Las Vegas Part 3: Insomnia, Intoxication, Income, and In Transit

This post is long because it encompasses everything I did on my last days in Vegas. I'd apologize for the length but this is an epic and it's f*ck*ng awesome.

What are the two things I will do on every vacation I take? Sleep and drink. I don't have an addictive personality and do not consider myself an alcoholic, however I will sleep in every chance I get.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I was awoken on the Sunday morning to a clearly startled Marty frantically getting his things into his bag. It takes me a while to get my bearings (as it does every mornings when I zombie walk to the pantry for the cereal and usually trip over something) so I didn't really understand what was going on. Marty had intended to wake up to go join Tom, Ross, Newman, and Matt to go watch Mark try to indoor skydive. He had set his alarm for this purpose but I slept through that. I inquired why he was in a rush and if he intended on joining Tom to spectate a large man flopping around in an attempt to float in the air. Marty informed me that he in fact had misread his departure time for his flight (he believed to be 5pm Vegas time, that was in fact the time his connecting flight left for London from some sh*th*l* in Ohio) and only had an hour to get to the airport. I paused briefly to laugh and wish him luck before rolling back over.

As I laid there contemplating my weekend thus far and thinking about Cass (don't think I'm getting too gushy, I made up for this later) I heard Marty leave and the room became that eerie sort of quiet dark that only happens in hotel rooms. I laid there for some time pausing to shift uncomfortably and check the time. I noticed Zach was still out and possibly dead. I noticed I had only gotten three and a half hours of sleep thus far. I noticed a distinct lack of anything interesting happening. I also noticed a distinct lack of my ability to fall asleep. I don't know why this was; I should have been unconscious the second I rolled back over and I closed my eyes (this is my SOP) but I wasn't. I laid in this aggravating state for forty minutes before I decided it was enough and I arose and took a shower, but not before flipping off the bed and thinking it was funny thing to do.

After my shower I realized it was still a little early for me to get ahold of people, with the exception of those already at the indoor skydiving place but that was across town. Everyone else was still asleep. I left voicemails for people telling them to get ahold of me as soon as they were around. I then ate some popcorn and cleaned up my bag. Cass had bought me some Garrett's popcorn for my trip. This had spilled partially into my backpack (thankfully it wasn't in my clothing bag). I ate the few handfuls in the bottom of the bag and threw away the crumbs. My book and travel kit required some light dusting but otherwise everything was intact. Now that I had successfully killed fifteen minutes by doing chores, I realized I needed to find something to do.

I decided my best bet was to go watch some sports at a sportsbook. It seemed as good an option as any since it was something I could do while rested without losing money. I headed to the MGM since I was familiar with it and plopped myself down in a chair. I watched some sports for a good hour at least before I finally got a call from someone.

Jay and Tom called me about the same time so we decided to rally the troops together to get breakfast/lunch. It was about 45 minutes before we could all gather since people needed showers and to get back from the skydiving place. Once we were all together, we made the decision to head to the Orleans to hit that buffet. Jay and I had visited Vegas about four years prior with our buddy Denny. Denny had a friend Scott who lived in Vegas and at the time was a dealer at the Orleans. Scott put us up in his apartment and showed us around. We spent most of our time gambling at the Orleans since it was Scott's home turf and it is a pretty fun casino despite it being about two to three miles from the strip. The buffet there was good then so we were hoping it would be still good and cheap.

I was starving by this point since it had been about eighteen hours since my last meal and I had only gotten 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Jay makes the genius decision of walking to the Orleans. We knew it was off the strip I just couldn't remember how far, probably because last time I was in Vegas we either drove or drunk stumbled everywhere. A good hour walk later we finally arrived. In Jay's defense it was nice to be walking outside in good weather compared to the Midwest in February. In Jay's offense he is a bastard.

We went to the buffet and it was as good as we remember and only sixteen bucks. Zach had awoken by this time and cabbed it over to join us for lunch. I was starving but managed to eat reasonably healthy (for a buffet anyway) by getting a fruit plate and plenty of veggies in my make-it-myself burritos. Jay had a plate of fried food and ribs. The juxtaposition of those two sentences should have hit you by now.

After eating some of the boys wanted to stick around and spend some time on the casino floor. We decided this was worthy because free drinks and gambling with friends always sounds like a good time but also George Carlin had a show that night at the Orleans so we could stick around and possibly go see him. Initially Ross, Tom, Newman and I checked to see if a good movie was playing to pass the time (no In Bruges unfortunately) but were unable to find anything worthwhile. So alcohol, gambling and cocktail waitresses it was.

One of the reasons I wanted to take the boys to the Orleans was because I had described to them the ridiculousness of the uniforms that the Orleans casino cocktail waitresses wear. I hoped they hadn't changed. They fortunately hadn't. Basically the outfit looks like management told the girls to dress up in lingerie for their boyfriends and then come in to work. You can see more than 70% of the ass in these through the sheer nylons (I did measure using my trusty calipers). This has two fortunate effects: 1) it is awesome getting drinks, and 2) the girls at the Orleans tend to be very attractive. At other casinos with more modest uniforms there tend to be older waitresses with less polish. At the Orleans it takes a degree of confidence and tone to be able to wear that uniform around so the ones that do it are the ones that look good. In conclusion, the Orleans is a nice place to bring your family.

After a little bit of craps ($40 lost for me) and a few drinks we sidled up as a group to the Paigow tables. Paigow poker is a type of poker in which you make two hands. The house has to beat both or you have to beat both of the house's hands or else it is a push. Basically you can play Paigow for a long time and drink for free. We played for a while with us constituting one and a half tables so it was a lot of fun joking with friends, drinking, and not losing that much money. At some point we decided to give each other Vegas names, that is fake names we can use when we are going to get into trouble or just for fun. Mine was Clint. Taking the cake, by far, was Ross who chose NewMexico Explosion as his name. There are pornstars who would be too embarrassed to use that name. We all became very intoxicated by this point, especially Ross. Our dealers changed and an attractive Asian girl with dyed blond hair sits down. Ross, obviously drunk and obviously hitting on her, says "Wow, you're the first non-Asian I've had dealing this game." She, along with the rest of us just stare at him for a moment. She then rejoins "I'm from Thailand." We gave her the name Sylvia Goldenrod.

More drinks and gambling abounded for the next several hours. We were having a great time and missed seeing George Carlin but none of us were too concerned. We then decided to head back to the strip, but not before grabbing dinner (it was about 8pm) at In-and-Out Burger. This choice proved costly later. While there Ross was drunk and beligerent enough to loudly insist that Sylvia Goldenrod was not Asian. We then cabbed it back to our hotel to regroup.

I don't remember the next three hours.

We then ended up at the Luxor. Along the way we had lost Tom, Newman, and Phil due to stomach problems that they attributed to In-and-Out Burger but don't believe their lies (In-and-Out Burger is awesome). This left myself, Jay, Ross, Uriah, and Zach to continue partying. I had been dying to hit the poker tables again with renewed confidence so I headed there immediately despite no one wanting to join me. Luckily there were two full tables ($1/$2 no limit) going strong.

I already told you about Vegas poker players (they suck) and their strategies (they suck). I won't go into it again or bore you with details of individual pots won or how awesome I am since you already know that if you have been reading this for this long. I will be succinct and say this: there was no getting accustomed to the table/players period, I just started pwning the table immediately and identified my marks (including a guy with a long neckbeard, too funny). At about 4:30am I walked away from the table up $275 which immediately went up my nose. Not really but that seemed like an awesome way to end that sentence.

Again, I kept drinking while playing poker despite being the only one at the table doing so. I was really drunk as I walked over to New York New York to meet up with the rest of the boys. I was still jacked from my poker winnings, which basically put me at even for the weekend so I wasn't feeling tired at all. When I got there, the boys were relaxing by the slots chatting with Amy, a cool cocktail waitress Jay had met two nights earlier. She was really fun and nice and wanted to go out drinking with us when her shift ended. Her shift ended at 8am. That would mean staying up for a while and basically mean that I would not be getting any sleep before going to the airport. I debated the options for about twelve seconds before being told to man up by Jay. I called his bluff and ordered a round of Jaegermeister shots. "Who's manning up now, biatch?" is what I tacitly exclaimed.

I stayed up with them, doing a small amount of gambling (slots) but mostly just drinking and hanging out. It seemed to take forever for Amy to get done with work, especially when she disappeared for an hour around 6:30 am for her break. (Why would one get a break that shortly before leaving? Are business practices in casinos really this bizarre? They make enough money to give away booze yet have lacking personnel policies.) Regardless, we headed over to the MGM bar for a drink. Zach (who shared the room with Marty and I if you remember) had to leave shortly for his flight, which was scheduled to leave shortly after 11am. It was now nearing 10am. As I stood there I realized since my flight left shortly before 2pm and checkout time was 11am anyway I might as well checkout with Zach and head to the airport with him. We said our goodbyes (unfortunately missing Tom, Newman, and Phil) and rushed over to the airport.

We both printed our tickets and made our way to the security check. We were greeted with a line that stretched from one end of the terminal to the other despite winding aisles at the actual security stations. It actually took us a full ten minutes of walking to reach the end of the line. It looked like some bizarre exodus of glitzy refugees that all shop at Old Navy. Regardless, we waited the requisite time in line and made it through no problem.

We grabbed a bite to eat at an overpriced sandwich shop, a practice that should be illegal. Raising prices beyond the security gate is one of the more bastardly moves made at the airport, which is saying something. Zach had made it in time for his flight but it was delayed due to weather in Chicago. We waited on the seats together since our gates were within spitting distance. I tried to listen to music and sleep but could not as the designer who ideated airport chairs was a sadist. Despite the blizzard in Chicago my flight left on time, before Zach's in fact. Southwest will fly through anything. I did manage to sleep on the flight and awoke as we descended. I was greeted at the airport by a happy Cass and Charlie.

The trip overall was a blast and those that missed out missed out big time. I enjoyed myself although I can't say that I would recommend Vegas for everyone. I learned that my friends at home are better at poker than everyone else in Vegas and that sometimes it is worth flying across the country just to drink and party with friends.

Las Vegas Part 2: Crappy Sports, Cow Parts and Cowboys

The next day began for me shortly before noon. I awoke and stumbled to the bathroom to shower myself awake. While giving myself a good once over and was in the middle of giving myself another over when I heard Zach stumble into the room. Zach had promised to stay up all night and he certainly lived up to his word. Although I wasn't completely certain, through the mists of the hotel shower it sounded as though Zach was having a disagreement with Marty over Marty's perceived need to sleep. It should be noted that prior to going to bed at around seven in the morning Marty had been up for a good 30 hours. Zach was undeterred and insisted that Marty was only tired to mess with him. Eventually Marty convinced him otherwise and Zach eventually went down to a different room presumably to have the same argument with a more interested party.

I went down to the lobby to join Tom, Newman, and Ross in their quest to find a place to eat and watch the Illini "game." The ESPNZone is located inside New York New York Casino, just across the way from our hotel. We decided to head over there to check if it was playing. It was not. The WWL deems you not worthy, Illini. Also, there was a line. We headed back to our hotel to take in the buffet for breakfast/lunch and catch the end of the game afterward.

Saying that the buffet at the Tropicana is unimpressive would be accurate. Saying it is the worst meal I ate in a weekend that included dinner at In and Out Burger would also be accurate. Saying I would rather eat the betting chips from the Tropicana Casino makes me wonder what betting chips taste like (plastic, probably). It isn't entirely accurate but that aside, the buffet at the Tropicana is terrible. We did recount our nights to each other at the table and it was there that I found out that Phil had haggled with a prostitute on the Las Vegas strip. It went something like this:

Hoochie: Hey baby, you have nice hair. (lying)
Phil: Thank you.
Hoochie: I'll make all your dreams come true for $300.
Phil: $300? I have $50.
Hoochie: I'm worth more than $50, honey (lying).
Phil: /laughs and walks away

Our meal at Satan's buffet line got over soon enough that the Illini "game" was not completed and so we hurried over to the MGM sportsbook to catch most of the second half. I went with despite my only marginal interest in the game itself. Let me just say that the Illini and Wolverines played as if only three members of each team knew that they were supposed to be playing basketball, and those players were on the bench. I entertained myself by alternately watching various other athletic events (hockey, soccer chief among them) and trying to fight off a headache induced by sitting in front of seventy televisions. Also, the jokes about being able to bet on anything in Vegas are true. I think I saw spreads on cricket matches.

After the Illini got done sucking slightly more than the Wolverines, Tom, Newman, Marty (up and about by 3pm, just before the over/under line), and Ross went to meet Tom's brothers for indoor skydiving. While intrigued by the concept, I did not have a desire to spend the money on it nor to wait in line for the opportunity to lay on a fan. I took the opportunity for the afternoon lull to go catch a nap in the hotel room.

I awoke when they returned from their medium-flying adventure. It sounded amusing, particularly the part about Tom's brother Mark being too large to partake. He said he would try the following day anyway. Those of us who were hungry ventured to the other end of the strip to take advantage of a nice price on steak at Bill's Casino. If you have never heard of Bill's Casino, congratulations, you are not a compulsive gambler. It is a dive. But they had steak for $17 so we were there. The steaks were surprisingly decent, including Marty's steak on bread aka the steak sandwich. It was literally steak on bread.

After dinner, some of the boys who had never seen Vegas before wanted to tour the big casino's to take in the views. Honestly, casino floors all look the same, but if you are in Vegas you might as well check out some of the cooler casinos anyway. We took in Caesar's which end to end measures half the state of Nevada. Afterwards we gambled a bit at Bill's, which was a ripoff since I lost quickly and they bring you glasses of beer (about 8 oz.) instead of a bottle. Unsatisfied as one could be without being my girlfriend, we headed back to familiar grounds.

Marty and I had been itching to get to the poker tables for some time. I remembered the last time in Vegas the poker tables were the only place I made money. It is a bit more satisfying not losing all your money to the house regardless of luck so I recommend this game. We went to the Tropicana to find seats available on $1/$2 no limit tables. This was ideal for the cheap gambler ready to pounce on the meager pots. We saddled up to the table just shy of midnight, ready to mow down some yokels and tourists, Marty playing Butch Cassidy and yours truly playing Sundance.

A quick treatment of the poker players in Vegas: there are a lot of stupid people playing poker in Vegas. Everyone watches the World Series of Boredom on TV and reads a book then heads to the tables with their system. They practice their poker face and learn the odds of everything. The problems with this are myriad. First, you are at the $1/$2 no limit table in the Tropicana. You aren't fooling anyone into thinking you are a gamer. Second, it is pointless to bet according to a system when the dollar values don't mean anything. Three times the big blind is only $6, the numerical value is more important. When I bet against your $6 with $15, I'm not betting 7.5 times the big blind, I'm betting $15. Thanks for folding, by the way. Last, everyone there is pretty easy to read when they bet according to systems or check bet into everything and slow play all their hands (p.s. it just means you don't have a hand killer enough to steal the pot).

If you couldn't tell we did pretty well at the table. It took me a while to make sure I realized exactly how easy the table was which cost me a few pots early on. Eventually I found a groove and started betting people out of pots. I was up $80 before playing one or two stupid hands cost me and finished the night down only $11. I deferred at least one $40 pot to Marty (which I would have won). Marty finished out up $82, having taken most of his winnings from two suckers, one of whom kept coming back for more. It was a good night for him since he had spent most of his vacation to that point losing but being wasted, which he can blame for playing one very stupid hand that cost him $125. We were the only ones at the table drinking and I had at least seven beers.

We turned in around 6:30 in the morning. The best story actually comes from the table next to us. Around 3am a guy from the adjacent table (only two going at this hour) left (presumably only for a break) while up $500. He disappeared for two hours. Everyone wondered where he went during this time until he showed up two hours later to retrieve his coat. He claimed he forgot that he had $500 at the table and was up $3700 in blackjack. At first I didn't believe it but eventually it became apparent that he was a player. He sat down with the intention of losing his money and getting back to blackjack, including by offering anyone to go head to head with him for $500 on a coin toss (no takers). Everyone at the table started salivating and lost focus on anything other than this guys stack that he apparently intended to disperse to the crowd. Rufus, the only other decent player at our table, was aching to move tables but couldn't because theirs was full and ours was short. Eventually, this man went all in against two people after the flop for a pot of nigh $1200. Both other gentlemen had top pair and a flush draw but Playboy McPlaysalot had trips, and then flops the fourth on the river. The other two gentlemen were beside themselves after getting over their shock. Let that be a lesson, don't try to play a player and when someone is on a hot streak get out of the way.

After Marty and I returned to our room to find Zach very much in the middle of a coma (in retrospect we should have checked if he was alive) we settled in for bed. Marty set his alarm to go watch Mark skydive and we turned in on another good night in Sin City.

Las Vegas Part 1: The Journey to Gomorrah and Wings v Breasts

I haven't posted in a while and I recently took a vacation that possibly no one else will blog about so I will go into it in detail to make it up to my fanbase.

Since Tom and Jay are such close friends they decided to do a joint bachelor party in Vegas this past weekend. Bachelor parties have always been hit or miss for me. Sometimes they are an enjoyable way to spend a night hanging out with friends, other times guys use them as excuses to act deplorable and stupid. In conclusion, Las Vegas is a land of contrasts.

My flight was scheduled to leave Chicago Friday evening around 8pm. Cass was loving enough to drive me to the airport and wish me luck. It was a nice sendoff. Unfortunately we overplanned and got me to Midway just after 6pm. I got through security in about fifteen minutes so I would have a good wait for my flight. Since Cass was also loving enough to buy me and iPod for my birthday I wouldn't have to spend that time watching local news and Wheel of Fortune, which was fortunate news for me.

The flight took off close enough to on time that I didn't notice the slight delay and we were in Vegas reasonably quickly. I had hoped to sleep on the plane but couldn't quite get myself to doze off so unfortunately I wasn't as rested as I had hoped for a full night my first night in. I got off my plane and was at the gate to meet Jay, Tom, Ross, Uriah, and Phil by 10:30 pm. Zach and I met up there just before the boys got off the plane and we snagged Newman on our way out of the airport while Jay, Uriah, and Phil got their bags. Since I'm on the subject I just brought up, who checks bags nowadays? This is silly. The size of bag they let you carry on now is ridiculous and they let you take two of them. I know you can't bring certain things but just get new shampoo or use the hotel shampoo for your one shower of the weekend.

We got to our hotel in a limo somewhat accidentally. We just bumped into some guy who offered us a ride there for ten bucks each and we agreed before realizing he was a limo driver. All in all, not a bad experience. The doorman at our hotel seemed cordial and eager to help, a concept I will get to in a second. We checked in with only the slight snag of the hotel being confused as to which Tom rented the room and were ready to roll by midnight.

When you get to Vegas, should you ever go, you will notice everyone is ready to help you out. They will give you their card and say anything you need you call me, be it a ride, a pass to a club, whatever. These people are doing this to make money. You are expected to tip everyone and chances are they make a percentage on everything. Do not feel obligated to trust any one person and don't believe someone who tells you they will get something done for free. They aren't doing it to be nice. This is lesson number one for Vegas. Lesson number two is don't trust the guy with two fingers.

By the time we hit the floor, Marty and Tom's brothers were already drunk and in the hole. Several of us were very hungry after long flights. The marquee at the Hooter's Casino advertised 25 cent wings between midnight and 6 am. Since it was past midnight, we made our way there to take advantage of this fantastic offer. We made it there and Tom's brothers sat at the bar while we waited for our table. While waiting we took advantage of the time by playing some tables and drinking. I ended up losing a little bit of money ($20 or so) in the two centuries it took for our table to be ready. I don't know what was going on as there were plenty of empty seats when we were finally seated. Regardless, the wings were large and excellent; nigh 200 were consumed. It was actually Dan Marino's restaurant inside the Hooter's Casino for those interested. Also for those interested, avoid the Hooter's Casino. It's a small casino with little going for it. The girls there are less attractive than those at your local Hooter's since attractive girls in Vegas have plenty of places to work and revealing outfits are the norm for cocktail waitresses anyway.

After getting our much needed replensihment in the form of dead baby chickens, we returned to the Tropicana to finish out the night. Some of our group decided to venture to other casinos however Tom, Marty and I played out the night on the blackjack table. I finished up down about $100 but had a good time catching up and getting wasted on free booze. I turned in around 6:00 followed a half hour later by everyone else. I hated to turn in early but tomorrow was a big day.

Yoda v Splinter

Two great masters. Only one can be considered the dominant sensei.

Yoda

Vital Statistics:

Ht: Waist or so

Age: Damn old

Impairment: Possibly dyslexia

Skin: Green

Home: Swamp

Awesome Association: Frank Oz

Best Merchandise: Flamethrower

Fighting Style: Jedi

Pretty cool fighting style. I don't think anyone our age has never picked up a flashlight and done the lightsaber sounds.

Physical Training: Baby Harness Running

I can't imagine a more humiliating thing for a master to make you do than run him around his yard.

Mental Training: Kill Yourself

Mostly this deals with confronting Luke's fear of Darth Vader, which apparently requires him to fantasize about finding out Vader is him.

Special Power Training: Picking Up Gorram Spaceships with Your Mind

That's pretty awesome.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Incest

Why did he wait so long to let Luke know Leia was his sister? Seems cruel. He doesn't provide much other real world advice, probably because he lived in a swamp for a long time. Also, he put two sexually active and attractive youngsters alone for a significant time and then was disappointed that they chose to become involved with each other (bangin'). Nice Jedi foresight there.

Splinter

Vital Statistics

Odor: Significant

Likes: Cheese

Complexion: Furry

Home: Sewer

Awesome Association: Mako

Best Merchandise: Pizza Flippin' Scuba Gear Birthday Party Splinter Action Figure

Fighting Style: Ninjitsu

If I have to explain to you my feelings on ninjas we've obviously never met.

Physical Training: Cheerleader/Tony Hawk

Doing backflips and skateboarding are not training for physical combat. Either of these guys ever hear of sparring?

Mental Training: Meditation

Sitting around thinking all day is great. That's how wars against street crime are won.

Special Power Training: Ninja Vanish

By the time you have read this sentence Leonardo could have killed you 47 times and you would just now realize it.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Fortune Cookie

Advice like "The true mastery of ninja does not come from the controlling your body, but controlling your mind" barely makes sense even with "in bed" behind it. He doesn't seem to impart a lot of real world knowledge but then again he is a rat who spent a good portion of his life in a sewer. He isn't going to be able to tell you how to deal with being dumped.

Winner: In a fight, Yoda wins without question despite the fact that he has zero victories to my knowledge (I have not seen Revenge of the Sith). Splinter chucked Shredder off a rooftop. However, ninja quickness and knunchuku proficiency only go so far before a blade made of a magic laser slices you in half. But the issue here is who is the better master? Splinter takes the edge in this one because 1) Ninja training seems more fun, 2) He seems a little more able to converse about things other than training, 3) His combat training is slightly more practical, 4) You wouldn't have to deal with that moronic backwards speak, and 5) He isn't dead.

Other random stuff:

-I had an idea for a post but then promptly threw it out. It concerned the sociological and philosophical causes for the behavior of athletes. I realized virtually no one who reads my blog would be interested. Regardless, it was prompted by this set of articles in the Seattle Times about the 2000 Washington Huskies. It is a fascinating read if you care to give more than a courtesy click on the link.

-There is someone nerdier than me.

-I think I need to start watching my sodium (for Colyn: SODYUM) intake. I have been really dry lately even though I drink a ton of water over the course of a day. I think it may be that there is way too much salt in my diet. A lot of this is from pasta, which I eat a nonmetric ton of weekly. If anyone has suggestions for foods for this purpose I would love to hear them.

Let's make tonight a classic.

I would have blogged earlier but I wanted to have a picture of Gina Carano at the top of my blog for as long as possible. In a related story I am also interested in seeing how upset I can make Cass.

Hillary had her baby. Congrats to her and Eric on a healthy baby girl.

I've been working out and running hard the past two weeks. The gym is crowded lately so I can't wait until February when exams pick up and resolutions are forgotten. I don't want to work out in an empty building but I hate running through crowds on the track. I guess I just want it to be warm so I can choose to run outside should I desire. Nature seems healthy.

My parents are coming into town tonight and heading to D.C. tomorrow. They are leaving Agamuffin with Cass for a couple weeks. She will have two little miscreant mutts to worry about for a while. Pity her not for she doth find joy amongst the creatures of the world.

Hope to catch up with some folks this weekend.

Top Ten movies from this past year that I missed and have a desire to see:

1 The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2 Juno
3 Walk Hard
4 The Mist
5 Atonement
6 There Will Be Blood
7 Dan in Real Life
8 28 Weeks Later
9 Gone Baby Gone
10 American Gangster

Ranking the Gladiators (continued).

Now it's the ladies' turn.

WOMEN

CRUSH
Comparison: Elektra

Attractiveness: 1
The universal hottie for hotness, she is far and away the most attractive Gladiator. Sonia ranks her as most desirable and stated her willingness to make love to her. Men, feel free to 'bate to that and get back to this in a few.

Effectiveness: 1
She was decent enough the first night but the second night she clubbed the hell out of two girls in the joust. We are waiting for her to drop the stick and just start throwing punches.

Gimmick/Name: 1
Her name is passably decent, but her outfit makes her that much better. She is dressed conservatively (for a Gladiator), and that with her bedroom eyes make her that much more alluring. Did I mention that I want to sleep with her?

Average: 1

FURY
Comparison: Storm

Attractiveness: 6
Guh. Your new Gladiator name is "The Grenade."

Effectiveness: 5
She did alright in Earthquake, but her showboating in Hang Tough got her dumped in the water. We don't tolerate that kind of hotdogging or grand standing in American Gladiators. This is serious business.

Gimmick/Name: 6
Her outfit and hair are the worst of any of the girls. Her name isn't overly offensive but when she poses it looks like the mating ritual of an orangutan.

Average: 5.67

HELLGA
Comparison: Gold

Attractiveness: 4
That's probably too high of a ranking. If you want to have sex with it be my guest.

Effectiveness: 6
She's been all hype and when she moves she waddles like a fat gym teacher.

Gimmick/Name: 3
I have to admit that it took serious balls to include a pun in her name. Also, she's Hellga because she looks Scandinavian but she's apparently from Texas, and that makes me laugh.

Average: 4.33

SIREN
Comparison: Siren

Attractiveness: 2
She's attractive in a she would be cute if she weren't so buff kind of way, so congratulations to her on being a somewhat attractive and somewhat frightening woman.

Effectiveness: 3
She's been decent in everything. No complaints. Also, no jokes.

Gimmick/Name: 4
Two qualifications to be named Siren: 1)Be deaf or 2)Scream constantly. The fact that she didn't do this was a severe disappointment to me as a fan of annoying things.

Average: 3

STEALTH
Comparison: Blaze

Attractiveness: 5
I never wanted to have sex with Morris Chestnut in a wig but if you did then this is the girl for you, Captain Gayest-Man-Alive.

Effectiveness: 4
I don't remember her doing anything specific. Perhaps her name is the most appropriate of them all?

Gimmick/Name: 5
Stealth? Is your goal to go unnoticed? Sorry, you don't get points for being cunning, you get points for punching spunky soccer moms in the face.

Average: 4.67

VENOM
Comparison: Lace

Attractiveness: 3
She looks like a bleach blonde pornstar, which is to say she looks like every pornstar. Susan said she is too tan, which is funny to me.

Effectiveness: 2
She did a good job in Hang Tough the second night, despite the fact that I realized she is way too short to be in that event.

Gimmick/Name: 2
Her outfit is ridiculous but I think the name Venom is unique enough for a Gladiator. She does weird flips when she enters the arena, making me think she may have a background in cheerleading. "Ready? OK! We are Gladiators and we're here to say, we're going to snap your vetebrae! Yeah!!!"

Average: 2.33

Final Standings
1 Crush (1)
2 Venom (2.33)
3 Siren (3)
4 Hellga (4.33)
5 Stealth (4.67)
6 Fury (5.67)

All images obtained from NBC.com

Ranking the Gladiators.

The new American Gladiators has debuted with a two-hour premier on Sunday night and a regular hour episode on Monday night. We had been gearing up for this for a while as we all were fans of AG in our youth and remembered the cheap thrills. It was mindless entertainment on a Sunday morning before church and that's how we liked it.

I watched all three hours. It was about what I expected: cheesy, at times boring, at times exciting, and mockable. It was fun to watch with friends, although most of us felt it impossible to watch alone.

I have decided to rank the Gladiators in an attempt to help you all determine which ones to idolize and which ones to scorn alongside those of us watching the show.

The men and women will be ranked seperately. They will be ranked (1-6) in three categories: attractiveness, effectiveness (at the competition), and gimmick/name. The lowest average score among these three will determine the overall standing of the Gladiator. I'm also going to name a classic Gladiator that each new Gladiator reminds me of for no real reason.

MEN

JUSTICE
Comparison: Laser

Attractiveness: 2
I will admit right now that the attractiveness values for the males are judged in part by the reaction of the females who watched the show with me. I used my judgment on some of these though and he seems like a reasonably attractive guy but too big in general.

Effectiveness: 2
He is massive and has crushed a few competitors in the Gauntlet and shot two people in Assault. I hope someone reads this who has not seen the show and thinks he has killed two people on television.

Gimmick/Name: 4
Doesn't have any particular gimmick but his name leads to announcers making all kinds of puns like "Justice has been served," or "Justice has been brought down on our competitors," or "Justice just shot two people!"

Average: 2.67

MAYHEM
Comparison: Tower

Attractiveness: 6
Every women in the world could come up to me and tell me Mayhem is gorgeous but he still looks like a tranny to me.

Effectiveness: 6
He stepped across to the opponent's pad twice in a row in Joust and did not stop anyone in Gauntlet. I think I have yet to see him win anything.

Gimmick/Name: 6
His gimmick is that he sucks.

Average: 6

MILITIA
Comparison: Hawk

Attractiveness: 5
He seems like a decent looking guy to me but he got his shorts ripped open last night and the ladies seemed unimpressed.

Effectiveness: 5
He got injured the first night and went one for two with an ass exposure on the second. He could accidently give a contender a handjob and still be better than Mayhem.

Gimmick/Name: 5
He just salutes a lot. Also, how can one man be a Militia? Can I call myself Navy if I'm a Gladiator?

Average: 5

TITAN
Comparison: Gemini

Attractiveness: 4
He looks like a buff Ken doll. When he was on Battledome as O'Dell he came out with the Dahm triplets. If I weren't scared of my girlfriend I would rank him #1 for that.

Effectiveness: 3
Titan is the professional Gladiator. He knows the rules and will be effective in all events.

Gimmick/Name: 3
He doesn't really have a gimmick either but he looks the most like a Gladiator in the conventional sense (i.e. steroid freak) and his name reflects that.

Average: 3.33

TOA
Comparison: Sabre

Attractiveness: 1
He is the Rock's cousin and stunt double. The Rock is awesome.

Effectiveness: 4
He did a really good job in Pyramid and the Wall. He would score a lot higher if he hadn't sucked at Powerball.

Gimmick/Name: 1
He has the most unique gimmick/name of all the Gladiators and it actually reflects his heritage (East Islander). He also does a haka.

Average: 2

WOLF
Comparison: Nitro

Attractiveness: 3
The crowd was divided on this one. Most girls thought he was scary, but Sonia thinks he has a hidden hotness. It should be noted that he is the second hottest Gladiator according to Sonia.

Effectiveness: 1
He rocked the shit in Powerball and Pyramid and went two for three in Hang Tough. He is going to be some sort of animal, but which one?

Gimmick/Name: 2
He howls when he is introduced. This is annoying at times, but his look and attitude make him unique enough to be the Gladiator that will be remembered after the show is canceled first week in February.

Average: 2

Final Standings:
T-1 Toa (2)
T-1 Wolf (2)
3 Justice (2.67)
4 Titan (3.33)
5 Militia (5)
6 Mayhem (6)

Female Gladiators coming soon.

All pictures obtained from NBC.com

The year in Raging.

GOOD
Movie: No Country for Old Men
This film challenges you and rewards you for thinking about the things we want and why we want them. The violence is not neat and clean. It is a fast and unexpected. This is a gritty, gritty movie. Tommy Lee Jones is wonderful in this even though Javier Bardem is the character everyone will remember.
Runner-Up: Ratatouille

Television: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
This show is incredible for it's characters and it's situations that it places them in. It is one thing to have an illiterate doofus as a character on TV, it's another to have him huff glue and spray paint and sing songs about someone breaking into his room and raping him.
Runner-Up: The Office

Music: Dethklok - Dethalbum
Brendon Small is funny. I knew this. Brendon Small is talented. I knew this. Brendon Small is funnier and more talented than I gave him credit for and this album is great. It is both a parody of a metal album and a great metal album.
Runner-Up: The National - Boxer

Athlete: Brett Favre
Does the American media have a broner for Favre? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes. Is it deserved? Yes.
Runner-Up: Devin Hester

BAD
Movie: Eastern Promises
Cronenberg is called edgy because he shoots things considered raw and dangerous. He is in fact vulgar. What he does adds nothing to the stories or dramas he is filming. It just makes them gross.
Runner-Up: Balls of Fury (no I don't need to see it to decide this)

TV: Fashionably Late with Stacy London
Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup
Runner-Up: Deal or No Deal

Music: The New Pornographers - Challengers
This wins by default. I didn't buy a lot of bad music this year and this was just disappointing is all.
Runner-Up: Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me (same as above)

Athlete: Barry Bonds
This blog has nothing to do with Barry Bonds.
Runner-Up: Michael Vick

Jazz, fish, and fun chicks with glasses.

I had a good weekend of partying to get done. I took care of that business like I took care of yo' mom last night. That chick is crazy.

We went out Friday night to Kingston Mines for Becky's birthday. It would have been more enjoyable if we could get things done and be places on time. This can be challenging for my friends, who are all college educated and own clocks. It doesn't bother me all that much but when it's almost 11:00 and we haven't left yet to go to a bar we don't really want to go to in the first place, it can be trying. I did have a good time seeing Becky and Christine and Sonal, all of whom it had been a good while since I saw them last. I believe last time I saw them they were all in costume, and for once it wasn't a dream.

Kingston Mines is a strange place. It is a reggae/jazz/blues club that isn't really conducive to dancing or hanging out to talk with friends. I'm not sure what it is trying to be, but it is trying to be there (/bows). I've made my feelings towards jazz abudantly clear (I just don't like jazz) and reggae was framed perfectly by Barney this past season on HIMYM. So for the record, I would have had a good time anywhere with the company I was with, I just wish it were somewhere else.

On Saturday I had a work lunch at the Shedd. My old boss invited Cass and I to his company's holiday meal at Soundings. It was fun because we got to sit on the balcony above the otters. Cass refused to be ironic and order tilapia. "I can't go look his cousin's in the eye after eating him."

We went to Steph's party that night and had a good time. We really only knew Steph there so we hung out with her for the most part. It was a fun time getting there in the dairy queen blizzard and parking required an expanding loop around her house before we parked in an illegal snow zone with 40 other cars. United we can resist them. Steph was her wonderful self even though she seemed a little down. I hope we cheered her up a bit.

Also, Cass got her tits stared at.

Steroids are for people too.

The Mitchell Report is out and for those of you who don't know what that is it means a lot of baseball players got named for using performance enhancing drugs based on an investigation by a former senator. A few quick things:

-I am most happy that the prelist released a few hours early was way wrong in including Pujols and Farnsworth. Pujols because he is one of my favorite players and Farnsworth because it is more awesome for him to be naturally prone to rage.

-Most surprising are the names not mentioned, specifically McGwire, Brady Anderson, and Bret Boone. I would say that there is no way you can keep McGwire out of the Hall of Fame now. He was never convicted or shown to have done anything and he played in an era when others were doing illegal substances.

-Of the players mentioned there are like 20 I have never heard of at all. This means that there are a significant number of people who do steroids to be mediocre at baseball. Take that as a lesson illustrating the difficulty of the game and the greatness of those who excel at it.

-There are still heroes out there but don't idolize people. Humans are fallible. You may not like a lot of your heroes personally and they may be assholes who use steroids. Be prepared for this eventuality and don't be blindly devoted.

The effects of Quicksilver.

It was a bit disingenuous on my part in retelling the events of last week therein my blog of Monday. In truth events of significance did transpire but their importance warranted an entry of their own that their fruits may be fully dispersed and enjoyed. Now that the sheet has been pulled from my slight deception I pray you forgive me lest I lose devoted readership.

On Thursday Cassandra and I were seen to have ventured out to witness the glorious Art Show of our friend Janice. It had certainly been a good spell since we had crossed paths, the end of this most recent of soccer seasons for us two in fact. Upon entering the tavern we set upon locating our party. This became an easy task as our compatriots elected to make camp just steps beyond the doorway. I chose to greet Janice first since I noticed no definitive faces I found recognizable, only half lit profiles and vaguely familiar body shapes and hairstyles. I made it a point then to take the laboured route to Janice in order to obtain best vantage of all parties seated with our artist.

I greeted Janice with an embrace and a smile, she with warm greetings and thanks. She proudly pointed us towards her latest efforts currently still decorating the tavern wall. Let it be said now that these works are wondrous.

The polite exchanges of pleasantries ensued with all parties that had not been visited on in some time. Among these, in order of greetings, were Vanessa, Anne, Jed, and David Lamb. Cass and I became bees among the flowers, speeding from one wonderful bloom to the next with only brief chances to pause and enjoy the nectar. Casual conversation and nostalgia were the course of the evening, and Carlsburg was imbibed to the very brink of inebriation. I truly do miss many of these teammates, barmates, and mates that I seem to rarely find opportunities to become merry amongst since I find myself so merry in their company. Hopes have been cast that a similar spell without their company will not be endured.

Unnecessary Movie Review: The Conversation

Two things that get Taylor all a titter:

1) forgetting to mention that you watched the movie The Conversation with him

2) the movie The Conversation

Cass, Taylor and I watched The Conversation on Friday night. It was a perfect relaxing night in with friends that I needed after several weekends of travelling.

The movie was aptly described by Taylor as a quiet thriller. The film is not fast paced or heart pounding in suspense. It is more about atmosphere and characterazation than dialogue itself, which is of course ironic. I enjoyed the film and Hackman's performance. The only actors I did not enjoy were the women he loved (Teri Garr and some floozy).

My only problem with the film is it is laborious so it is not exactly the movie to watch when you are tired. I also found that the ending could be misleading as I interpreted it differently than both Taylor and Cass. I have since come around to their way of thinking, only because the movie never establishes an unreliable narrator and therefore what we see must be taking place.

Overall the film is solid on all fronts, including soundtrack. I don't think I would watch it again but would recommend it as a thoughtful, quiet thriller.

The tip of the thumb.

Sorry it's been awhile again. I actually had to work this week due to weather, illness, and funerals reducing our lab to skeleton crew all week. It's like working in a ghost town if it was a town that used to test horse pee.

Cass chronicled most of my recent experiences. It seems everyone I know has a blog now so most of what I do is chronicled already before I get a chance to do so. This frees me up to write about nonsense, a skill I honed in graduate school. I do just want to touch on our Door County weekend.

Cass came with me to see the parents the weekend after Thanksgiving. It was a great time. We rode up with Luke and Katie and stayed two nights. It was a snowy, cold wonderland there. This meant spending a lot of time inside playing with Aggie instead of taking walks with her. That's ok but I would've liked to go hiking or something. No big deal.

My mom got to see me with a beard which must have been exciting for her. She said she thought I looked nice. I thought that was polite.

We enjoyed the quiet evenings in just watching movies and relaxing with my folks. I am hoping to make it up in the spring when everything is blooming to enjoy the scenery and make Cass's allergies go apeshit.

This past weekend was a quiet one. Cass and I bummed around mostly dealing with this thing and that thing. I have to thank her for calming me down when I seem ready to lose my shit.

I didn't realize I would get to see Oli, Ang, and Lily over Christmas as well as Megan and Marty. Cass said something the other day that reminded me. This will be great as I haven't seen them in too long.

Rehab sucks. I may do a post on HMOs in the future if I ever decide I am boring enough to do that.

Unnecessary innuendo: I'll put my devil in your details, honey.

Mating a mongoose and a turkey would produce a monkey.

Sorry I've been gone a while. This time it wasn't laziness, but an actual injury that prevented me from blogging. I never thought that I would have a tangible excuse for neglecting the blogosphere.

Time to get caught up on things. I'll try to go chronologically.



The hand
It is healing well now. I had surgery about a month ago now. There is a metal plate and screws in my hand now that supposedly will not set off metal detectors. The surgery was a harrowing experience that taught me one lesson: UIC Hospital is to be avoided. Write that down. I will quiz you later. I was awake for the surgery and got a block on the arm, that is to say the entire arm was completely numb. It felt very weird, like a form of paralysis. Try as hard as I could the arm wouldn't budge. When they were administering the block they gave me wonderful drugs that made me loopy and goofy. I apparently made the doctors laugh enough to have to stop and start again a few times. The surgery itself was supposed to take an hour and wound up taking more than three. What pisses me off the most is how little they were willing to tell me and that no one would admit mistakes after the fact. If someone would just tell me what happened (which I know already regardless since I was awake for the thing) it would make me feel better. The orthopaedist who has seen me for followups is a complete douche. Cass has been with me through all of this and her support has been greatPOP QUIZ Which hospital should be avoided?



Hallowinona
Actually prior to the surgery but not the injury I did go play at Hallowinona. Playing one handed was a new experience. I didn't play as well as I wanted to but I did better than I expected. As far as the amount of fun is concerned I would say this rivaled any Hallowinona, and therefore any frisbee tourney ever. The team was so much fun and played and drank the same way: competitively. Check out pictures here. The indian costumes turned out great and my Warrior makeup made at least me chuckle so I count is as a win.



The Return of Marty
Marty came to visit and it was great to see him. I am happy to say that he has not been Eurofied at all, not that I necessarily expected such an occurence. Marty is a force of nature: he is not changed by his surroundings, his surroundings are changed by him. We had a great time just hanging around and eating Sweet Maple. I really can't wait for Christmas for the MegaMart American Holiday Tour.



A few other random observations:

• Both Dave and I have been missing softball something wicked lately.
• The Burlington is different now but at least they still serve New Glurlington.
• Everyone I know is employed by my girlfriend.
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on TV.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Keep tuned for a drunken post sometime soon.

In stitches.

I haven't blogged in a while because of the hand. Of all the things I do at work, typing is the most awkward.

Now who wants to go see No Country for Old Men with me?

It's broken.

My hand is more stiff than anything else. Interestingly the most common question I get is "Were you safe?", as if this would make the whole thing worth it.

I'm really only pissed because Hallowinona is this weekend. I am still playing for the record.

Marathon Man(ia)

Cass and I volunteered at the Chicago Marathon this past weekend. We worked a Sprint booth looking up runners for people to tell them their pace, when they past checkpoints, etc. We were in Chinatown (Cermak and Wentworth). Some highlights:

-We arrived and locked our bikes to a bike rack on what I thought was the North side of the street. Cass helpfully pointed out that it was the South side.
-Cass got breakfast Chinese hot pockets for 75 cents each. The little c with a line through it on the menu confused her as to how much they wanted for them, thinking maybe it was Chinese currency.
-Sprint helpfully supplied us with black cotton t-shirts for volunteering in 95 degree weather.
-Some spectator came up and asking "What are you guys here for?" My helpful reply: "It's for the marathon."
-We borrowed a chair from some helpful firemen with awesome mustaches.
-I convinced myself that I could outsprint the Kenyan running team for 100 yards on the condition that the race starts 21 miles into them running a marathon.
-We stopped at Panera on the way home for lunch (6.5 hours out in the heat). On the way home was the real highlight of the day but Cass has to tell the story.

This picture disgusts.

When asked how he could make such a blunder considering he is the franchise player for the Cavs, Lebron said: "Maybe the Knicks wouldn't be so bad. They just play terribly, call women b****** and not give a f***. That's funny to me."

Later in the day Mike Ditka was seen in a Favre jersey.

I think they took a team shower with whore juice.

I had a good weekend out of town playing ultimate with the UIC men. We came into the tourney seeded 16th and finished 8th so that's an accomplishment. Our record also fails to illustrate the progress made by many of our inexperienced players. Watching someone catch their first goal in competitive play is wonderful.

I do have one funny anecdote over the weekend I would like to mention. The tournament was hosted by UW-Whitewater. Whitewater, Wisconsin is a small community just across the border on I-90. The team hosted a party at a bar in town. After our game against UWW (1 seed, we took first half, they were upset) we asked them about the party and got our bracelets. They guy handing us bracelets says "Oh, and the Bud Light girls will probably be out." Some guys on the team made the obligatory catcalls.

Fastforward to the party that night at the bar. I am hanging out with Julius getting really drunk (free beer) when all of a sudden I am overcome by the smell of jasmine and skank. I wheel my head to see three clubber girls walking through the crowd towards the back of the bar. The smell really was overpowering and keep in mind this is in a bar in rural(ish?) Wisconsin. Julius and I make a few choice remarks as to the promiscuous nature that the smell implies and then settle in to drinking again.

Later in the evening I feel the aura approaching again and this time I wheel my head to see the same girls now with Bud Light visors on their heads handing out free buttons and bottle openers.

One of the great advantages of Chicago is that when the Bud Light girls are going to be out that means supermodels wearing reavealing spandex. In Whitewater, it means they find three marginally attractive clubrats and dunk them in White Diamonds.

Avoid Whitewater, WI.

Hey everybody, free samples of me.

Cass and I went down to the lakefront yesterday to see the Cool Globes. It was a good time even though we didn't get to see all of them as it was getting dark. Some have solar panels and light up but not enough to view all the other cool globes. Subtle commentary on the failings of solar energy or quiet reflection on missed opportunities?

And now, for no reason at all, my top five t-shirts that I ever made:

5) I (heart) SATAN
4) There is no reason to search me.
3) IGNORE THIS MAN
2) (Picture of Sisyphus)
1) I WAS NEVER COOL

Quiet reflection on how awesome I am or bold statement of how awesome I am?

Does whatever an Iron can.

This is how it's done f*****s.

The fan you don't want.

While watching the Bears game this past weekend I was reminded of all the times I have tuned into sporting events in the middle of a game to watch my team collapse. I can't tell you how many times I would turn on a Brewers game and see them winning 5-0, only to watch them give up six runs in the next two innings. Maybe I'm just imagining this but it seems like anytime I try to actually watch the teams I enjoy I curse them.

Granted, Rex struggled after the half, which is a normal time for things to change, but it still made me wonder. Also, it would be a stretch to call myself a Rex fan.

Am I alone in this experience? Anyone else feel the same way? I honestly remember more times where I tuned in to watch a collapse than I have for a stunning comeback. Maybe I should stop rooting for teams that suck.

"I called it the Caleb point."

I have my new computer now. UPS was kind enough to leave it in our aparment lobby. Just inside the door to the street that doesn't close most of the time. In related news, UPS deliverymen are incompetent baboons.

I played a lot of sports over the weekend. Wicked Awesome's fall highlight reel started on Sunday, featuring the return of Beef Ox. This will be chronicled by someone else with accompanying picture soon enough so I will allow you to satisfy your softball curiosity elsewhere.

On Saturday FUNK had our first tournament of the fall in Naperville. I stayed at the Hatzfield residence the night before to get a good rest. I was feeling reluctant going into this tournament. I was ready to play but not exactly excited. This was a young team and I am now in my later 20s. I can't quite grasp the flavor of this as it alternates from motivating me more and burning me down.

We were supposed to have 27 players there (according to DM). I knew to expect less, however when it was time to start the first game and we had 12 I was a bit bewildered. Apparently confusion is the fuel that drives the Caleb-Train because I played my hardest the first game turning it into my personal mission statement of dedication to the team. I subbed as little as possible while maintaining performance. My best point, and by this I mean of my life not of the weekend, came about half way through the game when both teams were winding down from the initial spurts of energy and suffering a morning lull. I had three layout d's and felt personally responsible for driving my team to the goal. We ended up losing the point on a swilly huck but I still felt accomplished.

The rest of the weekend went much better than expected. We won our pool and played good ultimate until the end of the day post-bye when we failed to get reignited. Cass came and stayed about halfway through the second game. Her parents came and watched the second and third game we played, including a glorious victory on the last point of the game. I really appreciated having an audience.

I don't know what the future holds for my ultimate career. I had however been timid in laying out ever since this spring for a reason so secret I have yet to discover where it came from but its departure signals a welcome rebirth for me and an ominous warning for my opponents. Talking trash on the internet is not new, but neither is me pwning the ultimate field.

P.S. Someone mentioned the lack of pictures on my blog. Since I do not take many pictures I have instead decided to google the title of every post and take my favorite picture from the third page to lead the post. Hope this satisfies the photophiles.

And the fruits of it.

I bought a computer. It should be here soon.

In the meantime, this caught my eye.

When reached for comment, Troy Aikman said: "Your flesh smells like misery. Enjoy the toasted purple and leave my kingdom."

Labor

I took a week off from posting. I don't have a computer at home anymore so my posting is done at work when possible. This past week I had a heavy workload so I never had a chance to post my thoughts on Miss Teen South Carolina or Appalachian State v. Michigan. Both are equally awesome.

It was a long weekend, but not because I had off on Monday. On Saturday Cass, Jay and I helped Nate move. It was hard work but Nate's experience getting a truck was much more laborious.

Sunday I had to go into work. A three to four hour day turned into six as one instrument refused to work properly.

This resulted in me being too tired to do anything on Sat. or Sun. night so I stayed in all weekend.

Monday we tried to go to the beach but couldn't find a parking spot. It was lame and I felt bad for Charlie as he was so excited and then so confused. Then later we went to visit Ed in the hospital. He has meningitis. I gave him a gorilla. My work is done.

Acting Schmacting

Here's a list of actors.

• Christopher Walken
• Will Ferrell
• Vince Vaughn
• Ben Stiller
• Will Arnett

They are all good actors and I have enjoyed a lot of their work.

You know what else they have in common? Casting them in a movie won't save it from being shitty. If a script isn't funny to begin with it these fine men won't be able to generate a miracle. They need something to work with.

Balls of Fury is going to be terrible.

Cardinals wear silly red hats.

Jay and Ross came up and stayed with me this weekend. We went to Cards-Cubs on Friday and saw a relatively boring pitching duel. Watching a game with great pitching when you have no view of the strike zone is not very enthralling. The Cards managed to sweep the Brewers and drop two to the Cubs. This is the worst possible scenario for a Brewers fan, for example me. They have been bad since I was one. I was happy for a while this year.

I was thinking of how Cubs fans may react to that statement. You can say something about 100 years, but the Brewers haven't posted a winning record since 1992. Don't make me throw our incompetence in your faces.

Had a good time this weekend with the boys. Hung out, got drunk, business as usual. I'm really excited to get out and play frisbee again. I don't mind having weeknights to myself now but I do miss being outdoors, even when the weather decides it's Autumn whether our calendar likes it or not.

Superbad is many different kinds of wonderful.

Unnecessary Movie Review: Breakfast at Tiffany's

A bit of background:

IMDB average user rating: 7.8/10

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 84% fresh

Nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay

I had heard this movie was wonderful and a classic. I had heard Audrey Hepburn was divine as Holly Golightly. I had heard that this was a must see amongst my Netflix list now over 100.

This movie is bad.

In all fairness, Audrey Hepburn does a fine job with what she had. She was beautiful and passionate. She could not have done more.

My problems are myriad. I didn't feel anything for the characters. Not an instant of feeling sorry, sad, happy, anything. Every character was unlikable but not even to the point of being interesting. The dialogue was so overdramatic and unbelievable that it took me completely out of the film.

Most of everything in the movie was cliche. Did this movie create a lot of cliches? Maybe, but they are cliches I hate, so this movie can eat fist.

This movie left such a bad taste in my mouth that I don't even feel compelled to make an A*Team joke.

My Most Spirited Blog

I had a great weekend in Naporville playing Ultimate and hanging out with Cass's family. I can't thank them enough for giving me a place to rest after a hard tournament. Having a lake to jump into doesn't hurt either.

We played hard and well despite the intense heat and lack of cloud cover. Big thanks to Keith for coming out and playing a few points when we were low on men as well.

The finals were played between the Flynn brothers. Heckling them was the most fun I had all weekend. I think Colyn Bang-Bang's team beat Matt Bang's.

Cass won the spirit award for our team by a unanimous vote. She has progressed so quickly that in two months her blog will be filled with nonsensical jargon and inside stories that don't interest anyone.

We definitely have a fall league team now. Now we just need confirmation of a Wicked Awesome season for my Autumn to be fantastic.

Dingers!

So this Bonds crap is "over." The whole mess is ridiculous and tragic. Imagine how many up and coming players in the minors are now injecting all kinds of nonsense into themselves, and just so they can play better, not so they can get messed up before fisting some local field-rat.

Is he innocent until proven guilty? I suppose so, but when evidence is mounted against you there comes a point to prove your innocence. He never will, for the record. Even if he could, and I doubt it, the MLBPA will never allow that to happen.

I hate the argument that players these days have to do it in order to be able to compete. This is such utter b.s. players with guilty consciences tell themselves. What about all the players who don't do it and rely on talent to carry them? They didn't have to do anything. These are the players to idolize. It's a real shame too since this was such a good Hall of Fame year with two great baseball idols (Gwynn and Ripken) but their stories were lost amongst the hype.

Bud Selig looks like the Cryptkeeper's wife.

Unnecessary Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

The biggest issue seems to be what to expect when going to see this movie. I approached it with cautious optimism, which I think is the best way to go about it. I didn't expect it to be the same as the classic seasons, but I did expect it to be better than the recent seasons. In this endeavor, I believe the film succeeds.

The movie starts out very strong and stays consistently good for the first half hour. The middle portion of the movie drags a bit but there had to be space to include some story. There are laughs in the middle but just not as frequent or as loud. I found the finish to the movie to be a bit over the top, but in retrospect it is perhaps appropriate given that it is the Simpsons MOVIE.

I have very few complaints about the film. Some of the story elements were a tad trite (Homer and Marge having a crisis of devotion) but they were done effectively I suppose. Some ancillary characters could have used more screen time, most notably Mr. Burns. I should not complain though since he gets the last line of the movie and it is my favorite.

All in all, the movie is good. It satisfied my expectations. It didn't blow me out of the water and reinvigorate my love of the series, but it felt like watching several very good episodes. I'd recommend renting it instead of seeing it in theaters because watching the Simpsons at home feels natural.

Favorite part: The last line like I mentioned. Also, the intro with Ralph set a very good tone for the film.

So long and thanks for all the British slang

Ollie and Ange's going away party was last night. We had a very good time over at CT's. I really enjoyed everyone's company. I missed Janice which means it's been about a month or so since we actually hung out. I will have to correct this soon.

I hope Ollie and Ange have a safe trip and enjoy their time abroad. I will truly miss the two of them and little Lilianna. She is a doll. When she comes back she will not know who I am (still) and speak mostly Spanish.

Favorite Britishisms Ollie taught me:

-Axe Wound
-Chav
-WHACK IT!!!


Buena suerte.

The troll is angered.

A big bridge collapsed. One I had driven on many times. I feel sorry for their loved ones, but I find myself wondering about the guy who was the last car to get across safely. I wonder if he felt the ground shaking and just slammed the gas, making it across as the concrete was crumbling behind him like in a cartoon.

Now every community in the country will demand that their bridges be updated for safety. No need to worry Grandma, we have reinforced the three foot span over Quietwood Creek.

Sorry if that last part sounded dismissive. I do have a heart, but it is constantly getting his ass kicked by my brain because he wields a deadly blade called sarcasm.

Have you ever seen the sun set at 1 p.m.?

Last night at ultimate the park security shut us down a little before 8 p.m. The park is technically open until sundown. There was plenty of sunlight left (at least 30 mins because it took us that long to get out of the parking lot and it was still light). The park security are a bunch of chavs. They don't have anything better to do but they want to leave a half hour early.

It did make me think of when I used to work night patrol at a park. I had fun times at that job. It was over summers my first two or three years of college. I would come in at 2 p.m. and all the day shift would be gone around 4 so I had the park mostly to myself. I really only had to lock up buildings and take care of gas for remote park sites in my region (three of them). If there was a building rental I would have to sometimes stay late to clean up but these were usually parties that I could pretty much ignore until they left. They would also often be of higher income and give me tips for staying late. My responsibilities being minimal and my supervision being nonexistent lead to me doing some interesting things. Some favorite activities of mine:

-If I was staying late for a party (past ten, park closes), I would kick people out of the park. No one ever gave me the authority to do so but I took it upon myself. This was fun because I would catch tons of teens (some I went to high school with) in the backseat in the midst of fumbly, awkward sex. It was also amusing pulling up on a bunch of underage kids drinking who would bolt when they saw me but leave their booze behind.

-Stealing chairs left behind by rental companies for massive company picnics.

-Hitting golf balls into the water tower. It made an awesome gong sound.

-A one time only occasion me and two friends went into the park late and shot of fireworks. We were having a bottle rocket war when I saw a cop pull into the far end of the park (we did it in a strategic location where I knew how to look out for people approaching). My friends ducked behind some trees and I ran and jumped into my truck. When the cops pulled up they asked me if I saw anyone lighting off fireworks. I told them that the kids ran off when they saw me. They told me to call if I see the kids again and then they left. We then went back to what we were doing.

Good times. Fun job. I could have gotten away with a lot more. I wish I had a girlfriend at the time but I could say that about a large portion of my life.

Back on the ultimate track, it looks like we will be playing fall league and men's club this fall season. This is good because I get to play with Cass and continue to watch her kick more and more ass, and I also get to play with the boys at some fun tourneys. I'm looking forward to it.

On a bit of a downer, I found out the Thermals played at Wicker Parkfest and I missed them again. I would be more pissed but they only played a half hour and I would have had to go to Wicker Parkfest to see them.

Unnecessary Movie Review: Ratatouille

Ratatouille is French for incredible movie.

This movie exceeded my every expectation and was more heartwarming and genuine than anything I had seen all year. It looks incredible with even the hairs on the rat being well defined. The streets of Paris look amazing, although they are too clean from what I saw of Paris. Initially I was skeptical that I could be motivated to become passionate about a rat that is cooking. This was never an issue as almost immediately the audience develops a connection with the rat.

This movie is not just for children. This movie is not a kids movie that was made more for adults. This is a movie that everyone can watch and find something to enjoy. Brad Bird is phenomenal. He proves that for every Ice Age 2 or Over the Hedge that relies on voice talent and cheap laughs, he can make a thoughtful film that relies on the story.

See this movie. You will be immersed and forget that you are watching an animated film. You will be amazed at how close you feel to the characters. You will laugh afterword with whomever accompanied you and laughed just as hard.

The short at the beginning is hilarious as well and shows how well Pixar can depict emotion using their characters, even without dialogue.

Favorite part of the film: The flashback scene at the end was incredible. No spoilers.

Hot, Reckless, Totally Insane

Frisbee last night left me in a good mood but disappointed as well. I played well but got beat by two swilly throws. Most reading won't know what that means but rest assured that it means the other guy got lucky. That combined with my team underperforming despite winning makes me a little upset but ok on the whole.

A lot has transpired since I last posted. Martha came to town and is as bombastic as ever. Even thought I am not entirely sure what that word means I am 100% sure of that statement's accuracy.

Cass and I went to see the Simpson's Movie. I also haven't posted about Ratatouille yet. I will get to these shortly.

Seems that fall softball is all that anyone can think about. Colin will take care of it when he pleases and no amount of pestering will accelerate this.

Tyler's going away BBQ was enjoyably relaxing. I have no further review. Best of luck to him in his new adventures.

Cass and I had brunch the next day with Jess. I hadn't seen here in a while so it was nice to catch up. She is as pleasant as ever. I got Big Mike's Irish because I had been craving it since the night before.

Soccer is winding down. Tonight appears to be a going away game of sorts. Ollie and BJ will be departing. This is sad indeed as it not only means the departure of two good friends but two quality players. Godspeed.

This post is all over the place. Try to keep up.

I needed to celebrate my first paycheck. I hadn't done it yet so I wanted to go out but it never happened so I decided to buy myself something I've wanted for a long time. I narrowed it down to Band of Brothers or Futurama. Dave owns Band of Brothers so Futurama will be here sometime next week. I hope this excites many of you despite Cass's disinterest. Jay, help me out.

Living with Dave has been excellent. The secret? Chore Wars.

Andy left for Japan this past weekend. Best of luck to him, what with Godzilla and all.

On Hold

Sorry about the lack of updates but my internet at home is not working right now. Updating at work is not very easy so a few quick updates:

-Wicked Awesome was incredible fun
-Cass is becoming awesome at frisbee
-Soccer hasn't happened in a month
-Wedding this weekend in Minnesota was excellent