Crippler

I walked across the field to accompany Cass. She likes having company, even when there isn't much to talk about. It was a nice day so I didn't mind the walk, besides it was giving my legs a little warm up before the game. We saw a lone ultimate player setting up by a far sideline. As we got closer I realized that she was the girl from the other team who badly injured her ankle last week. We approached to say hi and ask if she was ok. My cellphone rang.

It was my brother who I hadn't heard from in a while and would need to visit soon so I felt obligated to answer despite just initiating a conversation with someone. I apologized and picked up the phone.

"Hey, what's up?"

"You checked any boards lately?"

"Can you give me a second?"

"Sure."

I knew right then that something bad was going on. For as much joy as wrestling has given me over the years it also is a business mired in tragedy. The business seems to swallow people whole rather than reward them.

I made small talk with this girl. She was very grateful for how nice our team was to her (I had offered Ibuprofen and IcyHot, Cass had lent a pressure wrap) so she had made us cookies. I was amazed at how nice that was and how happy she seemed despite having a very thick, visible brace on her most likely tender ankle. At the same time, I was burning with dread for what my brother would say as soon as I would speak with him.

We said our goodbyes and I immediately brought the phone to my ear. My brother and I had a brief exchange before he said:

"Chris Benoit and his family were found dead."

The rest of the conversation was just discussing our confusion and speculating as to what could be happening. None of this made sense. I played an awful game that night and our team was crushed by Colyn Flynn's team. Cass played like a stud. My head wasn't in the game. I went home and immediately went on the internet to see if there was anything that could help me make sense of this. I was sad and upset. A lot of this came from the fact that not only was Chris Benoit dead, but his family as well. Wrestlers had died, essentially just from being wrestlers. Eddie, recently. But his family?

I missed Raw that night. Apparently it was an emotional tribute to Chris Benoit. At the time, I was sorry I missed it because it was very heartfelt and real with messages from Chavo and Dean, two of Chris's best friends, as well as others.

I woke up the next morning hoping something would happen that would cheer me up and clear up some confusion. It didn't. The news was indicating that the deaths of Chris Benoit, Nancy Benoit, and Daniel Benoit were the result of a double homicide/suicide perpetrated by Chris Benoit.

All the sadness turned to anger. The confusion remained. How could you have done this Chris? What possible reason could there be?

Frustration has set in. In an act of violence Chris Benoit has made it impossible for me to feel anything but anger towards him. I can't imagine a point when I can watch one of his matches again and enjoy it. WWE had to issue an apology for airing a tribute to him.

How can I mourn a fallen hero when I no longer idolize him and instead resent him? Kirby Puckett abused his wife but when I was young he was one of my heroes. His death was a tragedy. I could remember the good times then. Chris Benoit's death was a senseless act of violence carried out by an unstable man. I cannot remember anything but pain.

I feel sorrow now, for Nancy and Daniel, as well as the surviving members of the family and their loved ones. But mostly I feel anger. I had said that for sixteen years all Chris Benoit did was devote his life to entertaining me as a wrestling fan. That is no longer true. He has taken my ability to be a fan of his away.

Eventually the anger will go away and be replaced by something else. Until then, I just push it away and focus on the good things in my life. These things will no longer include Chris Benoit. And this is his punishment. He will not be remembered or memorialized. He will be resented and despised as he should be.

The confusion will always be there. This will never make sense.