Casting decisions

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy making this post. For real. It took a while. You'll see why in a bit.

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"I don't even know where Asia really is."

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Cass and I went to Milwaukee a couple weekends back. We had a great time visiting with my family. Big thanks to Luke and Katie for putting us up. We also got to hang out with my friends and Cass got to watch me get drunk like a teenager again. She has a story if you want to ask. You should. She loves to tell it.

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"What happened to the legend of Floppy Socks?"

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We had a movie night again, this time featuring the best of "The Last" and the debut of my new TV. We had a blast and it was well attended. Thanks to all who made it out and to those who haven't I encourage participation soon. We will probably make it a monthly thing.

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"Are you all following the subplots in this movie? 'Cuz there's like two of them."

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And finally, what I was building to:

The cast of Brian and Liz, the sequel to Megan and Marty. I meant to get this up soon after the wedding but got delayed. Changes from the original cast were made for artistic/aesthetic reasons. Check the pictures if you got the email (hint Page 29 first two pics) for inspiration. Cass had creative input and editorial approval on all of these except hers.

Brian...Jason Statham

Liz...Renee O'Connor

Colin...Joshua Jackson

Kristin...Alison Lohman

Dave...Ross McCall

Mendy...Rachel Leigh Cook

Matt...Zach Braff

Martha...Shannyn Sossamon

Max...Jason Sudeikis

Simone...Emily Blunt

Kevin...David Krumholtz

Jenny...Rachel Billson

Nate...Michael Cassidy

Kate...Herself

Nate...Colin Hanks

Laura...Allison Mack

Marty...Ryan Phillipe

Megan...Marla Sokoloff

Jay...Adrien Grenier

Angela...Amy Acker

Nicholas...Arj Barker

Rachel...Rachel Nichols

Cal...Charlie Day

Cass...Rhona Mitra

Happy Thanksgiving y'all

There's a place out on the edge of town, sir
risin' above the factories and the fields
Now, ever since I was a child, I can remember
that mansion on the hill
In the day you can see the children playing
on the road that leads to those gates of hardened steel
Steel gates that completely surround, sir
the mansion on the hill
At night my daddy'd take me and we'd ride
through the streets of a town so silent and still
Park on a back road along the highway side
Look up at that mansion on the hill
In the summer all the lights would shine
There'd be music playin', people laughin' all the time
Me and my sister, we'd hide out in the tall cornfields
Sit and listen to the mansion on the hill
Tonight down here in Linden Town
I watch the cars rushin' by, home from the mill
There's a beautiful full moon rising
above the mansion on the hill

Wedding wedding wedding wedding Wedding wedding Wedding

"We, as a group, look very good."

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Brian and Liz's wedding was great. I don't think that group of friends has had a more complete gathering in many years. It was great to see so many people I don't get to see often enough. Highlights for me include:

-best man speech

-DJ's attempted recognition of CPD met by unbridled apathy from the officers

-Cass getting drunk and proudly announcing that she had at least 3 1/2 glasses of wine

-realizing I have friends (plural) who know all the words to HollaBack Girl

-little kids breakdancing

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"So you didn't rally?"

"Does rally mean sleep? Then yeah I did."

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Dave and I started a baseball blog so as not to overload our personal blogs with that stuff. If you are interested check it out.

NL Central Stage

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"Get me some Combos!"

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It's officially the offseason because I have to adjust my schedule to not having things to do three days a week. I'm trying to run or workout every day but having so much more free time when it's dark outside is lame. At least my Netflix queue will see more activity.

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"You guys really have your stuff together."

The precipice

Black man doing his thing.

Oops, I mean black man doing his thing.

We accomplished something historic on Tues. night. I don't think we realize the effects this will have just yet. Cass has said that she hopes that at the very least it will impact young black children and give them a new role model. I hope that it impacts all young people, of course.

People have said that they are afraid for him. Read that article linked above to understand how he feels about it. Rest assured that he is more aware of his challenges than you or I could hope to be.

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"I hope to God he starts his speech with 'S*** just got real.' "

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We accomplished something historic this weekend too in that we won Hallowinona. For conquering the mixed division and defending the Wasteland we were allowed to smash a pumpkin.

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"Stop making so many calls!"

"Stop making so many travels!"

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Brian's wedding is coming up fast. I'm psyched, although we may have some careful planning involved in our attendance.

Was there ever a wedding episode of The Wire? If there was, I hope it's just like that.

The episode of Muppet Babies where Scooter gets spinal meningitis.

I've finally settled back into routine, a revelation that is simultaneously relieving and depressing.

I had a really fun weekend this past weekend. In fall league ultimate I had one of the best days of city league I have ever had. We played with only three guys, which means no subs all day but all three of us toughed it out. Our girls played great as well, especially Cass who had a full speed layout grab that really should have been caught on film. Florida, where were you?

Softball season is over for Cass, Dave and I. We miss this weekend for Hallowinona. It occured to me this past weekend that in a six team recreational league we are the only team out there playing to have fun and play the game. Every other team is playing for the win no matter what. The team we played used the windy conditions to draw walks and used the free walk rule on several occasions. Very few of these teams will even banter with us either. It is a shame because when I do get to play teams that play our style it is everything I want softball to be. When they don't, it is more of a chore than a game.

I subbed for Woody's Tue. night team last night and had the worst day at the plate of my entire life. At least Jeremy was the ump so it was alleviated by trash talk.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Things we did in Europe while not getting engaged.

We walked to the front of the store with water in hand. When we got to the register there was a clearly frustrated customer with her stuff on the counter but no cashier in sight. The woman turned to Cass and began talking loudly right at her. Cass looked horrified and slowly removed her water from the counter, offering a polite "I'm sorry." The woman realized Cass spoke no Catalan and immediately laughed.

Later, Cass remarked "At least she thought I was Spanish."

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Later we stopped at Le Mystery Brick Homme Cafe and Le Homesexual Ninja Patisserie.

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(retelling the story of Cass having an allergic reaction in Bridgeport)

Me: Cass just throw up in the street.

Ollie (imitating Cass): I'd rather die!

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Cass ordered a sandwich in the town of Sitges that had camembear (don't care about sp) cheese that stunk so bad the woman at the next table moved to the furthest end of the cafe porch.

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They have huge racks of these bikes all over Barcelona that resident members of the program can rent out. It's free for the first hour so you can bike across town and drop the bike off at a rack once you reach your destination, or, if you are an awesome dad, bungee your adorable daughter in the front rack and bike her around.

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Cost of pay toilets in the busier parts of Paris: 1 E (Is E the symbol for Euro?)
Cost of entry into Rodin's garden to view The Thinker, other great statues, and a beautiful garden with public restrooms: 1E

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Cass's first try

Caleb's first try.

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Post-trip question that occurred to me: how does Cass deal with planes?

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Our album jacket.

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Cass: You gonna put that story in your blog and smoke it?

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I roamed the streets of BCN searching for a shop with a generic Fabregas Spain jersey. The closest I found was a shop that offered to make one for 30 E. I pressed on, confident in my ambivalence about the whole thing. First souvenir store I entered in Paris I found a generic Fabregas Arsenal jersey for 12 E. C'est bon.

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The ugliest damn bridge in Europe.

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The Louvre is immense and exhausting. A word of advice to anyone going: pick a wing you think you'll like and just try to see it at a reasonable pace. We saw two wings in about three hours and we all needed a nap. There are just paintings everywhere and it is a lot to absorb. Cass's uncle played tour guide and he didn't dawdle. I appreciate wanting to see everything but it can be a bit overwhelming. We did see the Mona Lisa, Michealangelo's slave statues, and the nipple tweaking painting, which are all must sees for anyone visiting.

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Every European: What do you think of the financial crisis going on?
Me: Well it started when we left and I don't watch the news here since I don't really speak the language that well so I guess what do you think of the financial crisis going on?

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The Fountainhead (a pun)

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Oliver: You're gonna start thinking you're a little bit better than your friends when you get back.
Megan: I think that now.

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We didn't encounter a lot of European snobbery or anti-American sentiment. Every so often we would notice glances or sighs but most people were very friendly when they found out we were American. I think they appreciate when you try to speak their language and they get to practice their English. In BCN we were fortunate because my biggest obstacle is mixing up Spanish and French which ends up being a kind of Catalan, which a lot of people appreciate. In Paris, people were genuinely friendly and most spoke at least some English, which was only a problem once.

We were eating dinner in a garden. There were two girls smoking on a bench about 20 feet from us. One came over and began asking for something in French that I couldn't translate. We stood and made confused gestures/noises to each other for a little until a different couple walked by and the girl asked them how to say what she wanted in English: tissue. I handed her a napkin and said "serviette" in French. She said "merci" and wiped the bird poop off her arm before returning to her seat. I couldn't figure out what the problem was because most French people say "kleenex." We asked Cass's aunt the next day and it turns out she was asking for a handkerchief. How many people carry handkerchiefs now? Who am I: Morley?

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Who's that a statue of in the middle of the Parisian street? Oh, that's just George m*th*rf*ck*ng Washington.

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Overheard in a Parisian street by Cass from a couple in an obnoxious American accent: Don't they have any crepes here?
Five creperies within eyeshot.

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Caleb: How does anything get done here with people showing up to work hungover and then taking four hours worth of breaks over the day?
Angela: It kind of doesn't.

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For Dave: What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! Hey!

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Things the French are good at: Chocolate, museums, attractive women
Things they are not good at: cheese, cleaning up after dogs, attractive men

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We stopped by a flea market where Chas Tenenbaum had a booth set up.

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Fun things/sayings we picked up in BCN:
kennel cough - the colds kids get at daycare
claras - half beer/half lemon Fanta; a kind of shanty that's very refreshing
Dave's souvenir - a homemade stegosaurus hand puppet

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We are Americans, and we are awesome.

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Oliver: People always rag on British food and then they hand me this (garlic and tomato spread on bread) for Catalan food and that's when I'm offended.

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"I can't believe we got sick. We never get sick. Poopaloop." She looks at me and she smiles...

So out of it

We saw a commercial last night advertising some huge event on the Disney Channel that featured a lineup of "huge pop stars." They rattled off a list of names and I could not identify a single celebrity mentioned.

I know that the Disney Channel isn't necessarily the apotheosis of cool but it just further illustrates that I am getting older and more out of touch with what is in. I can't help but recall the Simpsons Hullabalooza episode and Homer's flashback of Abe saying: "I used to with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary."

Susan and Cass both agreed that we were growing away from what was considered hip. I never was into pop but I at least knew who the top acts were.

Who the hell is Zac Effron?

I told Cass and Sooz that the people of our generation at least have the option of becoming a hipster douche and just judging what everyone else thought was cool. I personally can't afford a new wardrobe, and because mine is most certainly not hip it would be necessary to pull the transition off, so I am therefore relegated to just getting older and more out of touch.

I don't really mind. I'll just back out of the room, double middle fingers in the air, and scream "Wildcard, bitches!!!"

We leave for Spain on Tuesday. I'm excited. It's great that so many of our friends are taking off on adventures right now. When we are done we will have to come together and write a book. Jay gets dibs on the beatnik wanderer portion.

Point and laugh

I had an Ultimate tourney this past weekend but it was disappointing so I don't want to go into it, which is fortunate for those of you who don't care to read it.

A huge story in the world of real sports happened this past weekend. Tom Brady went down with a season ending injury to his knee. This made me think of two things: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts soon (Season 3 DVD out now! Hell yes.) and the nature of schadenfreude.

For some reason I associate schadenfreude with hipsters and yuppies of our generation. I don't really see it in the baby boomers, although it almost certainly exists. Our generation is defined by cynicism, and for some reason this goes hand in hand with schadenfreude.

I don't have any real good explanation for why schadenfreude exists. I just accept it as being. This makes it difficult to determine if it is wrong. It may just be normal. I don't consider myself above it. I have had my moments.

I think I've decided that I am happier in a world with schadenfreude. If every story about Tom Brady's injury was teary-eyed it would be a cotton ball world that would be far too annoying. Also, they wouldn't allow drugs there.

Suck it, Pretty Boy.

A tactic of considerable power

"I forgot to remind you that the apocalypse is tonight."

"Oh crap. I forgot to study."

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A welcome surprise this weekend as the first ever tournament for Hand Grenade resulted in a 5-1 record with a loss coming in the championship game for the Open B division. I could not have hoped for better out of a ragtag bunch of misfits that seemed like they would never get it together but ended up winning by using a trick play at the last minute. I seriously was so happy to be playing and to see things come together as well as they did was a huge relief.

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"Nevermind information. We're playing roadside Jeopardy now."

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Cass came with me over the weekend and we got to relax a bit at my brother's place. It was nice to have her with especially after a long day of trying to keep everything organized and still keep focused on my own play. She got to play a bit and destroyed a bunch of college freshmen. The bright sun in the cloudless sky could not dissuade them from removing their shirts and showing off their physique. It doesn't bother me too much that they stare at my girlfriend while she wreaks havoc on the field.

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"The greatest trick Caleb's beard ever pulled was convincing the world that it didn't exist."

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I heard Wicked Awesome's season came to an end over the weekend in less than glorious fashion but it matters not. This season was a resounding success on virtually all fronts. Save for a couple weeks in the middle when I was stressed out and not fun on the field this was the best season of softball of my entire life. I have my teammates to thank for that, each and every one of them.

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"You can only break my heart so many times before I stop going through your garbage at night."

Ranking the Gladiators (New Recruits)

A new season of gladiation is upon us and with that a new set of faces to learn to be fearful of but mostly laugh at. I am now going to reduce these human beings' accomplishments and physical characteristics to mere numbers for my own amusement.

The rankings will be based on the previous rankings to see where the new kids fit onto the block.

MEN

BEAST
Comparison: Thunder

Attractiveness: 5.5
I cannot describe to you the terror of the prospect of making love to, and subsequently being torn in half by, this man. Wait, yes I can. Picture that.

Effectiveness: 3.66
I've only seen him in one event so far and he destroyed both oppenents in the Joust. However, I found his technique lacking and am unsure of his mobility. I'm sort of hedging my bets on this one lest my expertise on Gladiknowledge be questioned.

Gimmick/Name: 1.5
He's lowered from the ceiling in a cage and acts scary but isn't forced to speak gibberish. He only loses points for wearing furry barbarian style trunks. Gladiators are all about spandex and always have been. You don't get to buck the trend to look like Kull the Conqueror.

Average: 3.55

Hurricane
Comparison: Malibu

Attractiveness: 4.5
Are they really trying to appeal to the teenage girl/boys who dress in girl's clothing market? Is that really a niche that American Gladiators thinks they can exploit?

Effectiveness: 3.33
He's been decent in everything, including knocking two contestants off in Sideswipe. He'd be a decent pick to root for if it weren't for everything else about him.

Gimmick/Name: 5.5
I have so many issues with this (hair color, what that has to do with his name, etc.) but don't want to go into it here as he may see this and cry. I don't want to be responsible for his eyeliner running.

Average: 4.44

ROCKET
Comparison: Viper

Attractiveness: 0.5
Rocket is such a pretty man that he broke my scale.

Effectiveness: 1.67
Unbeaten on the Wall because he rocks, he has now taken to climbing above his opponents and taunting them from above. It is as funny as it sounds. We probably won't see him in Powerball anytime soon though as that event is only awesome when the contestants are outweighed by 100 lbs.

Gimmick/Name: 2.5
He is a goofball and smiles all the time. I enjoy this but can't give him high marks for it. I understand it's hard to give the winning contender a gimmick, but they didn't really try.

Average:1.55

ZEN
Comparison: Quake

Attractiveness: 1.5
That might be a high ranking, but the prospect of being crushed by a 250 lb. musclebeast seems less appealing, putting him well ahead of a lot of the pack.

Effectiveness: 1.67
Zen is awesome! He comes out all like WATAHHH and goes like WOOSH WOOSHIE up the Wall.

Gimmick/Name: 4.5
How being thrown off a climbing wall by a small asian man could help you attain tranquility is beyond my comprehension.

Average:2.55

WOMEN

JET
Comparison: Zap

Attractiveness: 1.33
Only losing points for her tramp stamp, Jet has been a favorite since she was a contestant. Her abs can kill small mammals.

Effectiveness: 1.5
She has been awesome on the Wall and despite being smaller has shown more tenacity when thrown into physical events like Pyramid than I could've reasonably expected for a cute soccer mom.

Gimmick/Name: 2.5
It's a good name and a gutsy decision for the producers to name her after Benny from The Sandlot.

Average: 1.77

PANTHER
Comparison: Panther (hawhaw)

Attractiveness: 4.5
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ok, to be fair I researched and found out she has Scary Spice syndrome. Still, she will haunt my nightmares.

Effectiveness: 3.5
We haven't seen much of her and for the most part I was too busy losing my next three erections to notice how well she did.

Gimmick/Name: 4.5
If they were going to go ahead and make her look like that the least they could have done is name her Succubus.

Average: 4.16

PHOENIX
Comparison: Diamond

Attractiveness: 1.67
Look for this ranking to increase when her and Crush compete next week in the new event "Gladiator Makeout Session." Wait, that was a dream I had.

Effectiveness: 2.67
She destroyed in her debut but it was a terrible event that bored me terribly. She has been decent since but I haven't been paying attention for like the opposite reason of Panther.

Gimmick/Name: 1.5
She comes out with wings on and the addition of accessories opens up a world of possibilities in my imagination, for future Gladiators and other things.

Average: 1.94

STEEL
Comparison: Storm

Attractiveness: 5.5
Her hips are wider than a Buick.

Effectiveness: 2.33
She levelled a contender in Injuryball with an open form tackle. She hasn't done anything else impressive but a single forearm shiver can do wonders.

Gimmick/Name: 5.5
Her gimmick is that she never talks. She either has no mic skills, a horrible voice, or a producer decided to give her the dream wife gimmick.

Average: 4.44

All pictures courtesy of NBC.com

It was a dark and stormy night...

I haven't been myself of late.

I have been moody and volatile. In general this has a caustic affect on those around me. This is particularly troubling since in the recent past I have been surrounded by many friends and few foes.

I apologize for this as I feel that I have been at best a subpar friend. I can understand why many of you would confuse me for a malcontent and prefer to avoid my company. Please accept my deepest apologies.

The most troubling part about this is that I can find no reason to attribute this alarming shift for the morose. This is a busy time for work but I do not typically bring these troubles home. I cannot imagine what has caused my mood to sour but I honestly rather it would simply vanish than for me to discover the root of this problem.

It is also distressing that this happened in the recent past as well. For a period of a month or so I was feeling the same way. Jay's wedding seemed to bring me out of this downward spiral only to find myself in the midst of a relapse. Distressing is the only word I can think to use but I hate reusing words. I find this distressing.

I particularly feel as though I have not been a good boyfriend of late. Cass, know that you mean more to me every day and that you have never been the cause of anything but good for me.

I'm sorry. I ask you all to bear with me.

Gathering dust

I have been really inactive in the blogging community as of late. I apologize for this, not so much for neglecting my own blog as for neglecting others'. I feel it is important to show that I am interested in my friends' lives but I have done a poor job of that as of late. This post examines why.

I haven't been particularly depressed or busy as of late. It's not that I am constantly weeping in my room or running around finding treasure and escaping danger. That being said it is also not that I haven't had things to write about at all. Jay and Valerie's wedding in particular deserves a post but I just haven't done it.

I think part of the reason for this is my recent setbacks in Ultimate. Let me explain. At the time of my last post (about a month ago) I was in the middle of training for tryouts for local club teams. These teams are competitive and fun and I was dedicating myself to making one of them. I was excited at the opportunity to improve my level of play and enjoy the upcoming club season by playing with friends. As it turns out, this would not come to pass as I was cut from all three teams I tried out for. I didn't want to complain about this or go into detail about what I needed to improve. I didn't want to talk about it at all. As such, since it was the biggest thing going on for me at the time, I didn't post. I instead just left my blog in stasis.

We also hit the end of the Spring League season. My team (pictured above) had lost only one game but managed to get screwed out of a bye at the last minute. As such, we didn't have a full roster at game time during the tournament and lost to the lowest rank team in the league. This didn't make me happy either and I didn't want to write about it at the time because it may have been just an unending stream of curses and I didn't want to have to google that for a picture.

So that's what's been going on with me. I am not depressed or hectic, just unmotivated. I apologize again for not commenting on blogs.

I offer no promises.

Spring blooms eternal, order turns to chaos, children laugh.

Holy crap has nothing been going on.

It's spring now, at least. That means being outside finally. Spring league ultimate is going well. Our team is filled with fun people and good ultimate players. That makes this year one of the best ever. I'll post pictures of the jerseys when they are ready.

Other than that, it has been work and not doing much. Dave and I were on a nostalgia trip and reinstalled Diablo 2 so we have been playing that every so often.

Cass moved and is continually in the process of organizing. Poop-a-loop. Thanks to Dave and Colin for the help.

Just to fill space, time for a stupid survey thing:

1) What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

A donuts.

2) Have you ever kissed anyone named Matt?

No.

3) What does your last text message say?

Cass telling me she loves me.

4) What was the last song you listened to?

MIA-Paper Planes

5) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?

In this unlikely scenario I would most likely just find the most generic funeral music possible and take a nap. Ideal candidates include American Pie and Desperado.

6) What did you do yesterday?

Worked, took the jerseys to be printed, played catch with Cass, ate salmon, watched Miller's Crossing, watched The Office, slept.

7) Pick a scar on your body - what did you do?

Had my appendix removed.

8) How would you describe your best friend in one word?

Bunny.

9) Last time you were dumped?

High school, but I have been rejected enough times since then to make up for all the lost relationships.

10) Who's your most religious friend?

Mike Morley.

11) Who do you trust with your life?

Everyone who I do already knows.

12) If you could change your name to anything what would it be?

Maximillian Turbo.

13) What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?

Tell Andre to stop calling me at four in the morning.

14) Do you trust all of your friends?

Without hesitation. I can't imagine being friends with someone I didn't.

15) Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

Absolutely. I will follow Jordan Ladd to the ends of the Earth.

16) Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

No. I know what you mean here and no.

17) Which one of your top friends do you think would make the best prostitute?

Thinking about this I realized that I am friends with a lot of beautiful women but without hesitation I answer David Morley.

18) Who is the nicest person you know?

Cass or Sonal. If they had a nice off it would be the most adorable event in competetive gaming history.

19) What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?

Make someone smile when they see our spring league jerseys.

20) If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?

My dad to say "Hey, you were supposed to unplug me."

21) Would you make a good parent?

Hell yes, I'm going to be great once I start taking care of my kids.

22) Where was your profile picture taken?

Athens, Greece.

23) Honestly, what's on your mind right now?

I haven't been to a good concert in a long time.

24) Who knows you the best?

Probably Luke just because he's been around for most everything that has happened to me.

25) When is the last time you liked someone?

Right nowish.

26) What are your plans for the weekend?

Partying in Palmer, playing ultimate, and going to Cass's closing.

27) What's your favorite saying?

To make it in this world you have to be ever so smart or ever so pleasant. For years I was ever so smart. I recommend pleasant.

28) Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?

Yes.

29) Have you ever punched a tree?

I have mercilessly beaten so many trees it is astounding to reflect on.

30) Have you ever snuck out of your house/someone in your house?

I can't honestly remember ever doing this. Do parties while the folks are away count?

31) How would you describe your relationship with your best friend?

Horny.

32) Morning or night person?

Night.

33) Are you there for your friends?

Screw those jerks.

34) Do you like to spend time with people?

Yes.

35) Are you a forgiving person?

Yes.

36) Would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?

WTF no.

37) Have you lost a friend recently?

No.

38) Are you talking to someone while doing this?

No.

39) Do you want a relationship right now?

Outside of my current one? Hmmm.

Non-trad

Tom and Erin's wedding this past weekend was enjoyable. We had a lot of fun hanging out with friends and eating good food.

The wedding itself was very nontraditional. The ceremony was held in a Unitarian church and was over in about 30 minutes. The vows were written by the bride and groom and were funny in a cute way. They seemed to enjoy doing them.

The reception was unorganized although not necessarily in a bad way. No assigned seating meant we could choose to sit with whomever we prefered wherever we prefered. Except that we chose the head table (unmarked) and were promptly relegated to the corner. The food was family style serving which allowed for large portions and was excellent. The music was a playlist set up by Tom on his iPod. The dance floor was disappointingly small but the crowd was disappointingly not into dancing and vanished soon after dinner. We still managed to dance to many wonderful songs, ending with the epic "Fernando." Thanks Tom.

Also: awesome first dance.

It was a great time hanging out with Marty and Megan of course, but also Ross, Howie, Ben, Tom, and Britney. Also many thanks to Jay and Valerie for putting us up on their futon. I was waiting to post this until they sent us pictures but Jay is still trying to figure out how to make the magic box make drawing fly through space.

We then drove to Indiana where I played some Ultimate with the UIC guys. Many swilly hucks were had by all.

Las Vegas Part 3: Insomnia, Intoxication, Income, and In Transit

This post is long because it encompasses everything I did on my last days in Vegas. I'd apologize for the length but this is an epic and it's f*ck*ng awesome.

What are the two things I will do on every vacation I take? Sleep and drink. I don't have an addictive personality and do not consider myself an alcoholic, however I will sleep in every chance I get.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I was awoken on the Sunday morning to a clearly startled Marty frantically getting his things into his bag. It takes me a while to get my bearings (as it does every mornings when I zombie walk to the pantry for the cereal and usually trip over something) so I didn't really understand what was going on. Marty had intended to wake up to go join Tom, Ross, Newman, and Matt to go watch Mark try to indoor skydive. He had set his alarm for this purpose but I slept through that. I inquired why he was in a rush and if he intended on joining Tom to spectate a large man flopping around in an attempt to float in the air. Marty informed me that he in fact had misread his departure time for his flight (he believed to be 5pm Vegas time, that was in fact the time his connecting flight left for London from some sh*th*l* in Ohio) and only had an hour to get to the airport. I paused briefly to laugh and wish him luck before rolling back over.

As I laid there contemplating my weekend thus far and thinking about Cass (don't think I'm getting too gushy, I made up for this later) I heard Marty leave and the room became that eerie sort of quiet dark that only happens in hotel rooms. I laid there for some time pausing to shift uncomfortably and check the time. I noticed Zach was still out and possibly dead. I noticed I had only gotten three and a half hours of sleep thus far. I noticed a distinct lack of anything interesting happening. I also noticed a distinct lack of my ability to fall asleep. I don't know why this was; I should have been unconscious the second I rolled back over and I closed my eyes (this is my SOP) but I wasn't. I laid in this aggravating state for forty minutes before I decided it was enough and I arose and took a shower, but not before flipping off the bed and thinking it was funny thing to do.

After my shower I realized it was still a little early for me to get ahold of people, with the exception of those already at the indoor skydiving place but that was across town. Everyone else was still asleep. I left voicemails for people telling them to get ahold of me as soon as they were around. I then ate some popcorn and cleaned up my bag. Cass had bought me some Garrett's popcorn for my trip. This had spilled partially into my backpack (thankfully it wasn't in my clothing bag). I ate the few handfuls in the bottom of the bag and threw away the crumbs. My book and travel kit required some light dusting but otherwise everything was intact. Now that I had successfully killed fifteen minutes by doing chores, I realized I needed to find something to do.

I decided my best bet was to go watch some sports at a sportsbook. It seemed as good an option as any since it was something I could do while rested without losing money. I headed to the MGM since I was familiar with it and plopped myself down in a chair. I watched some sports for a good hour at least before I finally got a call from someone.

Jay and Tom called me about the same time so we decided to rally the troops together to get breakfast/lunch. It was about 45 minutes before we could all gather since people needed showers and to get back from the skydiving place. Once we were all together, we made the decision to head to the Orleans to hit that buffet. Jay and I had visited Vegas about four years prior with our buddy Denny. Denny had a friend Scott who lived in Vegas and at the time was a dealer at the Orleans. Scott put us up in his apartment and showed us around. We spent most of our time gambling at the Orleans since it was Scott's home turf and it is a pretty fun casino despite it being about two to three miles from the strip. The buffet there was good then so we were hoping it would be still good and cheap.

I was starving by this point since it had been about eighteen hours since my last meal and I had only gotten 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Jay makes the genius decision of walking to the Orleans. We knew it was off the strip I just couldn't remember how far, probably because last time I was in Vegas we either drove or drunk stumbled everywhere. A good hour walk later we finally arrived. In Jay's defense it was nice to be walking outside in good weather compared to the Midwest in February. In Jay's offense he is a bastard.

We went to the buffet and it was as good as we remember and only sixteen bucks. Zach had awoken by this time and cabbed it over to join us for lunch. I was starving but managed to eat reasonably healthy (for a buffet anyway) by getting a fruit plate and plenty of veggies in my make-it-myself burritos. Jay had a plate of fried food and ribs. The juxtaposition of those two sentences should have hit you by now.

After eating some of the boys wanted to stick around and spend some time on the casino floor. We decided this was worthy because free drinks and gambling with friends always sounds like a good time but also George Carlin had a show that night at the Orleans so we could stick around and possibly go see him. Initially Ross, Tom, Newman and I checked to see if a good movie was playing to pass the time (no In Bruges unfortunately) but were unable to find anything worthwhile. So alcohol, gambling and cocktail waitresses it was.

One of the reasons I wanted to take the boys to the Orleans was because I had described to them the ridiculousness of the uniforms that the Orleans casino cocktail waitresses wear. I hoped they hadn't changed. They fortunately hadn't. Basically the outfit looks like management told the girls to dress up in lingerie for their boyfriends and then come in to work. You can see more than 70% of the ass in these through the sheer nylons (I did measure using my trusty calipers). This has two fortunate effects: 1) it is awesome getting drinks, and 2) the girls at the Orleans tend to be very attractive. At other casinos with more modest uniforms there tend to be older waitresses with less polish. At the Orleans it takes a degree of confidence and tone to be able to wear that uniform around so the ones that do it are the ones that look good. In conclusion, the Orleans is a nice place to bring your family.

After a little bit of craps ($40 lost for me) and a few drinks we sidled up as a group to the Paigow tables. Paigow poker is a type of poker in which you make two hands. The house has to beat both or you have to beat both of the house's hands or else it is a push. Basically you can play Paigow for a long time and drink for free. We played for a while with us constituting one and a half tables so it was a lot of fun joking with friends, drinking, and not losing that much money. At some point we decided to give each other Vegas names, that is fake names we can use when we are going to get into trouble or just for fun. Mine was Clint. Taking the cake, by far, was Ross who chose NewMexico Explosion as his name. There are pornstars who would be too embarrassed to use that name. We all became very intoxicated by this point, especially Ross. Our dealers changed and an attractive Asian girl with dyed blond hair sits down. Ross, obviously drunk and obviously hitting on her, says "Wow, you're the first non-Asian I've had dealing this game." She, along with the rest of us just stare at him for a moment. She then rejoins "I'm from Thailand." We gave her the name Sylvia Goldenrod.

More drinks and gambling abounded for the next several hours. We were having a great time and missed seeing George Carlin but none of us were too concerned. We then decided to head back to the strip, but not before grabbing dinner (it was about 8pm) at In-and-Out Burger. This choice proved costly later. While there Ross was drunk and beligerent enough to loudly insist that Sylvia Goldenrod was not Asian. We then cabbed it back to our hotel to regroup.

I don't remember the next three hours.

We then ended up at the Luxor. Along the way we had lost Tom, Newman, and Phil due to stomach problems that they attributed to In-and-Out Burger but don't believe their lies (In-and-Out Burger is awesome). This left myself, Jay, Ross, Uriah, and Zach to continue partying. I had been dying to hit the poker tables again with renewed confidence so I headed there immediately despite no one wanting to join me. Luckily there were two full tables ($1/$2 no limit) going strong.

I already told you about Vegas poker players (they suck) and their strategies (they suck). I won't go into it again or bore you with details of individual pots won or how awesome I am since you already know that if you have been reading this for this long. I will be succinct and say this: there was no getting accustomed to the table/players period, I just started pwning the table immediately and identified my marks (including a guy with a long neckbeard, too funny). At about 4:30am I walked away from the table up $275 which immediately went up my nose. Not really but that seemed like an awesome way to end that sentence.

Again, I kept drinking while playing poker despite being the only one at the table doing so. I was really drunk as I walked over to New York New York to meet up with the rest of the boys. I was still jacked from my poker winnings, which basically put me at even for the weekend so I wasn't feeling tired at all. When I got there, the boys were relaxing by the slots chatting with Amy, a cool cocktail waitress Jay had met two nights earlier. She was really fun and nice and wanted to go out drinking with us when her shift ended. Her shift ended at 8am. That would mean staying up for a while and basically mean that I would not be getting any sleep before going to the airport. I debated the options for about twelve seconds before being told to man up by Jay. I called his bluff and ordered a round of Jaegermeister shots. "Who's manning up now, biatch?" is what I tacitly exclaimed.

I stayed up with them, doing a small amount of gambling (slots) but mostly just drinking and hanging out. It seemed to take forever for Amy to get done with work, especially when she disappeared for an hour around 6:30 am for her break. (Why would one get a break that shortly before leaving? Are business practices in casinos really this bizarre? They make enough money to give away booze yet have lacking personnel policies.) Regardless, we headed over to the MGM bar for a drink. Zach (who shared the room with Marty and I if you remember) had to leave shortly for his flight, which was scheduled to leave shortly after 11am. It was now nearing 10am. As I stood there I realized since my flight left shortly before 2pm and checkout time was 11am anyway I might as well checkout with Zach and head to the airport with him. We said our goodbyes (unfortunately missing Tom, Newman, and Phil) and rushed over to the airport.

We both printed our tickets and made our way to the security check. We were greeted with a line that stretched from one end of the terminal to the other despite winding aisles at the actual security stations. It actually took us a full ten minutes of walking to reach the end of the line. It looked like some bizarre exodus of glitzy refugees that all shop at Old Navy. Regardless, we waited the requisite time in line and made it through no problem.

We grabbed a bite to eat at an overpriced sandwich shop, a practice that should be illegal. Raising prices beyond the security gate is one of the more bastardly moves made at the airport, which is saying something. Zach had made it in time for his flight but it was delayed due to weather in Chicago. We waited on the seats together since our gates were within spitting distance. I tried to listen to music and sleep but could not as the designer who ideated airport chairs was a sadist. Despite the blizzard in Chicago my flight left on time, before Zach's in fact. Southwest will fly through anything. I did manage to sleep on the flight and awoke as we descended. I was greeted at the airport by a happy Cass and Charlie.

The trip overall was a blast and those that missed out missed out big time. I enjoyed myself although I can't say that I would recommend Vegas for everyone. I learned that my friends at home are better at poker than everyone else in Vegas and that sometimes it is worth flying across the country just to drink and party with friends.

Las Vegas Part 2: Crappy Sports, Cow Parts and Cowboys

The next day began for me shortly before noon. I awoke and stumbled to the bathroom to shower myself awake. While giving myself a good once over and was in the middle of giving myself another over when I heard Zach stumble into the room. Zach had promised to stay up all night and he certainly lived up to his word. Although I wasn't completely certain, through the mists of the hotel shower it sounded as though Zach was having a disagreement with Marty over Marty's perceived need to sleep. It should be noted that prior to going to bed at around seven in the morning Marty had been up for a good 30 hours. Zach was undeterred and insisted that Marty was only tired to mess with him. Eventually Marty convinced him otherwise and Zach eventually went down to a different room presumably to have the same argument with a more interested party.

I went down to the lobby to join Tom, Newman, and Ross in their quest to find a place to eat and watch the Illini "game." The ESPNZone is located inside New York New York Casino, just across the way from our hotel. We decided to head over there to check if it was playing. It was not. The WWL deems you not worthy, Illini. Also, there was a line. We headed back to our hotel to take in the buffet for breakfast/lunch and catch the end of the game afterward.

Saying that the buffet at the Tropicana is unimpressive would be accurate. Saying it is the worst meal I ate in a weekend that included dinner at In and Out Burger would also be accurate. Saying I would rather eat the betting chips from the Tropicana Casino makes me wonder what betting chips taste like (plastic, probably). It isn't entirely accurate but that aside, the buffet at the Tropicana is terrible. We did recount our nights to each other at the table and it was there that I found out that Phil had haggled with a prostitute on the Las Vegas strip. It went something like this:

Hoochie: Hey baby, you have nice hair. (lying)
Phil: Thank you.
Hoochie: I'll make all your dreams come true for $300.
Phil: $300? I have $50.
Hoochie: I'm worth more than $50, honey (lying).
Phil: /laughs and walks away

Our meal at Satan's buffet line got over soon enough that the Illini "game" was not completed and so we hurried over to the MGM sportsbook to catch most of the second half. I went with despite my only marginal interest in the game itself. Let me just say that the Illini and Wolverines played as if only three members of each team knew that they were supposed to be playing basketball, and those players were on the bench. I entertained myself by alternately watching various other athletic events (hockey, soccer chief among them) and trying to fight off a headache induced by sitting in front of seventy televisions. Also, the jokes about being able to bet on anything in Vegas are true. I think I saw spreads on cricket matches.

After the Illini got done sucking slightly more than the Wolverines, Tom, Newman, Marty (up and about by 3pm, just before the over/under line), and Ross went to meet Tom's brothers for indoor skydiving. While intrigued by the concept, I did not have a desire to spend the money on it nor to wait in line for the opportunity to lay on a fan. I took the opportunity for the afternoon lull to go catch a nap in the hotel room.

I awoke when they returned from their medium-flying adventure. It sounded amusing, particularly the part about Tom's brother Mark being too large to partake. He said he would try the following day anyway. Those of us who were hungry ventured to the other end of the strip to take advantage of a nice price on steak at Bill's Casino. If you have never heard of Bill's Casino, congratulations, you are not a compulsive gambler. It is a dive. But they had steak for $17 so we were there. The steaks were surprisingly decent, including Marty's steak on bread aka the steak sandwich. It was literally steak on bread.

After dinner, some of the boys who had never seen Vegas before wanted to tour the big casino's to take in the views. Honestly, casino floors all look the same, but if you are in Vegas you might as well check out some of the cooler casinos anyway. We took in Caesar's which end to end measures half the state of Nevada. Afterwards we gambled a bit at Bill's, which was a ripoff since I lost quickly and they bring you glasses of beer (about 8 oz.) instead of a bottle. Unsatisfied as one could be without being my girlfriend, we headed back to familiar grounds.

Marty and I had been itching to get to the poker tables for some time. I remembered the last time in Vegas the poker tables were the only place I made money. It is a bit more satisfying not losing all your money to the house regardless of luck so I recommend this game. We went to the Tropicana to find seats available on $1/$2 no limit tables. This was ideal for the cheap gambler ready to pounce on the meager pots. We saddled up to the table just shy of midnight, ready to mow down some yokels and tourists, Marty playing Butch Cassidy and yours truly playing Sundance.

A quick treatment of the poker players in Vegas: there are a lot of stupid people playing poker in Vegas. Everyone watches the World Series of Boredom on TV and reads a book then heads to the tables with their system. They practice their poker face and learn the odds of everything. The problems with this are myriad. First, you are at the $1/$2 no limit table in the Tropicana. You aren't fooling anyone into thinking you are a gamer. Second, it is pointless to bet according to a system when the dollar values don't mean anything. Three times the big blind is only $6, the numerical value is more important. When I bet against your $6 with $15, I'm not betting 7.5 times the big blind, I'm betting $15. Thanks for folding, by the way. Last, everyone there is pretty easy to read when they bet according to systems or check bet into everything and slow play all their hands (p.s. it just means you don't have a hand killer enough to steal the pot).

If you couldn't tell we did pretty well at the table. It took me a while to make sure I realized exactly how easy the table was which cost me a few pots early on. Eventually I found a groove and started betting people out of pots. I was up $80 before playing one or two stupid hands cost me and finished the night down only $11. I deferred at least one $40 pot to Marty (which I would have won). Marty finished out up $82, having taken most of his winnings from two suckers, one of whom kept coming back for more. It was a good night for him since he had spent most of his vacation to that point losing but being wasted, which he can blame for playing one very stupid hand that cost him $125. We were the only ones at the table drinking and I had at least seven beers.

We turned in around 6:30 in the morning. The best story actually comes from the table next to us. Around 3am a guy from the adjacent table (only two going at this hour) left (presumably only for a break) while up $500. He disappeared for two hours. Everyone wondered where he went during this time until he showed up two hours later to retrieve his coat. He claimed he forgot that he had $500 at the table and was up $3700 in blackjack. At first I didn't believe it but eventually it became apparent that he was a player. He sat down with the intention of losing his money and getting back to blackjack, including by offering anyone to go head to head with him for $500 on a coin toss (no takers). Everyone at the table started salivating and lost focus on anything other than this guys stack that he apparently intended to disperse to the crowd. Rufus, the only other decent player at our table, was aching to move tables but couldn't because theirs was full and ours was short. Eventually, this man went all in against two people after the flop for a pot of nigh $1200. Both other gentlemen had top pair and a flush draw but Playboy McPlaysalot had trips, and then flops the fourth on the river. The other two gentlemen were beside themselves after getting over their shock. Let that be a lesson, don't try to play a player and when someone is on a hot streak get out of the way.

After Marty and I returned to our room to find Zach very much in the middle of a coma (in retrospect we should have checked if he was alive) we settled in for bed. Marty set his alarm to go watch Mark skydive and we turned in on another good night in Sin City.

Las Vegas Part 1: The Journey to Gomorrah and Wings v Breasts

I haven't posted in a while and I recently took a vacation that possibly no one else will blog about so I will go into it in detail to make it up to my fanbase.

Since Tom and Jay are such close friends they decided to do a joint bachelor party in Vegas this past weekend. Bachelor parties have always been hit or miss for me. Sometimes they are an enjoyable way to spend a night hanging out with friends, other times guys use them as excuses to act deplorable and stupid. In conclusion, Las Vegas is a land of contrasts.

My flight was scheduled to leave Chicago Friday evening around 8pm. Cass was loving enough to drive me to the airport and wish me luck. It was a nice sendoff. Unfortunately we overplanned and got me to Midway just after 6pm. I got through security in about fifteen minutes so I would have a good wait for my flight. Since Cass was also loving enough to buy me and iPod for my birthday I wouldn't have to spend that time watching local news and Wheel of Fortune, which was fortunate news for me.

The flight took off close enough to on time that I didn't notice the slight delay and we were in Vegas reasonably quickly. I had hoped to sleep on the plane but couldn't quite get myself to doze off so unfortunately I wasn't as rested as I had hoped for a full night my first night in. I got off my plane and was at the gate to meet Jay, Tom, Ross, Uriah, and Phil by 10:30 pm. Zach and I met up there just before the boys got off the plane and we snagged Newman on our way out of the airport while Jay, Uriah, and Phil got their bags. Since I'm on the subject I just brought up, who checks bags nowadays? This is silly. The size of bag they let you carry on now is ridiculous and they let you take two of them. I know you can't bring certain things but just get new shampoo or use the hotel shampoo for your one shower of the weekend.

We got to our hotel in a limo somewhat accidentally. We just bumped into some guy who offered us a ride there for ten bucks each and we agreed before realizing he was a limo driver. All in all, not a bad experience. The doorman at our hotel seemed cordial and eager to help, a concept I will get to in a second. We checked in with only the slight snag of the hotel being confused as to which Tom rented the room and were ready to roll by midnight.

When you get to Vegas, should you ever go, you will notice everyone is ready to help you out. They will give you their card and say anything you need you call me, be it a ride, a pass to a club, whatever. These people are doing this to make money. You are expected to tip everyone and chances are they make a percentage on everything. Do not feel obligated to trust any one person and don't believe someone who tells you they will get something done for free. They aren't doing it to be nice. This is lesson number one for Vegas. Lesson number two is don't trust the guy with two fingers.

By the time we hit the floor, Marty and Tom's brothers were already drunk and in the hole. Several of us were very hungry after long flights. The marquee at the Hooter's Casino advertised 25 cent wings between midnight and 6 am. Since it was past midnight, we made our way there to take advantage of this fantastic offer. We made it there and Tom's brothers sat at the bar while we waited for our table. While waiting we took advantage of the time by playing some tables and drinking. I ended up losing a little bit of money ($20 or so) in the two centuries it took for our table to be ready. I don't know what was going on as there were plenty of empty seats when we were finally seated. Regardless, the wings were large and excellent; nigh 200 were consumed. It was actually Dan Marino's restaurant inside the Hooter's Casino for those interested. Also for those interested, avoid the Hooter's Casino. It's a small casino with little going for it. The girls there are less attractive than those at your local Hooter's since attractive girls in Vegas have plenty of places to work and revealing outfits are the norm for cocktail waitresses anyway.

After getting our much needed replensihment in the form of dead baby chickens, we returned to the Tropicana to finish out the night. Some of our group decided to venture to other casinos however Tom, Marty and I played out the night on the blackjack table. I finished up down about $100 but had a good time catching up and getting wasted on free booze. I turned in around 6:00 followed a half hour later by everyone else. I hated to turn in early but tomorrow was a big day.

Yoda v Splinter

Two great masters. Only one can be considered the dominant sensei.

Yoda

Vital Statistics:

Ht: Waist or so

Age: Damn old

Impairment: Possibly dyslexia

Skin: Green

Home: Swamp

Awesome Association: Frank Oz

Best Merchandise: Flamethrower

Fighting Style: Jedi

Pretty cool fighting style. I don't think anyone our age has never picked up a flashlight and done the lightsaber sounds.

Physical Training: Baby Harness Running

I can't imagine a more humiliating thing for a master to make you do than run him around his yard.

Mental Training: Kill Yourself

Mostly this deals with confronting Luke's fear of Darth Vader, which apparently requires him to fantasize about finding out Vader is him.

Special Power Training: Picking Up Gorram Spaceships with Your Mind

That's pretty awesome.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Incest

Why did he wait so long to let Luke know Leia was his sister? Seems cruel. He doesn't provide much other real world advice, probably because he lived in a swamp for a long time. Also, he put two sexually active and attractive youngsters alone for a significant time and then was disappointed that they chose to become involved with each other (bangin'). Nice Jedi foresight there.

Splinter

Vital Statistics

Odor: Significant

Likes: Cheese

Complexion: Furry

Home: Sewer

Awesome Association: Mako

Best Merchandise: Pizza Flippin' Scuba Gear Birthday Party Splinter Action Figure

Fighting Style: Ninjitsu

If I have to explain to you my feelings on ninjas we've obviously never met.

Physical Training: Cheerleader/Tony Hawk

Doing backflips and skateboarding are not training for physical combat. Either of these guys ever hear of sparring?

Mental Training: Meditation

Sitting around thinking all day is great. That's how wars against street crime are won.

Special Power Training: Ninja Vanish

By the time you have read this sentence Leonardo could have killed you 47 times and you would just now realize it.

Real Life Knowledge Training: Fortune Cookie

Advice like "The true mastery of ninja does not come from the controlling your body, but controlling your mind" barely makes sense even with "in bed" behind it. He doesn't seem to impart a lot of real world knowledge but then again he is a rat who spent a good portion of his life in a sewer. He isn't going to be able to tell you how to deal with being dumped.

Winner: In a fight, Yoda wins without question despite the fact that he has zero victories to my knowledge (I have not seen Revenge of the Sith). Splinter chucked Shredder off a rooftop. However, ninja quickness and knunchuku proficiency only go so far before a blade made of a magic laser slices you in half. But the issue here is who is the better master? Splinter takes the edge in this one because 1) Ninja training seems more fun, 2) He seems a little more able to converse about things other than training, 3) His combat training is slightly more practical, 4) You wouldn't have to deal with that moronic backwards speak, and 5) He isn't dead.

Other random stuff:

-I had an idea for a post but then promptly threw it out. It concerned the sociological and philosophical causes for the behavior of athletes. I realized virtually no one who reads my blog would be interested. Regardless, it was prompted by this set of articles in the Seattle Times about the 2000 Washington Huskies. It is a fascinating read if you care to give more than a courtesy click on the link.

-There is someone nerdier than me.

-I think I need to start watching my sodium (for Colyn: SODYUM) intake. I have been really dry lately even though I drink a ton of water over the course of a day. I think it may be that there is way too much salt in my diet. A lot of this is from pasta, which I eat a nonmetric ton of weekly. If anyone has suggestions for foods for this purpose I would love to hear them.

Let's make tonight a classic.

I would have blogged earlier but I wanted to have a picture of Gina Carano at the top of my blog for as long as possible. In a related story I am also interested in seeing how upset I can make Cass.

Hillary had her baby. Congrats to her and Eric on a healthy baby girl.

I've been working out and running hard the past two weeks. The gym is crowded lately so I can't wait until February when exams pick up and resolutions are forgotten. I don't want to work out in an empty building but I hate running through crowds on the track. I guess I just want it to be warm so I can choose to run outside should I desire. Nature seems healthy.

My parents are coming into town tonight and heading to D.C. tomorrow. They are leaving Agamuffin with Cass for a couple weeks. She will have two little miscreant mutts to worry about for a while. Pity her not for she doth find joy amongst the creatures of the world.

Hope to catch up with some folks this weekend.

Top Ten movies from this past year that I missed and have a desire to see:

1 The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2 Juno
3 Walk Hard
4 The Mist
5 Atonement
6 There Will Be Blood
7 Dan in Real Life
8 28 Weeks Later
9 Gone Baby Gone
10 American Gangster

Ranking the Gladiators (continued).

Now it's the ladies' turn.

WOMEN

CRUSH
Comparison: Elektra

Attractiveness: 1
The universal hottie for hotness, she is far and away the most attractive Gladiator. Sonia ranks her as most desirable and stated her willingness to make love to her. Men, feel free to 'bate to that and get back to this in a few.

Effectiveness: 1
She was decent enough the first night but the second night she clubbed the hell out of two girls in the joust. We are waiting for her to drop the stick and just start throwing punches.

Gimmick/Name: 1
Her name is passably decent, but her outfit makes her that much better. She is dressed conservatively (for a Gladiator), and that with her bedroom eyes make her that much more alluring. Did I mention that I want to sleep with her?

Average: 1

FURY
Comparison: Storm

Attractiveness: 6
Guh. Your new Gladiator name is "The Grenade."

Effectiveness: 5
She did alright in Earthquake, but her showboating in Hang Tough got her dumped in the water. We don't tolerate that kind of hotdogging or grand standing in American Gladiators. This is serious business.

Gimmick/Name: 6
Her outfit and hair are the worst of any of the girls. Her name isn't overly offensive but when she poses it looks like the mating ritual of an orangutan.

Average: 5.67

HELLGA
Comparison: Gold

Attractiveness: 4
That's probably too high of a ranking. If you want to have sex with it be my guest.

Effectiveness: 6
She's been all hype and when she moves she waddles like a fat gym teacher.

Gimmick/Name: 3
I have to admit that it took serious balls to include a pun in her name. Also, she's Hellga because she looks Scandinavian but she's apparently from Texas, and that makes me laugh.

Average: 4.33

SIREN
Comparison: Siren

Attractiveness: 2
She's attractive in a she would be cute if she weren't so buff kind of way, so congratulations to her on being a somewhat attractive and somewhat frightening woman.

Effectiveness: 3
She's been decent in everything. No complaints. Also, no jokes.

Gimmick/Name: 4
Two qualifications to be named Siren: 1)Be deaf or 2)Scream constantly. The fact that she didn't do this was a severe disappointment to me as a fan of annoying things.

Average: 3

STEALTH
Comparison: Blaze

Attractiveness: 5
I never wanted to have sex with Morris Chestnut in a wig but if you did then this is the girl for you, Captain Gayest-Man-Alive.

Effectiveness: 4
I don't remember her doing anything specific. Perhaps her name is the most appropriate of them all?

Gimmick/Name: 5
Stealth? Is your goal to go unnoticed? Sorry, you don't get points for being cunning, you get points for punching spunky soccer moms in the face.

Average: 4.67

VENOM
Comparison: Lace

Attractiveness: 3
She looks like a bleach blonde pornstar, which is to say she looks like every pornstar. Susan said she is too tan, which is funny to me.

Effectiveness: 2
She did a good job in Hang Tough the second night, despite the fact that I realized she is way too short to be in that event.

Gimmick/Name: 2
Her outfit is ridiculous but I think the name Venom is unique enough for a Gladiator. She does weird flips when she enters the arena, making me think she may have a background in cheerleading. "Ready? OK! We are Gladiators and we're here to say, we're going to snap your vetebrae! Yeah!!!"

Average: 2.33

Final Standings
1 Crush (1)
2 Venom (2.33)
3 Siren (3)
4 Hellga (4.33)
5 Stealth (4.67)
6 Fury (5.67)

All images obtained from NBC.com