Yoda
Vital Statistics:
Ht: Waist or so
Age: Damn old
Impairment: Possibly dyslexia
Skin: Green
Home: Swamp
Awesome Association: Frank Oz
Best Merchandise: Flamethrower
Fighting Style: Jedi
Pretty cool fighting style. I don't think anyone our age has never picked up a flashlight and done the lightsaber sounds.
Physical Training: Baby Harness Running
I can't imagine a more humiliating thing for a master to make you do than run him around his yard.
Mental Training: Kill Yourself
Mostly this deals with confronting Luke's fear of Darth Vader, which apparently requires him to fantasize about finding out Vader is him.
Special Power Training: Picking Up Gorram Spaceships with Your Mind
That's pretty awesome.
Real Life Knowledge Training: Incest
Why did he wait so long to let Luke know Leia was his sister? Seems cruel. He doesn't provide much other real world advice, probably because he lived in a swamp for a long time. Also, he put two sexually active and attractive youngsters alone for a significant time and then was disappointed that they chose to become involved with each other (bangin'). Nice Jedi foresight there.
Splinter
Vital Statistics
Odor: Significant
Likes: Cheese
Complexion: Furry
Home: Sewer
Awesome Association: Mako
Best Merchandise: Pizza Flippin' Scuba Gear Birthday Party Splinter Action Figure
Fighting Style: Ninjitsu
If I have to explain to you my feelings on ninjas we've obviously never met.
Physical Training: Cheerleader/Tony Hawk
Doing backflips and skateboarding are not training for physical combat. Either of these guys ever hear of sparring?
Mental Training: Meditation
Sitting around thinking all day is great. That's how wars against street crime are won.
Special Power Training: Ninja Vanish
By the time you have read this sentence Leonardo could have killed you 47 times and you would just now realize it.
Real Life Knowledge Training: Fortune Cookie
Advice like "The true mastery of ninja does not come from the controlling your body, but controlling your mind" barely makes sense even with "in bed" behind it. He doesn't seem to impart a lot of real world knowledge but then again he is a rat who spent a good portion of his life in a sewer. He isn't going to be able to tell you how to deal with being dumped.
Winner: In a fight, Yoda wins without question despite the fact that he has zero victories to my knowledge (I have not seen Revenge of the Sith). Splinter chucked Shredder off a rooftop. However, ninja quickness and knunchuku proficiency only go so far before a blade made of a magic laser slices you in half. But the issue here is who is the better master? Splinter takes the edge in this one because 1) Ninja training seems more fun, 2) He seems a little more able to converse about things other than training, 3) His combat training is slightly more practical, 4) You wouldn't have to deal with that moronic backwards speak, and 5) He isn't dead.
Other random stuff:
-I had an idea for a post but then promptly threw it out. It concerned the sociological and philosophical causes for the behavior of athletes. I realized virtually no one who reads my blog would be interested. Regardless, it was prompted by this set of articles in the Seattle Times about the 2000 Washington Huskies. It is a fascinating read if you care to give more than a courtesy click on the link.-There is someone nerdier than me.
-I think I need to start watching my sodium (for Colyn: SODYUM) intake. I have been really dry lately even though I drink a ton of water over the course of a day. I think it may be that there is way too much salt in my diet. A lot of this is from pasta, which I eat a nonmetric ton of weekly. If anyone has suggestions for foods for this purpose I would love to hear them.
8 comments:
if i had to pick a mentor, it would definitely be splinter. despite the fact that he is a little gamy, he has a better sense of humor. i'd just have him live at my apartment instead of in the sewer and i'd eventually have him smelling laundry fresh.
you forgot to mention that we watched the first movie, which i'm assuming is what sparked the idea for comparison. i could watch the turtles movies back to back all day, but would never sit through star wars again. T U R T L E power!
well, Splinter has the advantage of not talking like a fucktard ("break me a fucking give,") but Yoda is Yoda, which I realize is a tautological point, but still. . . . Yoda trumps most anything.
I find it odd that the both of them are basically Buddhist teachers. I keep going over and over in my mind who would honestly be the better teacher, or even fighter, and I can't come up with an answer. For fighting there's no way to put them on an even playing field (much like Batman vs Superman), and as for teaching they're both so similar you'd probably learn the same thing from each.
So in the end I must simply go with the fact that Ninja's are freakin' awesome.
except ninjas are japanese, who are shinto.
Yoda flying around and kicking ass was the best 3 minutes of the new Star Wars movies by far. YouTube it at least!
To judge their effectiveness as a teacher look at their pupils...
Yoda trained pretty much ALL the Jedi with the notable exception being Darth Vader.
Splinter trained four turtles, and his best pupil is Leonardo.. lame. Also, Splinter seems to have trained the turtles how to fight while holding weapons, but not how to stab people with them. Good work, NOT!
Yoda by a galactic mile.
You haven't seen TMNT have you? In addition, comic book version Ninja Turtles stab the hell out of people.
For the record, the new movies are my least favorite Yoda because of CGI.
As far as we know, Yoda only trained Qui-Gonn and Luke hands on. We never see him instructing anyone else and Qui-Gonn is just implied.
Actually Qui Gon was Count Dooku's Padawan. But all in all I just outright ignore the Prequel crap because otherwise the Jedi are a bunch of morons who just constantly get whooped on and fooled by simple ploys.
Taking that into account, Yoda is cool, very cool, but as Caleb pointed out, in the original comics they stab the shit out of people. You know that roof top fight scene at the end of the first movie? That's at the end of the first issue which consists of the turtles covered in cuts but surrounded by a few dozen bloody and dead Foot Soldiers. They then go on to kick the crap out of Shredder who at the moment of defeat tries to blow up himself with the Turtles only to get his ass kicked off the roof and blows up alone. That's right, in the comics the Shredder is a villian for one issue because he got his punk ass killed by well trained ninja bad asses!
i tried to watch gladiators tonight in honor of your previous blog. but hellga scared me and i turned it off. then i watched the end of office space.
you should try to eat fresh spinach. it is so tasty and can replace meat in a lot of meals :)
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