Yoda v Splinter

Two great masters. Only one can be considered the dominant sensei.

Yoda

Vital Statistics:

Ht: Waist or so

Age: Damn old

Impairment: Possibly dyslexia

Skin: Green

Home: Swamp

Awesome Association: Frank Oz

Best Merchandise: Flamethrower

Fighting Style: Jedi

Pretty cool fighting style. I don't think anyone our age has never picked up a flashlight and done the lightsaber sounds.

Physical Training: Baby Harness Running

I can't imagine a more humiliating thing for a master to make you do than run him around his yard.

Mental Training: Kill Yourself

Mostly this deals with confronting Luke's fear of Darth Vader, which apparently requires him to fantasize about finding out Vader is him.

Special Power Training: Picking Up Gorram Spaceships with Your Mind

That's pretty awesome.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Incest

Why did he wait so long to let Luke know Leia was his sister? Seems cruel. He doesn't provide much other real world advice, probably because he lived in a swamp for a long time. Also, he put two sexually active and attractive youngsters alone for a significant time and then was disappointed that they chose to become involved with each other (bangin'). Nice Jedi foresight there.

Splinter

Vital Statistics

Odor: Significant

Likes: Cheese

Complexion: Furry

Home: Sewer

Awesome Association: Mako

Best Merchandise: Pizza Flippin' Scuba Gear Birthday Party Splinter Action Figure

Fighting Style: Ninjitsu

If I have to explain to you my feelings on ninjas we've obviously never met.

Physical Training: Cheerleader/Tony Hawk

Doing backflips and skateboarding are not training for physical combat. Either of these guys ever hear of sparring?

Mental Training: Meditation

Sitting around thinking all day is great. That's how wars against street crime are won.

Special Power Training: Ninja Vanish

By the time you have read this sentence Leonardo could have killed you 47 times and you would just now realize it.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Fortune Cookie

Advice like "The true mastery of ninja does not come from the controlling your body, but controlling your mind" barely makes sense even with "in bed" behind it. He doesn't seem to impart a lot of real world knowledge but then again he is a rat who spent a good portion of his life in a sewer. He isn't going to be able to tell you how to deal with being dumped.

Winner: In a fight, Yoda wins without question despite the fact that he has zero victories to my knowledge (I have not seen Revenge of the Sith). Splinter chucked Shredder off a rooftop. However, ninja quickness and knunchuku proficiency only go so far before a blade made of a magic laser slices you in half. But the issue here is who is the better master? Splinter takes the edge in this one because 1) Ninja training seems more fun, 2) He seems a little more able to converse about things other than training, 3) His combat training is slightly more practical, 4) You wouldn't have to deal with that moronic backwards speak, and 5) He isn't dead.

Other random stuff:

-I had an idea for a post but then promptly threw it out. It concerned the sociological and philosophical causes for the behavior of athletes. I realized virtually no one who reads my blog would be interested. Regardless, it was prompted by this set of articles in the Seattle Times about the 2000 Washington Huskies. It is a fascinating read if you care to give more than a courtesy click on the link.

-There is someone nerdier than me.

-I think I need to start watching my sodium (for Colyn: SODYUM) intake. I have been really dry lately even though I drink a ton of water over the course of a day. I think it may be that there is way too much salt in my diet. A lot of this is from pasta, which I eat a nonmetric ton of weekly. If anyone has suggestions for foods for this purpose I would love to hear them.

Let's make tonight a classic.

I would have blogged earlier but I wanted to have a picture of Gina Carano at the top of my blog for as long as possible. In a related story I am also interested in seeing how upset I can make Cass.

Hillary had her baby. Congrats to her and Eric on a healthy baby girl.

I've been working out and running hard the past two weeks. The gym is crowded lately so I can't wait until February when exams pick up and resolutions are forgotten. I don't want to work out in an empty building but I hate running through crowds on the track. I guess I just want it to be warm so I can choose to run outside should I desire. Nature seems healthy.

My parents are coming into town tonight and heading to D.C. tomorrow. They are leaving Agamuffin with Cass for a couple weeks. She will have two little miscreant mutts to worry about for a while. Pity her not for she doth find joy amongst the creatures of the world.

Hope to catch up with some folks this weekend.

Top Ten movies from this past year that I missed and have a desire to see:

1 The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2 Juno
3 Walk Hard
4 The Mist
5 Atonement
6 There Will Be Blood
7 Dan in Real Life
8 28 Weeks Later
9 Gone Baby Gone
10 American Gangster

Ranking the Gladiators (continued).

Now it's the ladies' turn.

WOMEN

CRUSH
Comparison: Elektra

Attractiveness: 1
The universal hottie for hotness, she is far and away the most attractive Gladiator. Sonia ranks her as most desirable and stated her willingness to make love to her. Men, feel free to 'bate to that and get back to this in a few.

Effectiveness: 1
She was decent enough the first night but the second night she clubbed the hell out of two girls in the joust. We are waiting for her to drop the stick and just start throwing punches.

Gimmick/Name: 1
Her name is passably decent, but her outfit makes her that much better. She is dressed conservatively (for a Gladiator), and that with her bedroom eyes make her that much more alluring. Did I mention that I want to sleep with her?

Average: 1

FURY
Comparison: Storm

Attractiveness: 6
Guh. Your new Gladiator name is "The Grenade."

Effectiveness: 5
She did alright in Earthquake, but her showboating in Hang Tough got her dumped in the water. We don't tolerate that kind of hotdogging or grand standing in American Gladiators. This is serious business.

Gimmick/Name: 6
Her outfit and hair are the worst of any of the girls. Her name isn't overly offensive but when she poses it looks like the mating ritual of an orangutan.

Average: 5.67

HELLGA
Comparison: Gold

Attractiveness: 4
That's probably too high of a ranking. If you want to have sex with it be my guest.

Effectiveness: 6
She's been all hype and when she moves she waddles like a fat gym teacher.

Gimmick/Name: 3
I have to admit that it took serious balls to include a pun in her name. Also, she's Hellga because she looks Scandinavian but she's apparently from Texas, and that makes me laugh.

Average: 4.33

SIREN
Comparison: Siren

Attractiveness: 2
She's attractive in a she would be cute if she weren't so buff kind of way, so congratulations to her on being a somewhat attractive and somewhat frightening woman.

Effectiveness: 3
She's been decent in everything. No complaints. Also, no jokes.

Gimmick/Name: 4
Two qualifications to be named Siren: 1)Be deaf or 2)Scream constantly. The fact that she didn't do this was a severe disappointment to me as a fan of annoying things.

Average: 3

STEALTH
Comparison: Blaze

Attractiveness: 5
I never wanted to have sex with Morris Chestnut in a wig but if you did then this is the girl for you, Captain Gayest-Man-Alive.

Effectiveness: 4
I don't remember her doing anything specific. Perhaps her name is the most appropriate of them all?

Gimmick/Name: 5
Stealth? Is your goal to go unnoticed? Sorry, you don't get points for being cunning, you get points for punching spunky soccer moms in the face.

Average: 4.67

VENOM
Comparison: Lace

Attractiveness: 3
She looks like a bleach blonde pornstar, which is to say she looks like every pornstar. Susan said she is too tan, which is funny to me.

Effectiveness: 2
She did a good job in Hang Tough the second night, despite the fact that I realized she is way too short to be in that event.

Gimmick/Name: 2
Her outfit is ridiculous but I think the name Venom is unique enough for a Gladiator. She does weird flips when she enters the arena, making me think she may have a background in cheerleading. "Ready? OK! We are Gladiators and we're here to say, we're going to snap your vetebrae! Yeah!!!"

Average: 2.33

Final Standings
1 Crush (1)
2 Venom (2.33)
3 Siren (3)
4 Hellga (4.33)
5 Stealth (4.67)
6 Fury (5.67)

All images obtained from NBC.com

Ranking the Gladiators.

The new American Gladiators has debuted with a two-hour premier on Sunday night and a regular hour episode on Monday night. We had been gearing up for this for a while as we all were fans of AG in our youth and remembered the cheap thrills. It was mindless entertainment on a Sunday morning before church and that's how we liked it.

I watched all three hours. It was about what I expected: cheesy, at times boring, at times exciting, and mockable. It was fun to watch with friends, although most of us felt it impossible to watch alone.

I have decided to rank the Gladiators in an attempt to help you all determine which ones to idolize and which ones to scorn alongside those of us watching the show.

The men and women will be ranked seperately. They will be ranked (1-6) in three categories: attractiveness, effectiveness (at the competition), and gimmick/name. The lowest average score among these three will determine the overall standing of the Gladiator. I'm also going to name a classic Gladiator that each new Gladiator reminds me of for no real reason.

MEN

JUSTICE
Comparison: Laser

Attractiveness: 2
I will admit right now that the attractiveness values for the males are judged in part by the reaction of the females who watched the show with me. I used my judgment on some of these though and he seems like a reasonably attractive guy but too big in general.

Effectiveness: 2
He is massive and has crushed a few competitors in the Gauntlet and shot two people in Assault. I hope someone reads this who has not seen the show and thinks he has killed two people on television.

Gimmick/Name: 4
Doesn't have any particular gimmick but his name leads to announcers making all kinds of puns like "Justice has been served," or "Justice has been brought down on our competitors," or "Justice just shot two people!"

Average: 2.67

MAYHEM
Comparison: Tower

Attractiveness: 6
Every women in the world could come up to me and tell me Mayhem is gorgeous but he still looks like a tranny to me.

Effectiveness: 6
He stepped across to the opponent's pad twice in a row in Joust and did not stop anyone in Gauntlet. I think I have yet to see him win anything.

Gimmick/Name: 6
His gimmick is that he sucks.

Average: 6

MILITIA
Comparison: Hawk

Attractiveness: 5
He seems like a decent looking guy to me but he got his shorts ripped open last night and the ladies seemed unimpressed.

Effectiveness: 5
He got injured the first night and went one for two with an ass exposure on the second. He could accidently give a contender a handjob and still be better than Mayhem.

Gimmick/Name: 5
He just salutes a lot. Also, how can one man be a Militia? Can I call myself Navy if I'm a Gladiator?

Average: 5

TITAN
Comparison: Gemini

Attractiveness: 4
He looks like a buff Ken doll. When he was on Battledome as O'Dell he came out with the Dahm triplets. If I weren't scared of my girlfriend I would rank him #1 for that.

Effectiveness: 3
Titan is the professional Gladiator. He knows the rules and will be effective in all events.

Gimmick/Name: 3
He doesn't really have a gimmick either but he looks the most like a Gladiator in the conventional sense (i.e. steroid freak) and his name reflects that.

Average: 3.33

TOA
Comparison: Sabre

Attractiveness: 1
He is the Rock's cousin and stunt double. The Rock is awesome.

Effectiveness: 4
He did a really good job in Pyramid and the Wall. He would score a lot higher if he hadn't sucked at Powerball.

Gimmick/Name: 1
He has the most unique gimmick/name of all the Gladiators and it actually reflects his heritage (East Islander). He also does a haka.

Average: 2

WOLF
Comparison: Nitro

Attractiveness: 3
The crowd was divided on this one. Most girls thought he was scary, but Sonia thinks he has a hidden hotness. It should be noted that he is the second hottest Gladiator according to Sonia.

Effectiveness: 1
He rocked the shit in Powerball and Pyramid and went two for three in Hang Tough. He is going to be some sort of animal, but which one?

Gimmick/Name: 2
He howls when he is introduced. This is annoying at times, but his look and attitude make him unique enough to be the Gladiator that will be remembered after the show is canceled first week in February.

Average: 2

Final Standings:
T-1 Toa (2)
T-1 Wolf (2)
3 Justice (2.67)
4 Titan (3.33)
5 Militia (5)
6 Mayhem (6)

Female Gladiators coming soon.

All pictures obtained from NBC.com

The year in Raging.

GOOD
Movie: No Country for Old Men
This film challenges you and rewards you for thinking about the things we want and why we want them. The violence is not neat and clean. It is a fast and unexpected. This is a gritty, gritty movie. Tommy Lee Jones is wonderful in this even though Javier Bardem is the character everyone will remember.
Runner-Up: Ratatouille

Television: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
This show is incredible for it's characters and it's situations that it places them in. It is one thing to have an illiterate doofus as a character on TV, it's another to have him huff glue and spray paint and sing songs about someone breaking into his room and raping him.
Runner-Up: The Office

Music: Dethklok - Dethalbum
Brendon Small is funny. I knew this. Brendon Small is talented. I knew this. Brendon Small is funnier and more talented than I gave him credit for and this album is great. It is both a parody of a metal album and a great metal album.
Runner-Up: The National - Boxer

Athlete: Brett Favre
Does the American media have a broner for Favre? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes. Is it deserved? Yes.
Runner-Up: Devin Hester

BAD
Movie: Eastern Promises
Cronenberg is called edgy because he shoots things considered raw and dangerous. He is in fact vulgar. What he does adds nothing to the stories or dramas he is filming. It just makes them gross.
Runner-Up: Balls of Fury (no I don't need to see it to decide this)

TV: Fashionably Late with Stacy London
Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup
Runner-Up: Deal or No Deal

Music: The New Pornographers - Challengers
This wins by default. I didn't buy a lot of bad music this year and this was just disappointing is all.
Runner-Up: Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me (same as above)

Athlete: Barry Bonds
This blog has nothing to do with Barry Bonds.
Runner-Up: Michael Vick