The new American Gladiators has debuted with a two-hour premier on Sunday night and a regular hour episode on Monday night. We had been gearing up for this for a while as we all were fans of AG in our youth and remembered the cheap thrills. It was mindless entertainment on a Sunday morning before church and that's how we liked it.
I watched all three hours. It was about what I expected: cheesy, at times boring, at times exciting, and mockable. It was fun to watch with friends, although most of us felt it impossible to watch alone.
I have decided to rank the Gladiators in an attempt to help you all determine which ones to idolize and which ones to scorn alongside those of us watching the show.
The men and women will be ranked seperately. They will be ranked (1-6) in three categories: attractiveness, effectiveness (at the competition), and gimmick/name. The lowest average score among these three will determine the overall standing of the Gladiator. I'm also going to name a classic Gladiator that each new Gladiator reminds me of for no real reason.
MEN
JUSTICEComparison: Laser
Attractiveness: 2
I will admit right now that the attractiveness values for the males are judged in part by the reaction of the females who watched the show with me. I used my judgment on some of these though and he seems like a reasonably attractive guy but too big in general.
Effectiveness: 2
He is massive and has crushed a few competitors in the Gauntlet and shot two people in Assault. I hope someone reads this who has not seen the show and thinks he has killed two people on television.
Gimmick/Name: 4
Doesn't have any particular gimmick but his name leads to announcers making all kinds of puns like "Justice has been served," or "Justice has been brought down on our competitors," or "Justice just shot two people!"
Average: 2.67
MAYHEMComparison: Tower
Attractiveness: 6
Every women in the world could come up to me and tell me Mayhem is gorgeous but he still looks like a tranny to me.
Effectiveness: 6
He stepped across to the opponent's pad twice in a row in Joust and did not stop anyone in Gauntlet. I think I have yet to see him win anything.
Gimmick/Name: 6
His gimmick is that he sucks.
Average: 6
MILITIAComparison: Hawk
Attractiveness: 5
He seems like a decent looking guy to me but he got his shorts ripped open last night and the ladies seemed unimpressed.
Effectiveness: 5
He got injured the first night and went one for two with an ass exposure on the second. He could accidently give a contender a handjob and still be better than Mayhem.
Gimmick/Name: 5
He just salutes a lot. Also, how can one man be a Militia? Can I call myself Navy if I'm a Gladiator?
Average: 5
TITANComparison: Gemini
Attractiveness: 4
He looks like a buff Ken doll. When he was on Battledome as O'Dell he came out with the Dahm triplets. If I weren't scared of my girlfriend I would rank him #1 for that.
Effectiveness: 3
Titan is the professional Gladiator. He knows the rules and will be effective in all events.
Gimmick/Name: 3
He doesn't really have a gimmick either but he looks the most like a Gladiator in the conventional sense (i.e. steroid freak) and his name reflects that.
Average: 3.33
TOAComparison: Sabre
Attractiveness: 1
He is the Rock's cousin and stunt double. The Rock is awesome.
Effectiveness: 4
He did a really good job in Pyramid and the Wall. He would score a lot higher if he hadn't sucked at Powerball.
Gimmick/Name: 1
He has the most unique gimmick/name of all the Gladiators and it actually reflects his heritage (East Islander). He also does a haka.
Average: 2
WOLFComparison: Nitro
Attractiveness: 3
The crowd was divided on this one. Most girls thought he was scary, but Sonia thinks he has a hidden hotness. It should be noted that he is the second hottest Gladiator according to Sonia.
Effectiveness: 1
He rocked the shit in Powerball and Pyramid and went two for three in Hang Tough. He is going to be some sort of animal, but which one?
Gimmick/Name: 2
He howls when he is introduced. This is annoying at times, but his look and attitude make him unique enough to be the Gladiator that will be remembered after the show is canceled first week in February.
Average: 2
Final Standings:
T-1 Toa (2)
T-1 Wolf (2)
3 Justice (2.67)
4 Titan (3.33)
5 Militia (5)
6 Mayhem (6)
Female Gladiators coming soon.
All pictures obtained from NBC.com
10 comments:
i'm impressed with this report and looking forward to the ladies. can i put my vote in for Crush please? very nice work and after also watching all 3 hours, i agree with your assessments.
Nice breakdown. Personally I found the editing to be horrible and the non "live" announcing to be very distracting/alienating. Also it was painfully obvious that the audience were given signs and told how to react to things. NO ONE gets that into the "Goodbye" song.
Best comment I will ever read has been: "Wolf looks like he'd rape a bear for fun."
I say this with all the usual caveats about how I love and respect you: that was the biggest waste of time I've ever spent reading something in the past month. Or maybe week. Still --- how did you have the time to analyze this stuff? If it was The OC characters, sure, but Gladiators. . . .
It didn't take anytime at all really. It's not like I did in depth research or anything.
I tried to make it entertaining even to people who didn't watch the show or don't care about the Gladiators. Sorry if it was boring.
3 hours seems like a lot to watch for a show that I wouldn't feel invested in (different than a football game for a team you've been following.)
I heard it was pretty entertaining though, and I'll check it out when it's at its normal running length.
And just because Colin likes The OC, Gilmour Girls, decorating cupcakes, and having his legs waxed, doesn't mean the rest of us agree.
Well done with the pics and comparisons. (It would be cool to find photos of the original gladiators, but I haven't been able to find any.) Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next update.
This post = Masterpiece
On an interesting note: Titan WAS an original Gladiator, technically a reserve Gladiator who never saw any screen time, but still. And I think I remember hearing somewhere that he's actually a well known all natural body builder.
Don't ask me HOW (there, fixed) or why I know this, like usual I absorbed the information from somewhere.
gladiators or the office...?
i miss the office :(
Cheers for writing about the Gladiators. Becca and I are hooked! I think Wolf is my favorite male because he is actually scary. The Ken doll needs to talk a whole lot less. Stick to kickin' butt man. PS Spent the weekend in Door County and x-country skiied in Penisula. Lovely.
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