A new season of gladiation is upon us and with that a new set of faces to learn to be fearful of but mostly laugh at. I am now going to reduce these human beings' accomplishments and physical characteristics to mere numbers for my own amusement.
BEAST
Comparison: Thunder
Attractiveness: 5.5
I cannot describe to you the terror of the prospect of making love to, and subsequently being torn in half by, this man. Wait, yes I can. Picture that.
Effectiveness: 3.66
I've only seen him in one event so far and he destroyed both oppenents in the Joust. However, I found his technique lacking and am unsure of his mobility. I'm sort of hedging my bets on this one lest my expertise on Gladiknowledge be questioned.
Gimmick/Name: 1.5
He's lowered from the ceiling in a cage and acts scary but isn't forced to speak gibberish. He only loses points for wearing furry barbarian style trunks. Gladiators are all about spandex and always have been. You don't get to buck the trend to look like Kull the Conqueror.
Average: 3.55
Hurricane
Comparison: Malibu
Attractiveness: 4.5
Are they really trying to appeal to the teenage girl/boys who dress in girl's clothing market? Is that really a niche that American Gladiators thinks they can exploit?
Effectiveness: 3.33
He's been decent in everything, including knocking two contestants off in Sideswipe. He'd be a decent pick to root for if it weren't for everything else about him.
Gimmick/Name: 5.5
I have so many issues with this (hair color, what that has to do with his name, etc.) but don't want to go into it here as he may see this and cry. I don't want to be responsible for his eyeliner running.
Average: 4.44
ROCKET
Comparison: Viper
Attractiveness: 0.5
Rocket is such a pretty man that he broke my scale.
Effectiveness: 1.67
Unbeaten on the Wall because he rocks, he has now taken to climbing above his opponents and taunting them from above. It is as funny as it sounds. We probably won't see him in Powerball anytime soon though as that event is only awesome when the contestants are outweighed by 100 lbs.
Gimmick/Name: 2.5
He is a goofball and smiles all the time. I enjoy this but can't give him high marks for it. I understand it's hard to give the winning contender a gimmick, but they didn't really try.
Average:1.55
ZEN
Comparison: Quake
Attractiveness: 1.5
That might be a high ranking, but the prospect of being crushed by a 250 lb. musclebeast seems less appealing, putting him well ahead of a lot of the pack.
Effectiveness: 1.67
Zen is awesome! He comes out all like WATAHHH and goes like WOOSH WOOSHIE up the Wall.
Gimmick/Name: 4.5
How being thrown off a climbing wall by a small asian man could help you attain tranquility is beyond my comprehension.
Average:2.55
JET
Comparison: Zap
Attractiveness: 1.33
Only losing points for her tramp stamp, Jet has been a favorite since she was a contestant. Her abs can kill small mammals.
Effectiveness: 1.5
She has been awesome on the Wall and despite being smaller has shown more tenacity when thrown into physical events like Pyramid than I could've reasonably expected for a cute soccer mom.
Gimmick/Name: 2.5
It's a good name and a gutsy decision for the producers to name her after Benny from The Sandlot.
Average: 1.77
PANTHER
Comparison: Panther (hawhaw)
Attractiveness: 4.5
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ok, to be fair I researched and found out she has Scary Spice syndrome. Still, she will haunt my nightmares.
Effectiveness: 3.5
We haven't seen much of her and for the most part I was too busy losing my next three erections to notice how well she did.
Gimmick/Name: 4.5
If they were going to go ahead and make her look like that the least they could have done is name her Succubus.
Average: 4.16
PHOENIX
Comparison: Diamond
Attractiveness: 1.67
Look for this ranking to increase when her and Crush compete next week in the new event "Gladiator Makeout Session." Wait, that was a dream I had.
Effectiveness: 2.67
She destroyed in her debut but it was a terrible event that bored me terribly. She has been decent since but I haven't been paying attention for like the opposite reason of Panther.
Gimmick/Name: 1.5
She comes out with wings on and the addition of accessories opens up a world of possibilities in my imagination, for future Gladiators and other things.
Average: 1.94
STEEL
Comparison: Storm
Attractiveness: 5.5
Her hips are wider than a Buick.
Effectiveness: 2.33
She levelled a contender in Injuryball with an open form tackle. She hasn't done anything else impressive but a single forearm shiver can do wonders.
Gimmick/Name: 5.5
Her gimmick is that she never talks. She either has no mic skills, a horrible voice, or a producer decided to give her the dream wife gimmick.
Average: 4.44
All pictures courtesy of NBC.com
The rankings will be based on the previous rankings to see where the new kids fit onto the block.
MEN
MEN
BEAST
Comparison: Thunder
Attractiveness: 5.5
I cannot describe to you the terror of the prospect of making love to, and subsequently being torn in half by, this man. Wait, yes I can. Picture that.
Effectiveness: 3.66
I've only seen him in one event so far and he destroyed both oppenents in the Joust. However, I found his technique lacking and am unsure of his mobility. I'm sort of hedging my bets on this one lest my expertise on Gladiknowledge be questioned.
Gimmick/Name: 1.5
He's lowered from the ceiling in a cage and acts scary but isn't forced to speak gibberish. He only loses points for wearing furry barbarian style trunks. Gladiators are all about spandex and always have been. You don't get to buck the trend to look like Kull the Conqueror.
Average: 3.55
Hurricane
Comparison: Malibu
Attractiveness: 4.5
Are they really trying to appeal to the teenage girl/boys who dress in girl's clothing market? Is that really a niche that American Gladiators thinks they can exploit?
Effectiveness: 3.33
He's been decent in everything, including knocking two contestants off in Sideswipe. He'd be a decent pick to root for if it weren't for everything else about him.
Gimmick/Name: 5.5
I have so many issues with this (hair color, what that has to do with his name, etc.) but don't want to go into it here as he may see this and cry. I don't want to be responsible for his eyeliner running.
Average: 4.44
ROCKET
Comparison: Viper
Attractiveness: 0.5
Rocket is such a pretty man that he broke my scale.
Effectiveness: 1.67
Unbeaten on the Wall because he rocks, he has now taken to climbing above his opponents and taunting them from above. It is as funny as it sounds. We probably won't see him in Powerball anytime soon though as that event is only awesome when the contestants are outweighed by 100 lbs.
Gimmick/Name: 2.5
He is a goofball and smiles all the time. I enjoy this but can't give him high marks for it. I understand it's hard to give the winning contender a gimmick, but they didn't really try.
Average:1.55
ZEN
Comparison: Quake
Attractiveness: 1.5
That might be a high ranking, but the prospect of being crushed by a 250 lb. musclebeast seems less appealing, putting him well ahead of a lot of the pack.
Effectiveness: 1.67
Zen is awesome! He comes out all like WATAHHH and goes like WOOSH WOOSHIE up the Wall.
Gimmick/Name: 4.5
How being thrown off a climbing wall by a small asian man could help you attain tranquility is beyond my comprehension.
Average:2.55
WOMEN
JET
Comparison: Zap
Attractiveness: 1.33
Only losing points for her tramp stamp, Jet has been a favorite since she was a contestant. Her abs can kill small mammals.
Effectiveness: 1.5
She has been awesome on the Wall and despite being smaller has shown more tenacity when thrown into physical events like Pyramid than I could've reasonably expected for a cute soccer mom.
Gimmick/Name: 2.5
It's a good name and a gutsy decision for the producers to name her after Benny from The Sandlot.
Average: 1.77
PANTHER
Comparison: Panther (hawhaw)
Attractiveness: 4.5
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ok, to be fair I researched and found out she has Scary Spice syndrome. Still, she will haunt my nightmares.
Effectiveness: 3.5
We haven't seen much of her and for the most part I was too busy losing my next three erections to notice how well she did.
Gimmick/Name: 4.5
If they were going to go ahead and make her look like that the least they could have done is name her Succubus.
Average: 4.16
PHOENIX
Comparison: Diamond
Attractiveness: 1.67
Look for this ranking to increase when her and Crush compete next week in the new event "Gladiator Makeout Session." Wait, that was a dream I had.
Effectiveness: 2.67
She destroyed in her debut but it was a terrible event that bored me terribly. She has been decent since but I haven't been paying attention for like the opposite reason of Panther.
Gimmick/Name: 1.5
She comes out with wings on and the addition of accessories opens up a world of possibilities in my imagination, for future Gladiators and other things.
Average: 1.94
STEEL
Comparison: Storm
Attractiveness: 5.5
Her hips are wider than a Buick.
Effectiveness: 2.33
She levelled a contender in Injuryball with an open form tackle. She hasn't done anything else impressive but a single forearm shiver can do wonders.
Gimmick/Name: 5.5
Her gimmick is that she never talks. She either has no mic skills, a horrible voice, or a producer decided to give her the dream wife gimmick.
Average: 4.44
All pictures courtesy of NBC.com
