrown off a climbing wall by a small asian man could help you attain tranquility is beyond my comprehension.

Average:2.55

WOMEN

JET
Comparison: Zap

Attractiveness: 1.33
Only losing points for her tramp stamp, Jet has been a favorite since she was a contestant. Her abs can kill small mammals.

Effectiveness: 1.5
She has been awesome on the Wall and despite being smaller has shown more tenacity when thrown into physical events like Pyramid than I could've reasonably expected for a cute soccer mom.

Gimmick/Name: 2.5
It's a good name and a gutsy decision for the producers to name her after Benny from The Sandlot.

Average: 1.77

PANTHER
Comparison: Panther (hawhaw)

Attractiveness: 4.5
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ok, to be fair I researched and found out she has Scary Spice syndrome. Still, she will haunt my nightmares.

Effectiveness: 3.5
We haven't seen much of her and for the most part I was too busy losing my next three erections to notice how well she did.

Gimmick/Name: 4.5
If they were going to go ahead and make her look like that the least they could have done is name her Succubus.

Average: 4.16

PHOENIX
Comparison: Diamond

Attractiveness: 1.67
Look for this ranking to increase when her and Crush compete next week in the new event "Gladiator Makeout Session." Wait, that was a dream I had.

Effectiveness: 2.67
She destroyed in her debut but it was a terrible event that bored me terribly. She has been decent since but I haven't been paying attention for like the opposite reason of Panther.

Gimmick/Name: 1.5
She comes out with wings on and the addition of accessories opens up a world of possibilities in my imagination, for future Gladiators and other things.

Average: 1.94

STEEL
Comparison: Storm

Attractiveness: 5.5
Her hips are wider than a Buick.

Effectiveness: 2.33
She levelled a contender in Injuryball with an open form tackle. She hasn't done anything else impressive but a single forearm shiver can do wonders.

Gimmick/Name: 5.5
Her gimmick is that she never talks. She either has no mic skills, a horrible voice, or a producer decided to give her the dream wife gimmick.

Average: 4.44

All pictures courtesy of NBC.com

It was a dark and stormy night...

2008-07-15T19:04:00.001-05:00

I haven't been myself of late.

I have been moody and volatile. In general this has a caustic affect on those around me. This is particularly troubling since in the recent past I have been surrounded by many friends and few foes.

I apologize for this as I feel that I have been at best a subpar friend. I can understand why many of you would confuse me for a malcontent and prefer to avoid my company. Please accept my deepest apologies.

The most troubling part about this is that I can find no reason to attribute this alarming shift for the morose. This is a busy time for work but I do not typically bring these troubles home. I cannot imagine what has caused my mood to sour but I honestly rather it would simply vanish than for me to discover the root of this problem.

It is also distressing that this happened in the recent past as well. For a period of a month or so I was feeling the same way. Jay's wedding seemed to bring me out of this downward spiral only to find myself in the midst of a relapse. Distressing is the only word I can think to use but I hate reusing words. I find this distressing.

I particularly feel as though I have not been a good boyfriend of late. Cass, know that you mean more to me every day and that you have never been the cause of anything but good for me.

I'm sorry. I ask you all to bear with me.

Gathering dust

2008-06-26T15:09:00.000-05:00

I have been really inactive in the blogging community as of late. I apologize for this, not so much for neglecting my own blog as for neglecting others'. I feel it is important to show that I am interested in my friends' lives but I have done a poor job of that as of late. This post examines why.

I haven't been particularly depressed or busy as of late. It's not that I am constantly weeping in my room or running around finding treasure and escaping danger. That being said it is also not that I haven't had things to write about at all. Jay and Valerie's wedding in particular deserves a post but I just haven't done it.

I think part of the reason for this is my recent setbacks in Ultimate. Let me explain. At the time of my last post (about a month ago) I was in the middle of training for tryouts for local club teams. These teams are competitive and fun and I was dedicating myself to making one of them. I was excited at the opportunity to improve my level of play and enjoy the upcoming club season by playing with friends. As it turns out, this would not come to pass as I was cut from all three teams I tried out for. I didn't want to complain about this or go into detail about what I needed to improve. I didn't want to talk about it at all. As such, since it was the biggest thing going on for me at the time, I didn't post. I instead just left my blog in stasis.

We also hit the end of the Spring League season. My team (pictured above) had lost only one game but managed to get screwed out of a bye at the last minute. As such, we didn't have a full roster at game time during the tournament and lost to the lowest rank team in the league. This didn't make me happy either and I didn't want to write about it at the time because it may have been just an unending stream of curses and I didn't want to have to google that for a picture.

So that's what's been going on with me. I am not depressed or hectic, just unmotivated. I apologize again for not commenting on blogs.

I offer no promises.

Spring blooms eternal, order turns to chaos, children laugh.

2008-04-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

Holy crap has nothing been going on.

It's spring now, at least. That means being outside finally. Spring league ultimate is going well. Our team is filled with fun people and good ultimate players. That makes this year one of the best ever. I'll post pictures of the jerseys when they are ready.

Other than that, it has been work and not doing much. Dave and I were on a nostalgia trip and reinstalled Diablo 2 so we have been playing that every so often.

Cass moved and is continually in the process of organizing. Poop-a-loop. Thanks to Dave and Colin for the help.

Just to fill space, time for a stupid survey thing:

1) What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

A donuts.

2) Have you ever kissed anyone named Matt?

No.

3) What does your last text message say?

Cass telling me she loves me.

4) What was the last song you listened to?

MIA-Paper Planes

5) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?

In this unlikely scenario I would most likely just find the most generic funeral music possible and take a nap. Ideal candidates include American Pie and Desperado.

6) What did you do yesterday?

Worked, took the jerseys to be printed, played catch with Cass, ate salmon, watched Miller's Crossing, watched The Office, slept.

7) Pick a scar on your body - what did you do?

Had my appendix removed.

8) How would you describe your best friend in one word?

Bunny.

9) Last time you were dumped?

High school, but I have been rejected enough times since then to make up for all the lost relationships.

10) Who's your most religious friend?

Mike Morley.

11) Who do you trust with your life?

Everyone who I do already knows.

12) If you could change your name to anything what would it be?

Maximillian Turbo.

13) What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?

Tell Andre to stop calling me at four in the morning.

14) Do you trust all of your friends?

Without hesitation. I can't imagine being friends with someone I didn't.

15) Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

Absolutely. I will follow Jordan Ladd to the ends of the Earth.

16) Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

No. I know what you mean here and no.

17) Which one of your top friends do you think would make the best prostitute?

Thinking about this I realized that I am friends with a lot of beautiful women but without hesitation I answer David Morley.

18) Who is the nicest person you know?

Cass or Sonal. If they had a nice off it would be the most adorable event in competetive gaming history.

19) What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?

Make someone smile when they see our spring league jerseys.

20) If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?

My dad to say "Hey, you were supposed to unplug me."

21) Would you make a good parent?

Hell yes, I'm going to be great once I start taking care of my kids.

22) Where was your profile picture taken?

Athens, Greece.

23) Honestly, what's on your mind right now?

I haven't been to a good concert in a long time.

24) Who knows you the best?

Probably Luke just because he's been around for most everything that has happened to me.

25) When is the last time you liked someone?

Right nowish.

26) What are your plans for the weekend?

Partying in Palmer, playing ultimate, and going to Cass's closing.

27) What's your favorite saying?

To make it in this world you have to be ever so smart or ever so pleasant. For years I was ever so smart. I recommend pleasant.

28) Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?

Yes.

29) Have you ever punched a tree?

I have mercilessly beaten so many trees it is astounding to reflect on.

30) Have you ever snuck out of your house/someone in your house?

I can't honestly remember ever doing this. Do parties while the folks are away count?

31) How would you describe your relationship with your best friend?

Horny.

32) Morning or night person?

Night.

33) Are you there for your friends?

Screw those jerks.

34) Do you like to spend time with people?

Yes.

35) Are you a forgiving person?

Yes.

36) Would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?

WTF no.

37) Have you lost a friend recently?

No.

38) Are you talking to someone while doing this?

No.

39) Do you want a relationship right now?

Outside of my current one? Hmmm.

Non-trad

2008-04-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

Tom and Erin's wedding this past weekend was enjoyable. We had a lot of fun hanging out with friends and eating good food.

The wedding itself was very nontraditional. The ceremony was held in a Unitarian church and was over in about 30 minutes. The vows were written by the bride and groom and were funny in a cute way. They seemed to enjoy doing them.

The reception was unorganized although not necessarily in a bad way. No assigned seating meant we could choose to sit with whomever we prefered wherever we prefered. Except that we chose the head table (unmarked) and were promptly relegated to the corner. The food was family style serving which allowed for large portions and was excellent. The music was a playlist set up by Tom on his iPod. The dance floor was disappointingly small but the crowd was disappointingly not into dancing and vanished soon after dinner. We still managed to dance to many wonderful songs, ending with the epic "Fernando." Thanks Tom.

Also: awesome first dance.

It was a great time hanging out with Marty and Megan of course, but also Ross, Howie, Ben, Tom, and Britney. Also many thanks to Jay and Valerie for putting us up on their futon. I was waiting to post this until they sent us pictures but Jay is still trying to figure out how to make the magic box make drawing fly through space.

We then drove to Indiana where I played some Ultimate with the UIC guys. Many swilly hucks were had by all.

Las Vegas Part 3: Insomnia, Intoxication, Income, and In Transit

2008-03-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

This post is long because it encompasses everything I did on my last days in Vegas. I'd apologize for the length but this is an epic and it's f*ck*ng awesome.

What are the two things I will do on every vacation I take? Sleep and drink. I don't have an addictive personality and do not consider myself an alcoholic, however I will sleep in every chance I get.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I was awoken on the Sunday morning to a clearly startled Marty frantically getting his things into his bag. It takes me a while to get my bearings (as it does every mornings when I zombie walk to the pantry for the cereal and usually trip over something) so I didn't really understand what was going on. Marty had intended to wake up to go join Tom, Ross, Newman, and Matt to go watch Mark try to indoor skydive. He had set his alarm for this purpose but I slept through that. I inquired why he was in a rush and if he intended on joining Tom to spectate a large man flopping around in an attempt to float in the air. Marty informed me that he in fact had misread his departure time for his flight (he believed to be 5pm Vegas time, that was in fact the time his connecting flight left for London from some sh*th*l* in Ohio) and only had an hour to get to the airport. I paused briefly to laugh and wish him luck before rolling back over.

As I laid there contemplating my weekend thus far and thinking about Cass (don't think I'm getting too gushy, I made up for this later) I heard Marty leave and the room became that eerie sort of quiet dark that only happens in hotel rooms. I laid there for some time pausing to shift uncomfortably and check the time. I noticed Zach was still out and possibly dead. I noticed I had only gotten three and a half hours of sleep thus far. I noticed a distinct lack of anything interesting happening. I also noticed a distinct lack of my ability to fall asleep. I don't know why this was; I should have been unconscious the second I rolled back over and I closed my eyes (this is my SOP) but I wasn't. I laid in this aggravating state for forty minutes before I decided it was enough and I arose and took a shower, but not before flipping off the bed and thinking it was funny thing to do.

After my shower I realized it was still a little early for me to get ahold of people, with the exception of those already at the indoor skydiving place but that was across town. Everyone else was still asleep. I left voicemails for people telling them to get ahold of me as soon as they were around. I then ate some popcorn and cleaned up my bag. Cass had bought me some Garrett's popcorn for my trip. This had spilled partially into my backpack (thankfully it wasn't in my clothing bag). I ate the few handfuls in the bottom of the bag and threw away the crumbs. My book and travel kit required some light dusting but otherwise everything was intact. Now that I had successfully killed fifteen minutes by doing chores, I realized I needed to find something to do.

I decided my best bet was to go watch some sports at a sportsbook. It seemed as good an option as any since it was something I could do while rested without losing money. I headed to the MGM since I was familiar with it and plopped myself down in a chair. I watched some sports for a good hour at least before I finally got a call from someone.

Jay and Tom called me about the same time so we decided to rally the troops together to get breakfast/lunch. It was about 45 minutes before we could all gather since people needed showers and to get back from the skydiving place. Once we were all together, we made the decision to head to the Orleans to hit that buffet. Jay and I had visited Vegas about four years prior with our buddy Denny. Denny had a friend Scott who lived in Vegas and at the time was a dealer at the Orleans. Scott put us up in his apartment and showed us around. We spent most of our time gambling at the Orleans since it was Scott's home turf and it is a pretty fun casino despite it being about two to three miles from the strip. The buffet there was good then so we were hoping it would be still good and cheap.

I was starving by this point since it had been about eighteen hours since my last meal and I had only gotten 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Jay makes the genius decision of walking to the Orleans. We knew it was off the strip I just couldn't remember how far, probably because last time I was in Vegas we either drove or drunk stumbled everywhere. A good hour walk later we finally arrived. In Jay's defense it was nice to be walking outside in good weather compared to the Midwest in February. In Jay's offense he is a bastard.

We went to the buffet and it was as good as we remember and only sixteen bucks. Zach had awoken by this time and cabbed it over to join us for lunch. I was starving but managed to eat reasonably healthy (for a buffet anyway) by getting a fruit plate and plenty of veggies in my make-it-myself burritos. Jay had a plate of fried food and ribs. The juxtaposition of those two sentences should have hit you by now.

After eating some of the boys wanted to stick around and spend some time on the casino floor. We decided this was worthy because free drinks and gambling with friends always sounds like a good time but also George Carlin had a show that night at the Orleans so we could stick around and possibly go see him. Initially Ross, Tom, Newman and I checked to see if a good movie was playing to pass the time (no In Bruges unfortunately) but were unable to find anything worthwhile. So alcohol, gambling and cocktail waitresses it was.

One of the reasons I wanted to take the boys to the Orleans was because I had described to them the ridiculousness of the uniforms that the Orleans casino cocktail waitresses wear. I hoped they hadn't changed. They fortunately hadn't. Basically the outfit looks like management told the girls to dress up in lingerie for their boyfriends and then come in to work. You can see more than 70% of the ass in these through the sheer nylons (I did measure using my trusty calipers). This has two fortunate effects: 1) it is awesome getting drinks, and 2) the girls at the Orleans tend to be very attractive. At other casinos with more modest uniforms there tend to be older waitresses with less polish. At the Orleans it takes a degree of confidence and tone to be able to wear that uniform around so the ones that do it are the ones that look good. In conclusion, the Orleans is a nice place to bring your family.

After a little bit of craps ($40 lost for me) and a few drinks we sidled up as a group to the Paigow tables. Paigow poker is a type of poker in which you make two hands. The house has to beat both or you have to beat both of the house's hands or else it is a push. Basically you can play Paigow for a long time and drink for free. We played for a while with us constituting one and a half tables so it was a lot of fun joking with friends, drinking, and not losing that much money. At some point we decided to give each other Vegas names, that is fake names we can use when we are going to get into trouble or just for fun. Mine was Clint. Taking the cake, by far, was Ross who chose NewMexico Explosion as his name. There are pornstars who would be too embarrassed to use that name. We all became very intoxicated by this point, especially Ross. Our dealers changed and an attractive Asian girl with dyed blond hair sits down. Ross, obviously drunk and obviously hitting on her, says "Wow, you're the first non-Asian I've had dealing this game." She, along with the rest of us just stare at him for a moment. She then rejoins "I'm from Thailand." We gave her the name Sylvia Goldenrod.

More drinks and gambling abounded for the next several hours. We were having a great time and missed seeing George Carlin but none of us were too concerned. We then decided to head back to the strip, but not before grabbing dinner (it was about 8pm) at In-and-Out Burger. This choice proved costly later. While there Ross was drunk and beligerent enough to loudly insist that Sylvia Goldenrod was not Asian. We then cabbed it back to our hotel to regroup.

I don't remember the next three hours.

We then ended up at the Luxor. Along the way we had lost Tom, Newman, and Phil due to stomach problems that they attributed to In-and-Out Burger but don't believe their lies (In-and-Out Burger is awesome). This left myself, Jay, Ross, Uriah, and Zach to continue partying. I had been dying to hit the poker tables again with renewed confidence so I headed there immediately despite no one wanting to join me. Luckily there were two full tables ($1/$2 no limit) going strong.

I already told you about Vegas poker players (they suck) and their strategies (they suck). I won't go into it again or bore you with details of individual pots won or how awesome I am since you already know that if you have been reading this for this long. I will be succinct and say this: there was no getting accustomed to the table/players period, I just started pwning the table immediately and identified my marks (including a guy with a long neckbeard, too funny). At about 4:30am I walked away from the table up $275 which immediately went up my nose. Not really but that seemed like an awesome way to end that sentence.

Again, I kept drinking while playing poker despite being the only one at the table doing so. I was really drunk as I walked over to New York New York to meet up with the rest of the boys. I was still jacked from my poker winnings, which basically put me at even for the weekend so I wasn't feeling tired at all. When I got there, the boys were relaxing by the slots chatting with Amy, a cool cocktail waitress Jay had met two nights earlier. She was really fun and nice and wanted to go out drinking with us when her shift ended. Her shift ended at 8am. That would mean staying up for a while and basically mean that I would not be getting any sleep before going to the airport. I debated the options for about twelve seconds before being told to man up by Jay. I called his bluff and ordered a round of Jaegermeister shots. "Who's manning up now, biatch?" is what I tacitly exclaimed.

I stayed up with them, doing a small amount of gambling (slots) but mostly just drinking and hanging out. It seemed to take forever for Amy to get done with work, especially when she disappeared for an hour around 6:30 am for her break. (Why would one get a break that shortly before leaving? Are business practices in casinos really this bizarre? They make enough money to give away booze yet have lacking personnel policies.) Regardless, we headed over to the MGM bar for a drink. Zach (who shared the room with Marty and I if you remember) had to leave shortly for his flight, which was scheduled to leave shortly after 11am. It was now nearing 10am. As I stood there I realized since my flight left shortly before 2pm and checkout time was 11am anyway I might as well checkout with Zach and head to the airport with him. We said our goodbyes (unfortunately missing Tom, Newman, and Phil) and rushed over to the airport.

We both printed our tickets and made our way to the security check. We were greeted with a line that stretched from one end of the terminal to the other despite winding aisles at the actual security stations. It actually took us a full ten minutes of walking to reach the end of the line. It looked like some bizarre exodus of glitzy refugees that all shop at Old Navy. Regardless, we waited the requisite time in line and made it through no problem.

We grabbed a bite to eat at an overpriced sandwich shop, a practice that should be illegal. Raising prices beyond the security gate is one of the more bastardly moves made at the airport, which is saying something. Zach had made it in time for his flight but it was delayed due to weather in Chicago. We waited on the seats together since our gates were within spitting distance. I tried to listen to music and sleep but could not as the designer who ideated airport chairs was a sadist. Despite the blizzard in Chicago my flight left on time, before Zach's in fact. Southwest will fly through anything. I did manage to sleep on the flight and awoke as we descended. I was greeted at the airport by a happy Cass and Charlie.

The trip overall was a blast and those that missed out missed out big time. I enjoyed myself although I can't say that I would recommend Vegas for everyone. I learned that my friends at home are better at poker than everyone else in Vegas and that sometimes it is worth flying across the country just to drink and party with friends.

Las Vegas Part 2: Crappy Sports, Cow Parts and Cowboys

2008-03-04T23:39:00.001-06:00

The next day began for me shortly before noon. I awoke and stumbled to the bathroom to shower myself awake. While giving myself a good once over and was in the middle of giving myself another over when I heard Zach stumble into the room. Zach had promised to stay up all night and he certainly lived up to his word. Although I wasn't completely certain, through the mists of the hotel shower it sounded as though Zach was having a disagreement with Marty over Marty's perceived need to sleep. It should be noted that prior to going to bed at around seven in the morning Marty had been up for a good 30 hours. Zach was undeterred and insisted that Marty was only tired to mess with him. Eventually Marty convinced him otherwise and Zach eventually went down to a different room presumably to have the same argument with a more interested party.

I went down to the lobby to join Tom, Newman, and Ross in their quest to find a place to eat and watch the Illini "game." The ESPNZone is located inside New York New York Casino, just across the way from our hotel. We decided to head over there to check if it was playing. It was not. The WWL deems you not worthy, Illini. Also, there was a line. We headed back to our hotel to take in the buffet for breakfast/lunch and catch the end of the game afterward.

Saying that the buffet at the Tropicana is unimpressive would be accurate. Saying it is the worst meal I ate in a weekend that included dinner at In and Out Burger would also be accurate. Saying I would rather eat the betting chips from the Tropicana Casino makes me wonder what betting chips taste like (plastic, probably). It isn't entirely accurate but that aside, the buffet at the Tropicana is terrible. We did recount our nights to each other at the table and it was there that I found out that Phil had haggled with a prostitute on the Las Vegas strip. It went something like this:

Hoochie: Hey baby, you have nice hair. (lying)
Phil: Thank you.
Hoochie: I'll make all your dreams come true for $300.
Phil: $300? I have $50.
Hoochie: I'm worth more than $50, honey (lying).
Phil: /laughs and walks away

Our meal at Satan's buffet line got over soon enough that the Illini "game" was not completed and so we hurried over to the MGM sportsbook to catch most of the second half. I went with despite my only marginal interest in the game itself. Let me just say that the Illini and Wolverines played as if only three members of each team knew that they were supposed to be playing basketball, and those players were on the bench. I entertained myself by alternately watching various other athletic events (hockey, soccer chief among them) and trying to fight off a headache induced by sitting in front of seventy televisions. Also, the jokes about being able to bet on anything in Vegas are true. I think I saw spreads on cricket matches.

After the Illini got done sucking slightly more than the Wolverines, Tom, Newman, Marty (up and about by 3pm, just before the over/under line), and Ross went to meet Tom's brothers for indoor skydiving. While intrigued by the concept, I did not have a desire to spend the money on it nor to wait in line for the opportunity to lay on a fan. I took the opportunity for the afternoon lull to go catch a nap in the hotel room.

I awoke when they returned from their medium-flying adventure. It sounded amusing, particularly the part about Tom's brother Mark being too large to partake. He said he would try the following day anyway. Those of us who were hungry ventured to the other end of the strip to take advantage of a nice price on steak at Bill's Casino. If you have never heard of Bill's Casino, congratulations, you are not a compulsive gambler. It is a dive. But they had steak for $17 so we were there. The steaks were surprisingly decent, including Marty's steak on bread aka the steak sandwich. It was literally steak on bread.

After dinner, some of the boys who had never seen Vegas before wanted to tour the big casino's to take in the views. Honestly, casino floors all look the same, but if you are in Vegas you might as well check out some of the cooler casinos anyway. We took in Caesar's which end to end measures half the state of Nevada. Afterwards we gambled a bit at Bill's, which was a ripoff since I lost quickly and they bring you glasses of beer (about 8 oz.) instead of a bottle. Unsatisfied as one could be without being my girlfriend, we headed back to familiar grounds.

Marty and I had been itching to get to the poker tables for some time. I remembered the last time in Vegas the poker tables were the only place I made money. It is a bit more satisfying not losing all your money to the house regardless of luck so I recommend this game. We went to the Tropicana to find seats available on $1/$2 no limit tables. This was ideal for the cheap gambler ready to pounce on the meager pots. We saddled up to the table just shy of midnight, ready to mow down some yokels and tourists, Marty playing Butch Cassidy and yours truly playing Sundance.

A quick treatment of the poker players in Vegas: there are a lot of stupid people playing poker in Vegas. Everyone watches the World Series of Boredom on TV and reads a book then heads to the tables with their system. They practice their poker face and learn the odds of everything. The problems with this are myriad. First, you are at the $1/$2 no limit table in the Tropicana. You aren't fooling anyone into thinking you are a gamer. Second, it is pointless to bet according to a system when the dollar values don't mean anything. Three times the big blind is only $6, the numerical value is more important. When I bet against your $6 with $15, I'm not betting 7.5 times the big blind, I'm betting $15. Thanks for folding, by the way. Last, everyone there is pretty easy to read when they bet according to systems or check bet into everything and slow play all their hands (p.s. it just means you don't have a hand killer enough to steal the pot).

If you couldn't tell we did pretty well at the table. It took me a while to make sure I realized exactly how easy the table was which cost me a few pots early on. Eventually I found a groove and started betting people out of pots. I was up $80 before playing one or two stupid hands cost me and finished the night down only $11. I deferred at least one $40 pot to Marty (which I would have won). Marty finished out up $82, having taken most of his winnings from two suckers, one of whom kept coming back for more. It was a good night for him since he had spent most of his vacation to that point losing but being wasted, which he can blame for playing one very stupid hand that cost him $125. We were the only ones at the table drinking and I had at least seven beers.

We turned in around 6:30 in the morning. The best story actually comes from the table next to us. Around 3am a guy from the adjacent table (only two going at this hour) left (presumably only for a break) while up $500. He disappeared for two hours. Everyone wondered where he went during this time until he showed up two hours later to retrieve his coat. He claimed he forgot that he had $500 at the table and was up $3700 in blackjack. At first I didn't believe it but eventually it became apparent that he was a player. He sat down with the intention of losing his money and getting back to blackjack, including by offering anyone to go head to head with him for $500 on a coin toss (no takers). Everyone at the table started salivating and lost focus on anything other than this guys stack that he apparently intended to disperse to the crowd. Rufus, the only other decent player at our table, was aching to move tables but couldn't because theirs was full and ours was short. Eventually, this man went all in against two people after the flop for a pot of nigh $1200. Both other gentlemen had top pair and a flush draw but Playboy McPlaysalot had trips, and then flops the fourth on the river. The other two gentlemen were beside themselves after getting over their shock. Let that be a lesson, don't try to play a player and when someone is on a hot streak get out of the way.

After Marty and I returned to our room to find Zach very much in the middle of a coma (in retrospect we should have checked if he was alive) we settled in for bed. Marty set his alarm to go watch Mark skydive and we turned in on another good night in Sin City.

Las Vegas Part 1: The Journey to Gomorrah and Wings v Breasts

2008-02-28T11:04:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a while and I recently took a vacation that possibly no one else will blog about so I will go into it in detail to make it up to my fanbase.

Since Tom and Jay are such close friends they decided to do a joint bachelor party in Vegas this past weekend. Bachelor parties have always been hit or miss for me. Sometimes they are an enjoyable way to spend a night hanging out with friends, other times guys use them as excuses to act deplorable and stupid. In conclusion, Las Vegas is a land of contrasts.

My flight was scheduled to leave Chicago Friday evening around 8pm. Cass was loving enough to drive me to the airport and wish me luck. It was a nice sendoff. Unfortunately we overplanned and got me to Midway just after 6pm. I got through security in about fifteen minutes so I would have a good wait for my flight. Since Cass was also loving enough to buy me and iPod for my birthday I wouldn't have to spend that time watching local news and Wheel of Fortune, which was fortunate news for me.

The flight took off close enough to on time that I didn't notice the slight delay and we were in Vegas reasonably quickly. I had hoped to sleep on the plane but couldn't quite get myself to doze off so unfortunately I wasn't as rested as I had hoped for a full night my first night in. I got off my plane and was at the gate to meet Jay, Tom, Ross, Uriah, and Phil by 10:30 pm. Zach and I met up there just before the boys got off the plane and we snagged Newman on our way out of the airport while Jay, Uriah, and Phil got their bags. Since I'm on the subject I just brought up, who checks bags nowadays? This is silly. The size of bag they let you carry on now is ridiculous and they let you take two of them. I know you can't bring certain things but just get new shampoo or use the hotel shampoo for your one shower of the weekend.

We got to our hotel in a limo somewhat accidentally. We just bumped into some guy who offered us a ride there for ten bucks each and we agreed before realizing he was a limo driver. All in all, not a bad experience. The doorman at our hotel seemed cordial and eager to help, a concept I will get to in a second. We checked in with only the slight snag of the hotel being confused as to which Tom rented the room and were ready to roll by midnight.

When you get to Vegas, should you ever go, you will notice everyone is ready to help you out. They will give you their card and say anything you need you call me, be it a ride, a pass to a club, whatever. These people are doing this to make money. You are expected to tip everyone and chances are they make a percentage on everything. Do not feel obligated to trust any one person and don't believe someone who tells you they will get something done for free. They aren't doing it to be nice. This is lesson number one for Vegas. Lesson number two is don't trust the guy with two fingers.

By the time we hit the floor, Marty and Tom's brothers were already drunk and in the hole. Several of us were very hungry after long flights. The marquee at the Hooter's Casino advertised 25 cent wings between midnight and 6 am. Since it was past midnight, we made our way there to take advantage of this fantastic offer. We made it there and Tom's brothers sat at the bar while we waited for our table. While waiting we took advantage of the time by playing some tables and drinking. I ended up losing a little bit of money ($20 or so) in the two centuries it took for our table to be ready. I don't know what was going on as there were plenty of empty seats when we were finally seated. Regardless, the wings were large and excellent; nigh 200 were consumed. It was actually Dan Marino's restaurant inside the Hooter's Casino for those interested. Also for those interested, avoid the Hooter's Casino. It's a small casino with little going for it. The girls there are less attractive than those at your local Hooter's since attractive girls in Vegas have plenty of places to work and revealing outfits are the norm for cocktail waitresses anyway.

After getting our much needed replensihment in the form of dead baby chickens, we returned to the Tropicana to finish out the night. Some of our group decided to venture to other casinos however Tom, Marty and I played out the night on the blackjack table. I finished up down about $100 but had a good time catching up and getting wasted on free booze. I turned in around 6:00 followed a half hour later by everyone else. I hated to turn in early but tomorrow was a big day.

Yoda v Splinter

2008-01-31T08:41:00.000-06:00

Two great masters. Only one can be considered the dominant sensei.

Yoda

Vital Statistics:

Ht: Waist or so

Age: Damn old

Impairment: Possibly dyslexia

Skin: Green

Home: Swamp

Awesome Association: Frank Oz

Best Merchandise: Flamethrower

Fighting Style: Jedi

Pretty cool fighting style. I don't think anyone our age has never picked up a flashlight and done the lightsaber sounds.

Physical Training: Baby Harness Running

I can't imagine a more humiliating thing for a master to make you do than run him around his yard.

Mental Training: Kill Yourself

Mostly this deals with confronting Luke's fear of Darth Vader, which apparently requires him to fantasize about finding out Vader is him.

Special Power Training: Picking Up Gorram Spaceships with Your Mind

That's pretty awesome.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Incest

Why did he wait so long to let Luke know Leia was his sister? Seems cruel. He doesn't provide much other real world advice, probably because he lived in a swamp for a long time. Also, he put two sexually active and attractive youngsters alone for a significant time and then was disappointed that they chose to become involved with each other (bangin'). Nice Jedi foresight there.

Splinter

Vital Statistics

Odor: Significant

Likes: Cheese

Complexion: Furry

Home: Sewer

Awesome Association: Mako

Best Merchandise: Pizza Flippin' Scuba Gear Birthday Party Splinter Action Figure

Fighting Style: Ninjitsu

If I have to explain to you my feelings on ninjas we've obviously never met.

Physical Training: Cheerleader/Tony Hawk

Doing backflips and skateboarding are not training for physical combat. Either of these guys ever hear of sparring?

Mental Training: Meditation

Sitting around thinking all day is great. That's how wars against street crime are won.

Special Power Training: Ninja Vanish

By the time you have read this sentence Leonardo could have killed you 47 times and you would just now realize it.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Fortune Cookie

Advice like "The true mastery of ninja does not come from the controlling your body, but controlling your mind" barely makes sense even with "in bed" behind it. He doesn't seem to impart a lot of real world knowledge but then again he is a rat who spent a good portion of his life in a sewer. He isn't going to be able to tell you how to deal with being dumped.

Winner: In a fight, Yoda wins without question despite the fact that he has zero victories to my knowledge (I have not seen Revenge of the Sith). Splinter chucked Shredder off a rooftop. However, ninja quickness and knunchuku proficiency only go so far before a blade made of a magic laser slices you in half. But the issue here is who is the better master? Splinter takes the edge in this one because 1) Ninja training seems more fun, 2) He seems a little more able to converse about things other than training, 3) His combat training is slightly more practical, 4) You wouldn't have to deal with that moronic backwards speak, and 5) He isn't dead.

Other random stuff:

-I had an idea for a post but then promptly threw it out. It concerned the sociological and philosophical causes for the behavior of athletes. I realized virtually no one who reads my blog would be interested. Regardless, it was prompted by this set of articles in the Seattle Times about the 2000 Washington Huskies. It is a fascinating read if you care to give more than a courtesy click on the link.

-There is someone nerdier than me.

-I think I need to start watching my sodium (for Colyn: SODYUM) intake. I have been really dry lately even though I drink a ton of water over the course of a day. I think it may be that there is way too much salt in my diet. A lot of this is from pasta, which I eat a nonmetric ton of weekly. If anyone has suggestions for foods for this purpose I would love to hear them.

Let's make tonight a classic.

2008-01-24T09:43:00.001-06:00

I would have blogged earlier but I wanted to have a picture of Gina Carano at the top of my blog for as long as possible. In a related story I am also interested in seeing how upset I can make Cass.

Hillary had her baby. Congrats to her and Eric on a healthy baby girl.

I've been working out and running hard the past two weeks. The gym is crowded lately so I can't wait until February when exams pick up and resolutions are forgotten. I don't want to work out in an empty building but I hate running through crowds on the track. I guess I just want it to be warm so I can choose to run outside should I desire. Nature seems healthy.

My parents are coming into town tonight and heading to D.C. tomorrow. They are leaving Agamuffin with Cass for a couple weeks. She will have two little miscreant mutts to worry about for a while. Pity her not for she doth find joy amongst the creatures of the world.

Hope to catch up with some folks this weekend.

Top Ten movies from this past year that I missed and have a desire to see:

1 The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2 Juno
3 Walk Hard
4 The Mist
5 Atonement
6 There Will Be Blood
7 Dan in Real Life
8 28 Weeks Later
9 Gone Baby Gone
10 American Gangster