Crippler

I walked across the field to accompany Cass. She likes having company, even when there isn't much to talk about. It was a nice day so I didn't mind the walk, besides it was giving my legs a little warm up before the game. We saw a lone ultimate player setting up by a far sideline. As we got closer I realized that she was the girl from the other team who badly injured her ankle last week. We approached to say hi and ask if she was ok. My cellphone rang.

It was my brother who I hadn't heard from in a while and would need to visit soon so I felt obligated to answer despite just initiating a conversation with someone. I apologized and picked up the phone.

"Hey, what's up?"

"You checked any boards lately?"

"Can you give me a second?"

"Sure."

I knew right then that something bad was going on. For as much joy as wrestling has given me over the years it also is a business mired in tragedy. The business seems to swallow people whole rather than reward them.

I made small talk with this girl. She was very grateful for how nice our team was to her (I had offered Ibuprofen and IcyHot, Cass had lent a pressure wrap) so she had made us cookies. I was amazed at how nice that was and how happy she seemed despite having a very thick, visible brace on her most likely tender ankle. At the same time, I was burning with dread for what my brother would say as soon as I would speak with him.

We said our goodbyes and I immediately brought the phone to my ear. My brother and I had a brief exchange before he said:

"Chris Benoit and his family were found dead."

The rest of the conversation was just discussing our confusion and speculating as to what could be happening. None of this made sense. I played an awful game that night and our team was crushed by Colyn Flynn's team. Cass played like a stud. My head wasn't in the game. I went home and immediately went on the internet to see if there was anything that could help me make sense of this. I was sad and upset. A lot of this came from the fact that not only was Chris Benoit dead, but his family as well. Wrestlers had died, essentially just from being wrestlers. Eddie, recently. But his family?

I missed Raw that night. Apparently it was an emotional tribute to Chris Benoit. At the time, I was sorry I missed it because it was very heartfelt and real with messages from Chavo and Dean, two of Chris's best friends, as well as others.

I woke up the next morning hoping something would happen that would cheer me up and clear up some confusion. It didn't. The news was indicating that the deaths of Chris Benoit, Nancy Benoit, and Daniel Benoit were the result of a double homicide/suicide perpetrated by Chris Benoit.

All the sadness turned to anger. The confusion remained. How could you have done this Chris? What possible reason could there be?

Frustration has set in. In an act of violence Chris Benoit has made it impossible for me to feel anything but anger towards him. I can't imagine a point when I can watch one of his matches again and enjoy it. WWE had to issue an apology for airing a tribute to him.

How can I mourn a fallen hero when I no longer idolize him and instead resent him? Kirby Puckett abused his wife but when I was young he was one of my heroes. His death was a tragedy. I could remember the good times then. Chris Benoit's death was a senseless act of violence carried out by an unstable man. I cannot remember anything but pain.

I feel sorrow now, for Nancy and Daniel, as well as the surviving members of the family and their loved ones. But mostly I feel anger. I had said that for sixteen years all Chris Benoit did was devote his life to entertaining me as a wrestling fan. That is no longer true. He has taken my ability to be a fan of his away.

Eventually the anger will go away and be replaced by something else. Until then, I just push it away and focus on the good things in my life. These things will no longer include Chris Benoit. And this is his punishment. He will not be remembered or memorialized. He will be resented and despised as he should be.

The confusion will always be there. This will never make sense.

Capricious

Cass has been gone all week. Taking care of the Cheese has been fun but he started limping today so it's possible that she will murder me tomorrow.

My arm was sore for the beginning of the week but it feels fine now. I need to calm down with my throws from the outfield plus frisbee.

Tryouts again this weekend followed by a game. I am psyched but a bit nervous. I am by far the shortest male at the practices so I have to do more to stand out.

It's my last day at my old job (well, until I start my new one, I may pick up some hours on odd days) and all I did up until now was work. This was self driven work. I thought I would check out but I find myself neck deep in a task before I realize that I'm even working. Not to say that I'm having a blast, just my mind is turned off but still running.

I beat Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time last night after a bout of frustration. The game is fun and the puzzle solving is exciting. Too bad they took a lot of it out in the sequels to make way for more fighting, which sucks.

I am reading Moneyball right now. I will do a full review when I'm done but one thing I wanted to say right now is I'd be interested if anyone has done a retrospective on players mentioned in the book. I'll elaborate later. This is how we foreshadow.

I bought my Dad two books for Father's Day: Up Front and The Death of WCW. My father can appreciate WWII cartoon history and wrestling history. If you know that and that he plays golf that's a pretty thorough character sketch right there.

Mouthful of Ledger

O'Halloran was in town for the gala opening of Nicolas's studio. I'm told it was a nice time. I missed it for a work BBQ that was enjoyably relaxed with good food. I did get to drink with K-Hall after and last night as well. It is always a good time when he is around, even if handjobs are the major topic of discussion.

I got a new bike. I bought the Kona Smoke. Thank you Nate for the head's up on this bike as I love it and can't wait to take it on a real ride. I will bike to the game today so that's a little taste of city riding for me. I had them remove the fenders and replace the handlebars as I didn't like the look and feel of the bike with riser bars. I feel like PeeWee Herman riding a bike with risers so unless I was ready to go on a soul searching adventure through America's heartland with a cast of miscreants I wanted a different look for my bike.

Looking forward to Wicked Awesome style gameplay (which sounds like a video game feature) in about an hour. I'm sure we will have a great time.

Cass is in NC. Although I miss her already it is good bonding time with Chuckles. Cass, hope you are having so much fun you don't have time to read this.

I need a haircut.

Gone for a while, but I'm home

I apologize to anyone who reads this blog because you are someone who actively cares about me. I have been away for a good while and instead of having a good excuse or tales of wonder to share this paragraph is just a display of my ineptitude as a writer.

The big news of course is that I was offered a job. Not a job like a place that will employ me for an hourly wage but a career job. I am supposed to start the middle of this month even but we will see if that actually happens. Most importantly, this will keep me in Chicago for a few years at least. I am a combination of excited and terrified with a hint of determination. It feels like my first day of mountain climbing school.

This is news I have to declare. I will post more this week as I should have time to do so.

End communication.