Mating a mongoose and a turkey would produce a monkey.

Sorry I've been gone a while. This time it wasn't laziness, but an actual injury that prevented me from blogging. I never thought that I would have a tangible excuse for neglecting the blogosphere.

Time to get caught up on things. I'll try to go chronologically.



The hand
It is healing well now. I had surgery about a month ago now. There is a metal plate and screws in my hand now that supposedly will not set off metal detectors. The surgery was a harrowing experience that taught me one lesson: UIC Hospital is to be avoided. Write that down. I will quiz you later. I was awake for the surgery and got a block on the arm, that is to say the entire arm was completely numb. It felt very weird, like a form of paralysis. Try as hard as I could the arm wouldn't budge. When they were administering the block they gave me wonderful drugs that made me loopy and goofy. I apparently made the doctors laugh enough to have to stop and start again a few times. The surgery itself was supposed to take an hour and wound up taking more than three. What pisses me off the most is how little they were willing to tell me and that no one would admit mistakes after the fact. If someone would just tell me what happened (which I know already regardless since I was awake for the thing) it would make me feel better. The orthopaedist who has seen me for followups is a complete douche. Cass has been with me through all of this and her support has been greatPOP QUIZ Which hospital should be avoided?



Hallowinona
Actually prior to the surgery but not the injury I did go play at Hallowinona. Playing one handed was a new experience. I didn't play as well as I wanted to but I did better than I expected. As far as the amount of fun is concerned I would say this rivaled any Hallowinona, and therefore any frisbee tourney ever. The team was so much fun and played and drank the same way: competitively. Check out pictures here. The indian costumes turned out great and my Warrior makeup made at least me chuckle so I count is as a win.



The Return of Marty
Marty came to visit and it was great to see him. I am happy to say that he has not been Eurofied at all, not that I necessarily expected such an occurence. Marty is a force of nature: he is not changed by his surroundings, his surroundings are changed by him. We had a great time just hanging around and eating Sweet Maple. I really can't wait for Christmas for the MegaMart American Holiday Tour.



A few other random observations:

• Both Dave and I have been missing softball something wicked lately.
• The Burlington is different now but at least they still serve New Glurlington.
• Everyone I know is employed by my girlfriend.
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on TV.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Keep tuned for a drunken post sometime soon.

In stitches.

I haven't blogged in a while because of the hand. Of all the things I do at work, typing is the most awkward.

Now who wants to go see No Country for Old Men with me?

It's broken.

My hand is more stiff than anything else. Interestingly the most common question I get is "Were you safe?", as if this would make the whole thing worth it.

I'm really only pissed because Hallowinona is this weekend. I am still playing for the record.

Marathon Man(ia)

Cass and I volunteered at the Chicago Marathon this past weekend. We worked a Sprint booth looking up runners for people to tell them their pace, when they past checkpoints, etc. We were in Chinatown (Cermak and Wentworth). Some highlights:

-We arrived and locked our bikes to a bike rack on what I thought was the North side of the street. Cass helpfully pointed out that it was the South side.
-Cass got breakfast Chinese hot pockets for 75 cents each. The little c with a line through it on the menu confused her as to how much they wanted for them, thinking maybe it was Chinese currency.
-Sprint helpfully supplied us with black cotton t-shirts for volunteering in 95 degree weather.
-Some spectator came up and asking "What are you guys here for?" My helpful reply: "It's for the marathon."
-We borrowed a chair from some helpful firemen with awesome mustaches.
-I convinced myself that I could outsprint the Kenyan running team for 100 yards on the condition that the race starts 21 miles into them running a marathon.
-We stopped at Panera on the way home for lunch (6.5 hours out in the heat). On the way home was the real highlight of the day but Cass has to tell the story.

This picture disgusts.

When asked how he could make such a blunder considering he is the franchise player for the Cavs, Lebron said: "Maybe the Knicks wouldn't be so bad. They just play terribly, call women b****** and not give a f***. That's funny to me."

Later in the day Mike Ditka was seen in a Favre jersey.

I think they took a team shower with whore juice.

I had a good weekend out of town playing ultimate with the UIC men. We came into the tourney seeded 16th and finished 8th so that's an accomplishment. Our record also fails to illustrate the progress made by many of our inexperienced players. Watching someone catch their first goal in competitive play is wonderful.

I do have one funny anecdote over the weekend I would like to mention. The tournament was hosted by UW-Whitewater. Whitewater, Wisconsin is a small community just across the border on I-90. The team hosted a party at a bar in town. After our game against UWW (1 seed, we took first half, they were upset) we asked them about the party and got our bracelets. They guy handing us bracelets says "Oh, and the Bud Light girls will probably be out." Some guys on the team made the obligatory catcalls.

Fastforward to the party that night at the bar. I am hanging out with Julius getting really drunk (free beer) when all of a sudden I am overcome by the smell of jasmine and skank. I wheel my head to see three clubber girls walking through the crowd towards the back of the bar. The smell really was overpowering and keep in mind this is in a bar in rural(ish?) Wisconsin. Julius and I make a few choice remarks as to the promiscuous nature that the smell implies and then settle in to drinking again.

Later in the evening I feel the aura approaching again and this time I wheel my head to see the same girls now with Bud Light visors on their heads handing out free buttons and bottle openers.

One of the great advantages of Chicago is that when the Bud Light girls are going to be out that means supermodels wearing reavealing spandex. In Whitewater, it means they find three marginally attractive clubrats and dunk them in White Diamonds.

Avoid Whitewater, WI.

Hey everybody, free samples of me.

Cass and I went down to the lakefront yesterday to see the Cool Globes. It was a good time even though we didn't get to see all of them as it was getting dark. Some have solar panels and light up but not enough to view all the other cool globes. Subtle commentary on the failings of solar energy or quiet reflection on missed opportunities?

And now, for no reason at all, my top five t-shirts that I ever made:

5) I (heart) SATAN
4) There is no reason to search me.
3) IGNORE THIS MAN
2) (Picture of Sisyphus)
1) I WAS NEVER COOL

Quiet reflection on how awesome I am or bold statement of how awesome I am?

Does whatever an Iron can.

This is how it's done f*****s.

The fan you don't want.

While watching the Bears game this past weekend I was reminded of all the times I have tuned into sporting events in the middle of a game to watch my team collapse. I can't tell you how many times I would turn on a Brewers game and see them winning 5-0, only to watch them give up six runs in the next two innings. Maybe I'm just imagining this but it seems like anytime I try to actually watch the teams I enjoy I curse them.

Granted, Rex struggled after the half, which is a normal time for things to change, but it still made me wonder. Also, it would be a stretch to call myself a Rex fan.

Am I alone in this experience? Anyone else feel the same way? I honestly remember more times where I tuned in to watch a collapse than I have for a stunning comeback. Maybe I should stop rooting for teams that suck.

"I called it the Caleb point."

I have my new computer now. UPS was kind enough to leave it in our aparment lobby. Just inside the door to the street that doesn't close most of the time. In related news, UPS deliverymen are incompetent baboons.

I played a lot of sports over the weekend. Wicked Awesome's fall highlight reel started on Sunday, featuring the return of Beef Ox. This will be chronicled by someone else with accompanying picture soon enough so I will allow you to satisfy your softball curiosity elsewhere.

On Saturday FUNK had our first tournament of the fall in Naperville. I stayed at the Hatzfield residence the night before to get a good rest. I was feeling reluctant going into this tournament. I was ready to play but not exactly excited. This was a young team and I am now in my later 20s. I can't quite grasp the flavor of this as it alternates from motivating me more and burning me down.

We were supposed to have 27 players there (according to DM). I knew to expect less, however when it was time to start the first game and we had 12 I was a bit bewildered. Apparently confusion is the fuel that drives the Caleb-Train because I played my hardest the first game turning it into my personal mission statement of dedication to the team. I subbed as little as possible while maintaining performance. My best point, and by this I mean of my life not of the weekend, came about half way through the game when both teams were winding down from the initial spurts of energy and suffering a morning lull. I had three layout d's and felt personally responsible for driving my team to the goal. We ended up losing the point on a swilly huck but I still felt accomplished.

The rest of the weekend went much better than expected. We won our pool and played good ultimate until the end of the day post-bye when we failed to get reignited. Cass came and stayed about halfway through the second game. Her parents came and watched the second and third game we played, including a glorious victory on the last point of the game. I really appreciated having an audience.

I don't know what the future holds for my ultimate career. I had however been timid in laying out ever since this spring for a reason so secret I have yet to discover where it came from but its departure signals a welcome rebirth for me and an ominous warning for my opponents. Talking trash on the internet is not new, but neither is me pwning the ultimate field.

P.S. Someone mentioned the lack of pictures on my blog. Since I do not take many pictures I have instead decided to google the title of every post and take my favorite picture from the third page to lead the post. Hope this satisfies the photophiles.

And the fruits of it.

I bought a computer. It should be here soon.

In the meantime, this caught my eye.

When reached for comment, Troy Aikman said: "Your flesh smells like misery. Enjoy the toasted purple and leave my kingdom."

Labor

I took a week off from posting. I don't have a computer at home anymore so my posting is done at work when possible. This past week I had a heavy workload so I never had a chance to post my thoughts on Miss Teen South Carolina or Appalachian State v. Michigan. Both are equally awesome.

It was a long weekend, but not because I had off on Monday. On Saturday Cass, Jay and I helped Nate move. It was hard work but Nate's experience getting a truck was much more laborious.

Sunday I had to go into work. A three to four hour day turned into six as one instrument refused to work properly.

This resulted in me being too tired to do anything on Sat. or Sun. night so I stayed in all weekend.

Monday we tried to go to the beach but couldn't find a parking spot. It was lame and I felt bad for Charlie as he was so excited and then so confused. Then later we went to visit Ed in the hospital. He has meningitis. I gave him a gorilla. My work is done.

Acting Schmacting

Here's a list of actors.

• Christopher Walken
• Will Ferrell
• Vince Vaughn
• Ben Stiller
• Will Arnett

They are all good actors and I have enjoyed a lot of their work.

You know what else they have in common? Casting them in a movie won't save it from being shitty. If a script isn't funny to begin with it these fine men won't be able to generate a miracle. They need something to work with.

Balls of Fury is going to be terrible.

Cardinals wear silly red hats.

Jay and Ross came up and stayed with me this weekend. We went to Cards-Cubs on Friday and saw a relatively boring pitching duel. Watching a game with great pitching when you have no view of the strike zone is not very enthralling. The Cards managed to sweep the Brewers and drop two to the Cubs. This is the worst possible scenario for a Brewers fan, for example me. They have been bad since I was one. I was happy for a while this year.

I was thinking of how Cubs fans may react to that statement. You can say something about 100 years, but the Brewers haven't posted a winning record since 1992. Don't make me throw our incompetence in your faces.

Had a good time this weekend with the boys. Hung out, got drunk, business as usual. I'm really excited to get out and play frisbee again. I don't mind having weeknights to myself now but I do miss being outdoors, even when the weather decides it's Autumn whether our calendar likes it or not.

Superbad is many different kinds of wonderful.

Unnecessary Movie Review: Breakfast at Tiffany's

A bit of background:

IMDB average user rating: 7.8/10

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 84% fresh

Nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay

I had heard this movie was wonderful and a classic. I had heard Audrey Hepburn was divine as Holly Golightly. I had heard that this was a must see amongst my Netflix list now over 100.

This movie is bad.

In all fairness, Audrey Hepburn does a fine job with what she had. She was beautiful and passionate. She could not have done more.

My problems are myriad. I didn't feel anything for the characters. Not an instant of feeling sorry, sad, happy, anything. Every character was unlikable but not even to the point of being interesting. The dialogue was so overdramatic and unbelievable that it took me completely out of the film.

Most of everything in the movie was cliche. Did this movie create a lot of cliches? Maybe, but they are cliches I hate, so this movie can eat fist.

This movie left such a bad taste in my mouth that I don't even feel compelled to make an A*Team joke.

My Most Spirited Blog

I had a great weekend in Naporville playing Ultimate and hanging out with Cass's family. I can't thank them enough for giving me a place to rest after a hard tournament. Having a lake to jump into doesn't hurt either.

We played hard and well despite the intense heat and lack of cloud cover. Big thanks to Keith for coming out and playing a few points when we were low on men as well.

The finals were played between the Flynn brothers. Heckling them was the most fun I had all weekend. I think Colyn Bang-Bang's team beat Matt Bang's.

Cass won the spirit award for our team by a unanimous vote. She has progressed so quickly that in two months her blog will be filled with nonsensical jargon and inside stories that don't interest anyone.

We definitely have a fall league team now. Now we just need confirmation of a Wicked Awesome season for my Autumn to be fantastic.

Dingers!

So this Bonds crap is "over." The whole mess is ridiculous and tragic. Imagine how many up and coming players in the minors are now injecting all kinds of nonsense into themselves, and just so they can play better, not so they can get messed up before fisting some local field-rat.

Is he innocent until proven guilty? I suppose so, but when evidence is mounted against you there comes a point to prove your innocence. He never will, for the record. Even if he could, and I doubt it, the MLBPA will never allow that to happen.

I hate the argument that players these days have to do it in order to be able to compete. This is such utter b.s. players with guilty consciences tell themselves. What about all the players who don't do it and rely on talent to carry them? They didn't have to do anything. These are the players to idolize. It's a real shame too since this was such a good Hall of Fame year with two great baseball idols (Gwynn and Ripken) but their stories were lost amongst the hype.

Bud Selig looks like the Cryptkeeper's wife.

Unnecessary Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

The biggest issue seems to be what to expect when going to see this movie. I approached it with cautious optimism, which I think is the best way to go about it. I didn't expect it to be the same as the classic seasons, but I did expect it to be better than the recent seasons. In this endeavor, I believe the film succeeds.

The movie starts out very strong and stays consistently good for the first half hour. The middle portion of the movie drags a bit but there had to be space to include some story. There are laughs in the middle but just not as frequent or as loud. I found the finish to the movie to be a bit over the top, but in retrospect it is perhaps appropriate given that it is the Simpsons MOVIE.

I have very few complaints about the film. Some of the story elements were a tad trite (Homer and Marge having a crisis of devotion) but they were done effectively I suppose. Some ancillary characters could have used more screen time, most notably Mr. Burns. I should not complain though since he gets the last line of the movie and it is my favorite.

All in all, the movie is good. It satisfied my expectations. It didn't blow me out of the water and reinvigorate my love of the series, but it felt like watching several very good episodes. I'd recommend renting it instead of seeing it in theaters because watching the Simpsons at home feels natural.

Favorite part: The last line like I mentioned. Also, the intro with Ralph set a very good tone for the film.

So long and thanks for all the British slang

Ollie and Ange's going away party was last night. We had a very good time over at CT's. I really enjoyed everyone's company. I missed Janice which means it's been about a month or so since we actually hung out. I will have to correct this soon.

I hope Ollie and Ange have a safe trip and enjoy their time abroad. I will truly miss the two of them and little Lilianna. She is a doll. When she comes back she will not know who I am (still) and speak mostly Spanish.

Favorite Britishisms Ollie taught me:

-Axe Wound
-Chav
-WHACK IT!!!


Buena suerte.

The troll is angered.

A big bridge collapsed. One I had driven on many times. I feel sorry for their loved ones, but I find myself wondering about the guy who was the last car to get across safely. I wonder if he felt the ground shaking and just slammed the gas, making it across as the concrete was crumbling behind him like in a cartoon.

Now every community in the country will demand that their bridges be updated for safety. No need to worry Grandma, we have reinforced the three foot span over Quietwood Creek.

Sorry if that last part sounded dismissive. I do have a heart, but it is constantly getting his ass kicked by my brain because he wields a deadly blade called sarcasm.